I Feel Very Alone Right Now

A lot of times I cannot sleep at night, so I get up.

Once awake, my mind goes to places I don’t want it to. Places I thought I had dealt with long ago.

I know this is relatable, because if I am doing these things, others are too!

Something in particular that is bothering me right now in a general sense, is that I came into this world alone, and I will go out of it alone as well.

What’s the use of this life? The purpose? The meaning behind everything?

I know. Some people are able to create meaning. And, that’s great!

But, no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I am here to be a beam of light to others, I sometimes will doubt it.

I doubt it, especially when I am awake in the middle of the night. This night. When I have things on my mind that are really bothering me.

What are they?

Well, for starters, I used to think I was really something.

I mean, what do you know in your 20’s?

I was a returning college student, who was careless in my approach to academics, to relationships, to everything I put my attention on.

And, that sucks!

It is the past, so I will just try and move on. Again.

I don’t think I hurt anyone all that bad, but what do I know?

Clearly, I was unstable. And, unstable people can create lots of problems for others.

Yes, one should consider the source. But, I am unsure as to whether a 21-year old college student has that ability.

Anyway, I am rambling.

At the end of the day, the thing I am troubled most by is my college graduation, where I was surrounded by three women who I had rejected romantically (one of whom I was there with).

That shouldn’t be a big deal, but the whole thing just seemed contrived! In other words, all of us were in one particular area after graduation, that felt more than coincidental.

No, I wasn’t a total jerk back then, but I didn’t really care who I might have hurt either.

If the truth be told, I didn’t feel much of anything during my years at university. I just wasn’t doing well.

I had had two psychotic breaks previously, and was determined to put them behind me.

But, I learned that that wasn’t going to happen. So, matters got worse and eventually I had more breaks, finally being diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder in my senior year.

And, there you have it! The truth about me and my relationships in my 20’s.