I Want To Live, But Due To My Illness, I Cannot
This is likely something that many of us are dealing with.
At least I am dealing with it, and I would like to hear from others, as to how they might relate.
I feel like I’ve lost so many years due to my mental illness, and I am still losing years.
For those in recovery, and having lost their jobs (in a lot of cases, having lost everything), I’d sincerely like to hear how regaining employment, will help you to “live.”
I mean, if you’ve had a definite remission of your symptoms, then I understand. A renewed sense of dignity? I get it.
For me, my symptoms have never been in remission. And, I can’t even volunteer because of them.
So, blogging about my life (its wins and its losses), will have to be my source of dignity.
Because I won’t get it from not showering or from not brushing my teeth enough. Or from losing a number of “friends” because I now have boundaries. And so on.
(I am reminded that at least I had “friends.”)
“Living” is what I find missing from my life. But, I also think of life differently today, then I did, say 20 years ago (which may account for the emphasis I put on “living”).
20 years ago, before my diagnosis, I had connection.
It may have been superficial and flighty, but I had it.
Today, I have some connection, but I can’t take care of myself worth a damn. So, it makes doing all the other stuff I did before, seem like I am missing out now, since I can’t do those things anymore.
Again, I’d like to hear from all of you about how you’re “living” your lives. What you’re doing, what it takes, etc.
That and I hope this post finds each of you well!
Mentally Ill In America
He/Him. I write #poetry and #blog about #mentalhealth. I have #schizophrenia. We are only here for a sliver of time #lifelonglearner #helper. Opinions are mine.
Living was something I used to be excited about and look forward to. Now, I’m alive because I haven’t died yet, and I just live the moments as they go by.
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Man, I so resonate with your response! It just feels like death is something I’ll have to “wait for.” But, I don’t want to kill myself, even though I get suicidal thoughts. It’s just sad.
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Yeah it would be nice if living mattered.
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I think it matters to our loved ones, but I also know that there’s a lot of seamless suffering going on.
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For sure.
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I totally empathise with what you are saying. Maybe living is a difficult concept for many of us. Sometimes coping with being ill is an easier concept to deal with? Recovery can be an extremely slow thing. Living is a challenge for so many battling mental illness. Even small steps like getting out of bed are to be celebrated.
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Thank you for commenting. For me, I just do what I can to get by. My goal is to raise awareness of what people with chronic mental illness often go through.
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I think it’s a great goal. I really enjoy reading your blog.
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Thank you!
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Great post! I thin this is something a lot of us struggle with. I definitely see a lot of change in my life since being diagnosed. I used to be a lot more outgoing and adventurous and I still try to be but it takes a lot more effort.
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Thank you for commenting and I understand. Mental illness can be tough in general. I hope things get better for you!
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Thank you! It’s getting better now that I’m learning to get out of my comfort zone.
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Did I read that you have anxiety? Or, what is your diagnosis if I may ask?
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Yup you’re right it’s anxiety
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Hang in there. Full-blown panic attacks are the worst!
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They are but I’m getting better! Thank you!
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Glad to hear! 🙂
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