Why You’ll Think Of Me As Being Symptomatic Right Now (Part Of A Series Of Essays)

NOTE: This essay was written awhile ago. I am more stable at this time.

I have chronic schizoaffective disorder (depressive type), and I believe in this very moment, that the government is out to get me.

I truly do!

Some things that have popped up in recent days are: strange requests for my book (keep the requests coming, no worries), a memory of that time when one of our POTUS’ associates pm’ed me on a social media platform (it happened on Reddit with every indication that this person is who their 10-year old username says they are), and various other reasons why I ask my wife about this or that or the other thing.

Yes, I am having delusions right now, and I am also hearing voices.

A lot of the problem lies in how people with my diagnosis see themselves amid people and situations that attempt to “talk us down.”

The default, “No one is watching you. You’re not that important.” works much of the time, but now, I need a little help!

I realize that I am high-functioning, and that this post may turn a lot of people off.

It may even scare a few.

But, I want to be completely transparent with you, my readers.

So, here goes:

I am afraid.

And, I am becoming more and more fearful due to the stress involved with the cornoa virus.

But, no one can make life easier for me right now.

No one can stop what I am feeling.

It’s sad to think that, while definitely not the last days of humanity, we are certainly in turbulent times!

This post was written a week and a half ago (on April 1, 2020 for perspective), when the U.S. had 140,640 corona virus cases.

So, there you have it!

The right amount of events have triggered more of my psychosis, and what sucks is, I am not certain that I am completely wrong about some of the things I write about!

This, of course, is typical for me when having these types of troubles.

I hate it though, because I know it is furthering damage to my brain.

‘F’ you corona virus and ‘F’ you to all that doesn’t make sense in my world, due to my being ill.

This completely and totally sucks.

P.S. There is a decent chance that I accidentally missed 0-2 doses of my mood stabilizer medication in the past 48 hours, but I cannot remember whether I took them. Each potentially missed dose accounts for 2/3 of my daily requirement, so it’s a big mishap even missing 1 dose.


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