A Realist And His Illness

NOTE: I am fast becoming a realist. And, at times, I don’t feel like I properly describe my struggles. In fact, I am not sure that I can, or that I even should (sometimes)… but, here they are (in sum)!

A portion of this information originally appeared in “The Fight For Insight” Booklet (located in the BOOKLETS section) some time back.

I will show side by side comparisons of my symptoms, both then and now.

The updates are the paragraphs below the symptom (and the original complaint regarding it). Here goes…

Delusions — False beliefs or “ideas” that are simply not true. My mind will often trick me into believing that my experiences are “real,” so my job is to investigate them (as I am able), or look for “proof” as to whether what I am feeling is “real” or not.

There are tips and techniques for managing this type of psychosis symptom (aside from what I do as I am “able”). Not to mention, I have tried many of these ideas over the years, and they just do not consistently work for me.

Anxiety — I am often afflicted with anxiety, but I don’t tend to view myself as being anxious. The reason being, I don’t want to overlook the other, more serious symptoms I have. Anxiety in itself is bad, but I err on the side of caution (when reporting anxiety symptoms), due to my other symptoms outranking those of generalized anxiety.

I do not know whether anxiety is typical in severe mental illness, but it is something I have had my entire life. As far back as I can recall, I have been plagued with being anxious.

Depression — I experience depression every day (along with all of the other symptoms I have). I feel as though, I have a good level of control over depression, more than I do some of my other symptoms. But, I am still affected daily. And, at times, the depression is more disconcerting than everything else I go through.

I generally feel bad every day, and there is oftentimes this fight to understand and categorize my symptoms (with a goal of addressing the problem areas). No matter what I do though, depression is either “lurking” or it has just finished doing its business.

Hallucinations — In terms of hallucinations, I typically experience auditory vs. visual hallucinations. My auditory hallucinations are ever present, and it is sometimes difficult to distinguish between them and my delusions. One might think that making out one’s “voices” is somehow easy, but I am often not aware of their hold on me, until I’ve engaged with my “voices” for a bit of time.

I am most troubled by my hallucinations or “voices.” It is very difficult to deal with them! I do the best I can though, and I am grateful for the medication, which keeps me going. And, that’s all I can do is keep going.

Lack of motivation — The clinical term for this in schizophrenia is having a “negative symptom,” of which, I have the particular “negative symptom” of lacking motivation (and, have had it since before my final diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder). This symptom affects my energy levels, and generally means, that it is difficult for me to do chores, make a meal from scratch, or get myself off of the couch.

I am now going to combine this symptom with my lack of energy. They both are pretty much the same thing in my case. And, they both have quite the stronghold on me!

Also, I’d like to add another category that I didn’t think much about when I wrote “The Fight For Insight.”

Confusion – I don’t have to engage in moving mountains to realize that I become easily confused. In any event, I persevere and always try my best. That said, there is no stopping any of this. It’s a bad deal, and all the way around too! That and it is what it is!

If you would like to read “The Fight For Insight,” it is available for free in the BOOKLETS section of this site!

I wish I had better news to report regarding my symptoms (then and now), but I don’t. What are your most troubling symptoms?

12 thoughts on “A Realist And His Illness

    1. I suppose so, for some people, yes. For me, as a former full fledged optimist (I think i can say that), I just always felt there was a better way of doing things or a more sensible approach type of thing. Now, I am coming to the conclusion that things are the way they are, because the world (and many of its people) just suck. Some might say I am taking a step back, but I’m not so sure.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I’ve been struggling with lack of energy. I need to distribute my energy and prioritize things I want to get done. It’s or this or that. Not this and that.
    I have a lot more anxiety since starting new medication. I’m afraid to go out alone and I have fear of failure with everything I do. Don’t get me started at the combination of those two in social interactions. I’m easily exhausted and worried that I’m ‘being weird’. 🙄

    My most difficult symptom would still be: unable to relax and unable to worry less.

    I think it’s very good that you have categories made in terms of your symptoms so you can evaluate them.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you, that is such a beautiful compliment! We need to support each other and be there for one another.
        I found real support and encouragement here on WP and I’m glad your in the circle too!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s really good to see how you’ve categorised all your symptoms Mio. I’m thinking perhaps you have to cope with and manage each of them in a different way. Seeing it all written down like this lets us see how difficult each day must be,so thank you for showing your vulnerability, your honesty, and openness. It makes me ‘love’ you even more, seeing all the different sides of you.

    For me, I feel like I’m anxious all the time lately. I’m so tired but can’t sleep due to nerve pains, and that’s when I hear voices. I “know” they’re not real but it still hurts (what they say). I feel anxious when I’m around people cos my mind is jumbled and I’d be terrified to speak something out loud in case it doesn’t make sense. I feel like I’m drunk cos I get confused, I’m so slow at reading as the words appear to be all over the place, dancing before my eyes. And my typing is also slow cos my hands and fingers are so shaky, I need to keep editing my grammar or spelling mistakes. It’s taken me more than ten minutes to write and edit this comment. I used to be able to type 80 words per minute (blindfolded, lol) and now I’m typing with one finger and I have to keep looking at the keys. Aaarrghhh! Right at this minute, I feel like giving up my blog and just doing nothing.

    I know it’s all reactive, like having gone through a few setbacks lately – one is where someone I trusted has let me down, financially – I paid for work to be done 😦 And to top it off, I now the flu. I think I’m just feeling sorry for my self and I apologise for my little pity party. Like Mio, all I can do is keep going.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Just hang in there is my best advice. I know the struggle you’re dealing with. I have suicidal thoughts and have had them for a few weeks now. Again, you’re not alone. And, if you need to talk, just email me. Also, you know what they say about pity parties. If you have one, do it for five minutes, then get on with it! Take care and be well, friend!

      Liked by 1 person

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