An Awareness Of My Symptoms

I will start off by saying, that my memory isn’t so good. Especially regarding current events.

I am at a place where I just feel numb with my symptoms overall.

I am in my mid-40’s, and I can’t imagine the culprit being anything other than psych meds or this illness.

Also, I hope this post doesn’t come off as me just complaining!

I have an awareness of my situation, and the situations of other persons with severe mental illness, but I still have no way of helping others, except through blogging!

And, I am fine with that, considering the intensity of my struggle. I am fine with that, and this isn’t a decision that I make lightly!

While I’d like to do more, I am not able to. And honestly, I don’t feel that there will ever be a time when I will be “able.”

If being disabled for 20 years has taught me anything, it’s that life sucks. Especially when you are severely ill. In my case, severely mentally ill.

Being able is like saying, to me, that I can “wish” the struggle away. A struggle that has me napping throughout the day, even with a full night’s rest. A struggle with energy so low, that I have “limited” ability to prepare food for myself. A struggle whose form is “still” what it is (and, what it has been)… quite disabling (and, this is without my even mentioning core symptoms).

Well, what about smelling your own bullshit?

Great question! I think I do that on a regular basis, and am aware of how we deceive ourselves sometimes. However, I am operating from a place of integrity and have done so for many years. A place that most people don’t seem to understand. I’ll say that!

Also, everyone is different, to this we might agree. But, for those who are disabled and unemployed, how long do you think it will be before you get better, and are good enough to work again?

For me, I know how tired I am throughout the day, which makes a possible recovery more difficult, even if everything else lined up (which it doesn’t).

Maybe what we all need is some better meds? There’s a thought. Something to chew on for a bit perhaps? Though, I feel it is more than that that we need to get ourselves well!

A lot of my writings are redundant (in case you hadn’t noticed), and you may wonder why I am here, occupying this space.

It’s simple. I am a truth seeker! And, mental illness has me fighting, but I am not (nor will I ever be), completely out of the trenches!

I feel alone some days and some days I feel a part of the group, but all days I am still unwell!

I’m sorry if you thought that all severe mental illness went into remission with meds. Some of it gets better, but much of it in fact does not!

8 Comments

  1. I used to get fully well between episodes, and over the last couple of years the idea of getting back to full remission has faded away because there’s just no reason to think it will happen without some amazing new treatment becoming available.

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  2. My dear friend Mio, how I love that you’re writing more these days and sharing your thoughts. They’re so open and raw, honest and enlightening, and insightful and informative. I’m glad you’re here, your writing speaks volumes and people must hear it!

    You’re right, people need to understand that we’re all different, our various symptoms are different, our meds are different, our coping strategies are different — and sometimes we don’t have the energy to practice them. But still, we cling on, and often by our fingertips. I don’t know why I stay here sometimes, but I do.

    Like you, sometimes I feel so alone, and all we can do is what we can.

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    1. I appreciate your kind words, Kaz. I know that a lot of people with my illness are unable to put words to their suffering. And, I haven’t always been able to do this myself. It took some things, like time, a relationship with a narcissistic sibling, and having a healthy primary relationship, to enable me to see things for what they are. Thanks again for your comment! Keep on keeping on, my friend! 🙂

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  3. It’s all so very individual. We can only make the progress we can. Sometimes I wonder if I’m too soft on myself, if I shouldn’t do more. When I try my illness is there rapidly to remind me what my boundaries are.
    That is the reality of things; we do the best we can with what we have. That should be enough.
    When things clear up or get better, we can only be grateful for it. When it is otherwise, we’ll keep fighting. We will get somewhere!

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