I will start off by saying, that my memory isn’t so good. Especially regarding current events.
I am at a place where I just feel numb with my symptoms overall.
I am in my mid-40’s, and I can’t imagine the culprit being anything other than psych meds or this illness.
Also, I hope this post doesn’t come off as me just complaining!
I have an awareness of my situation, and the situations of other persons with severe mental illness, but I still have no way of helping others, except through blogging!
And, I am fine with that, considering the intensity of my struggle. I am fine with that, and this isn’t a decision that I make lightly!
While I’d like to do more, I am not able to. And honestly, I don’t feel that there will ever be a time when I will be “able.”
If being disabled for 20 years has taught me anything, it’s that life sucks. Especially when you are severely ill. In my case, severely mentally ill.
Being able is like saying, to me, that I can “wish” the struggle away. A struggle that has me napping throughout the day, even with a full night’s rest. A struggle with energy so low, that I have “limited” ability to prepare food for myself. A struggle whose form is “still” what it is (and, what it has been)… quite disabling (and, this is without my even mentioning core symptoms).
Well, what about smelling your own bullshit?
Great question! I think I do that on a regular basis, and am aware of how we deceive ourselves sometimes. However, I am operating from a place of integrity and have done so for many years. A place that most people don’t seem to understand. I’ll say that!
Also, everyone is different, to this we might agree. But, for those who are disabled and unemployed, how long do you think it will be before you get better, and are good enough to work again?
For me, I know how tired I am throughout the day, which makes a possible recovery more difficult, even if everything else lined up (which it doesn’t).
Maybe what we all need is some better meds? There’s a thought. Something to chew on for a bit perhaps? Though, I feel it is more than that that we need to get ourselves well!
A lot of my writings are redundant (in case you hadn’t noticed), and you may wonder why I am here, occupying this space.
It’s simple. I am a truth seeker! And, mental illness has me fighting, but I am not (nor will I ever be), completely out of the trenches!
I feel alone some days and some days I feel a part of the group, but all days I am still unwell!
I’m sorry if you thought that all severe mental illness went into remission with meds. Some of it gets better, but much of it in fact does not!