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How The Search For Truth Once Hurt Me, But No Longer Causes Me Emotional Pain

I seemed like the “normal” returning college student.

I was a bit on the nerdy side, I wanted to get my education, and I wanted to have fun!

Since I had Psychosis NOS, I tended to make some bad decisions regarding alcohol (primarily), which was really me self-medicating!

I drank one to three times a week, and did not have any psychiatric medication, nor a residing understanding that I wasn’t well!

Anyway, prior to my slipping back into psychosis, I said a lot of intelligent things in a variety of venues (after all, I studied Psychology and Philosophy).

I realize today, that my banter, which captured the attention of a lot of my family and some friends, was mainly psychobabble.

I learned this, through hearing stories of professors, lecturers, academic people in general, who held high achievements in academia.

So, this is all in retrospect, but my “going deeper” with my search for truth, has hurt me and has caused me a lot of emotional pain.

The hurt and pain has to do with my having endured a lot of Christian teachings, but also having been introduced to logic and reasoning as well!

Thus, in my case, a compromise was needed.

What I know…

Sometimes, I believe in a higher power and sometimes I don’t.

There is no proof of any god.

What I decided…

Since I am inclined to believe in my god, Jesus Christ, I do so, knowing that it may ultimately be untrue.

After all, I waver. Plus, there is no proof of any god, from Zeus to Jesus (and every god in-between).

I will avoid evangelicalism in my pursuit of “doing the right thing for me.”

So, again, my position is a compromise. And, I am satisfied operating from the belief that I will a) follow my religion’s teachings. But b) that I can never know whether any of them are actually true!

What are your conjectures regarding a god or the gods? How certain are you, that you are correct in your assertions?

2 thoughts on “How The Search For Truth Once Hurt Me, But No Longer Causes Me Emotional Pain Leave a comment

    • Yep, me too. But… It helps me to know the conversations that I have with myself while having schizophrenia, aren’t just me and a fractured mind throwing around aimless banter. I have to believe there’s sanity in the mix and in that mess. Just imagine hearing voices and being medicated, and looking for the only thing that makes sense in all that speak. You have to find hope somewhere. And, that is how I imagine some people find their hope. In a deity to which there is no proof, as strange as that sounds.

      Liked by 1 person

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