Why Schizophrenia? Why Me? Why Not?

I cannot figure out why I am plagued with schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder. I just can’t… except for that fever that I got when I was around the age of two. Or, maybe a few other possibilities!

It’s that same fever that my parents argued over taking me to the hospital for vs. going to church.

What a damn terrible deal… for me!

My parents’ struggle must have been something awful… /s

Difficult to comprehend or imagine! /s

Yes, I need to get over all of the origin stories eventually, if I am to keep moving forward and progressing with my goals!

Because right now, I am stuck in “analysis paralysis,” and I don’t know how to be consistent!

And, that thing about energy… There is no magical way to get more of it!

All I want to do is eat and listen to music right now!

And, if it wasn’t the fever that caused me to have schizophrenia, was it the poverty? Or perhaps the distant family history of more than one family member having needing to, or who was actually sent to an asylum?

Things were different in the 19th century. Hell, things are still different 150-200 years later!

Are you holding onto any incidents that happened that may have (at a minimum), exacerbated your illness? What have you done to make peace with the situation(s)?


  1. Hope you are able to move forward, amigo. In my case, I changed a lot of my problematic lifestyle habits and that helped tremendously to change things. Quit smokin’ and drinkin.’ I also amended my thought patterns over twenty years or so, which is still a work in progress, and why you find me here, writing.

    And religiously now take my medicine. I wish you healing and peace for the journey. Take care!

    Liked by 2 people


      1. I know, it’s the most awful. Truly. And it’s hard to communicate to the non sufferer. Thank you for this blog, as it does allow us to find our voices. I hope you don’t feel as if I’m belittling this journey, because it is undeniably tortuous. I found Jesus, but I had to fight for it. I wasn’t healed for most of my path (years 1-46) but now I’m not looking back any more. Happened to find the right meds, and this journey sucks. CBT on an ongoing personal basis is exhausting, but it’s all I’ve got. Reading books help to get the mind out of the maelstrom, but that’s nearly impossible when you can’t think cause of the meds. Dang, I just wish you the best. I’ll keep praying for you and all of us. Peace.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Early stress has marred my life for sure. I don’t really know how I’m moving forward… for me I need some time to rail “why me?” before I could focus on my present better life and think of moving forward.

    But as your illness affects you every day (like my trauma symptoms) it’s hard to keep moving forward when dogged in the present!

    Liked by 2 people


  3. The research gives us ideas of where our mental illness came from i.e. genetically, biologically, socio-economically, trauma-related, and so on. I’ve got to the point, I don’t care where I got the damn thing from, I just want to be free of it lol.

    Liked by 1 person


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