I used to believe I was doing my best by holding my thoughts captive.
And, now I believe this philosophical approach is not so good for me.
But, how do you change the very thing that made you who you are?
In terms of my personality, I’ve always been “deep.”
From adolescence to present day, I’ve always been a “thinker.”
But, now I’m tired of “thinking…”
I’m just tired of mental illness to be straight!
I’m bothered by some of my behaviors, which I’ve began viewing as symptoms of the illness (rather than my being witty, intelligent, or clever).
During the half dozen or so times I was inpatient, I can recall a range of these behaviors:
From not talking to talking, from being polite to being belligerent.
Simple, yet revealing (at least to me)!
This was and is my illness. And, it’s still the pattern I’m involved in today (although I’m not belligerent anymore).
I’d love to end this post by asking some witty, intelligent, or clever questions… but, my tolerance level for my own bullshit has pegged the V/U meter.
That, or as I’ve already said, I’m just tired!
Mentally Ill In America 
I’m a thinker as well, and I think a key for me is not trying to understand the why when it comes to the effects of my illness. I try to focus on understanding what is and accept it so I can then shift focus to what I do have control over.
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That’s a good point you make, and I am thinking that there is no real way of knowing if it’s your illness or not. Is that what you think as well?
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For me it’s usually been pretty clear. But then I’ve also had quite a few years of adult life when I was completely well, and the illness-related stuff is a pretty clear contrast to that.
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That’s a good measuring stick. While I was well just as long as I’ve been ill, give or take, I still have difficulties figuring things out.
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Yes, I believe it’s tiring thinking about mental (or even physical) illness all the time. I know I’m not my illness, I’m so much more. But it doesn’t stop me thinking about it 😦
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It’s a big part of our lives. No, I am not my illness, but my illness is invasive and takes up chunks of my time.
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