What I’ve Realized About Suicidal Ideation And My Medication

Sometimes—a lot of times—I am down.

I have suicidal thoughts—with no plan—never really a plan—Just intrusive ideations!

I know, because I went some time without medication (while in the trenches), that even though I am treatment resistant, the meds keep me alive!

I repeat… the meds keep me alive!

Life is not necessarily great (there are moments though), but I do what I can, when I can, to make the most out of my life!

Oftentimes, making the most out of my life involves quite a bit of self-care.

And, even then, things are tough—very difficult to share/describe even.

I wish that I didn’t require all that I do to stay alive, and that my bad thoughts would just go away—Forever!

But, that’s not happening—So, I’ll take my life for what it is—and, do my best to make myself proud.

How do you relate to what I’ve written here? Do you care to share?

6 Comments

  1. I have had the ideation i believe as a negative coping mechanism since my teens. This set of meds I’m on has really curbed them and i think my acceptance of then as just thoughts that can go away as easily as they come. I do tend to think them when in hyper stressed moments. It’s my go to go for coping but they aren’t as needy. It sucks in general to have them at all when all you want to live is a good life but it’s how i am programmed somehow.

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  2. I’ve had ideations for many years, starting from my adolescence, perhaps younger. I’ve always put obstacles in my way since I was 16, so I wouldn’t take my life. People around me offline did not understand or care about the suffering I was in, but thankfully I had online friends who did care, even if all we did was talk about mundane things. Ideation has been a form of escapism to keep myself going – a last resort I kept in my mind during times of prolonged severe stress.

    My medication helps but you know I was under medicated for my needs for years. I think for me, my ideation isn’t due to a chemical imbalance, or due to medication. It slowly got less frequent and less intense as I progressed on the underlying traumas in therapy. My brain still goes there when I face despair but I’m genuinely struggling less despite other stressors.

    I wish disabled/impaired people got more benefits than the miserable amounts friends here and elsewhere report. When I saw how many thousands C would have to pay per hospital visit for immunoglobulin therapy, I thought to myself that if I were her, I’d probably die from suicide.

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    1. Ideations suck. No two ways about it. Mental health problems are horrific for many of us. The fact that, in the US, some people think we need to just lift ourselves up by the bootstraps, and all will be well, is ridiculous and offensive. Some even say things like, “part of the problem is us talking about the problem.” What a crock of shit!

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