My Oldest Regret: That I Was Not As Good As Them Then

What do I mean?

I wish I wasn’t plagued with severe mental illness, and wish I had a lot more control over my day to day.

After my first series of psychotic breaks, I neglected to take medication for two plus years.

It was during that time that I was at university, and knew that I was different. Profoundly different… in retrospect.

I was walking around in the world and was actually quite ill. And, I was without meds.

My experience went unnoticed. If for no one else for sure, but me.

University is an interesting time for many, but I wasn’t able to make healthy connections for the life of me!

And, my performance at university was bad!

I graduated with the bare minimum GPA of 2.4.

My attempts at being social usually equated to self-medicated alcohol binges. And, a lot of embarrassment!

Today, I know my oldest regret was that I wasn’t as good as them back then.

I didn’t have to be like them. I did need to make my college experience more within the range of what “I” needed though.

I needed to make my college experience more about my future… a future that is now seriously fucked!

Yes. A lot of what I describe in this post may seem “normal” for that period of time in someone’s life… but I was and continue to be severely mentally ill.

Regrets? Yeah, I’ve had a few.

How about you and some of your regrets? Would you care to share a few?


  1. It’s not quite a regret (because I don’t think I had control over it), but I’ve also lamented about how difficult college was because of my mental illness. I didn’t get as much out of it as I’d like, and it’s very frustrating to admit sometimes.

    Liked by 2 people


  2. oh man I have so many regrets. Unmedicated I am a complete uncensored narcissist but sometime I wonder if being “enlighted” and medicated is better. Now every slight hurts were before IDGAF. But this am is a tough one so by tonight I might feel different. Oh And I get feeling different I always new my brain wasn’t normal but it was so hard to understand and explain.

    Liked by 2 people


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