I am not talking about the occasional comment where I am upset (and the blogger removes my comment), I am referring to the comments that just aren’t showing up. At all.
If it’s a situation whereby you don’t want my comments on your blog, please stop commenting on mine.
If it’s that my comments are showing up as spam, then please check your spam folder.
I am not a spammer.
Have a wonderful day!
Many of my friends have mental illness, but not all mental illness is created equal!
And, how/why do I have so many friends?
Before I became full-blown ill, I maintained some connections with people, that stood by me.
And over time, is how I learned that some of these friends have some form of mental illness, and can go for periods of time when the extent of their suffering is hidden.
And, some friends’ suffering never gets mentioned. Ever.
So, behind all of this is the “spectrum” of mental illness, some of which debilitates.
At the risk of saying Dale isn’t all that bad, I will defer you to what Dale deals with.
Dale thinks he has bipolar disorder, and I am his only friend.
(I know, never self-diagnose.)
Of course, Dale doesn’t take meds, but he does work at a job, and is responsible with his money. He also tends to quit his jobs every time the throes of his “bipolar disorder” are in full-effect.
Mark deals with whatever troubles he has, and has been able to maintain employment throughout. Mark has never been diagnosed with anything to my knowledge either.
He does have a close relative with schizophrenia though, and he and I’s friendship is often strained because of one thing or another. And since I am not a doctor, I can’t tell you why that is.
Not all of my friends have mental illness, and some of them are only seasonally depressed.
The idea of my companions in life being depressed gets discussed privately (among a few of us), but again, there are those who don’t ever discuss having troubles.
As I am an open person (at times, too open), I do talk about what I experience mental health-wise.
But, the reason for this post is mainly my friend, Dale.
As I mentioned, I am his only friend and he is not being treated for his “bipolar disorder.”
And, it took me the better part of 25 years to see that he and I are a lot alike!
What I, being fairly educated in mental health, failed to properly see, are some of our similarities, revealed in different ways.
So, Dale confided in me and said, “I have manic depression.”
But, was it the first time he said this?
I can be pretty self-involved, and quite frankly, hard on some of my friends.
And, that is a tough pill for me to swallow, as I admit that here with you.
So, Dale and I were just chatting and having fun, when he shared this information with me.
Does it matter, though, when I treat Dale like I want to be treated?
I don’t think so ultimately.
And, does having mental illness mean that we are all the same fundamentally?
Not really. As I’ve said here today, mental health is a “spectrum,” and this spectrum varies widely.
Dale maintains a job with only one friend and has virtually no socialization.
Thus, what I want to do more than anything is honor Dale’s character. Because, to me, that counts more than how someone’s brain is working (or not working).
The two of us are good friends because we have things in common (aside from having mental health troubles), and I treasure those things and Dale.
Do you have in-person friends who struggle with their mental health? What are your thoughts about mental health and these friends?
It’s quite likely that the medications I am taking for my psychosis are providing me with some protection, but not a great amount.
Right now, I am anxious and I want to die, but I know that you only get one life.
Thus, taking it away, even though I am struggling immensely, seems like a bad idea.
What needs to happen is that I need to get on a good medication regimen.
One of my problems is that I already weigh 400 lbs., so any additional medication changes need to be carefully thought out.
I have been on my current antipsychotic medication for around 15 years, give or take.
So, I guess it’s just time to find something new.
None of this is easy. My brain worsening is what is happening, and I don’t take that very lightly.
I am just frantic.
I do not know where I’d be right now, if my depression wasn’t being medicated successfully. Also, my schizophrenia is NOT being medicated successfully.
Sometime in the past six months, give or take, I became quite worse on the main antipsychotic I am on.
I am not well.
You’ve heard this from me before, and the difference is, things are more dire than they were previously.
Right now, I am hallucinating pieces of conversations, and having severe delusions, oftentimes while in the process of talking to people.
This is schizoaffective disorder—the treatment resistant type.
For me, I am more aware in some ways than others who battle this illness, mainly because I am trying to “fix” the problem.
So, this affords me the opportunity to explain my issues in greater detail, right?
I suppose so, but what REALLY matters is that I get my medications straightened out.
I just want to get back to my version of “good” again!
Just gotta hold on!
In my experience, you take the medications anyway.
I am still very symptomatic, and life is quite a challenge for me.
I won’t get into a lot of detail regarding my symptoms, but I can tell you that many of my symptoms are classic schizophrenia symptoms.
There isn’t much left to the imagination where my mental health is concerned.
I only wish, that after trying a half dozen medications, I had greater relief.
And, while it’s true that I haven’t gone to a second line of defense medication (i.e. clozapine), I have been doing all I can at present, to make things manageable as they are.
What are some of your experiences with trying numerous psychiatric medications?
I would like to streamline my life more.
I want to, but I can’t.
At least not now.
I try to make my life easier by napping when I need a rest, because that’s what feels good to me.
I know that’s not the advice that everyone here would give, but my symptoms become worse the harder I push myself.
I hate the position I am in.
I’d like to have a set schedule.
I’m at least trying to have a daily checklist.
I keep trying, because I want to be as good as I possibly can.
And, I am reminded that it’s the medications that aren’t all working, that make things way more difficult than what they need to be.
From what I hear… from what I’m told… there is hope with the schizophrenia disorders.
I believe that, and wish more progress for myself amidst this information.
How do you feel about getting along when the medication doesn’t quite work as it should? What kinds of standards have you set when your meds aren’t doing the job you’d like them to? What kinds of day to day standards have you set in general?
But, you know what?
I keep trying and doing my best.
My only concern is that it would be great to be more on-the-ball!
I feel sometimes I am going down the same dead-end paths.
What can I do though?
Aside from continuing to challenge myself, I don’t imagine much!
Do you feel as though you are making traction on your goals? Do you have a difficult time with consistency? What have you done to do better with being consistent?
I write my own songs and sometimes even sing them. It’s quite an experience.
My goal is to become uniquely inspirational some day, but not in the mentioning of a higher power kind of way.
To use real-world situations as my guide!
I’m not sure I will get to where I want to be, which needs to be better defined.
And, I’m opening myself up to potential criticism with this post…
There’s an artist, similar to Adele (that I recently discovered), but in the Christian realm, that is bright and shiny, and who also helps a lot of people—but, perhaps in a different way!
I am speaking of Lauren Daigle.
And, while I personally don’t take to the politics of the Christian “Right” (the predominate view for Christians in the U.S.), I DO find comfort in some of Lauren’s most uplifting songs!
When times are tough, I will sometimes put on some Contemporary Christian music.
So, what I get from doing this are feelings that sometimes conjure up relief for my world—no matter how much I am hurting—a “soothing” I might not have gotten without this effort—and, without some past religious programming.
I know that there are a lot of non-Christians out there, and quite frankly, religion (any religion or no religion) is your business.
So, I won’t say a whole lot more about Christianity vs. non-Christianity (because the world and people in particular are not helping matters—and, there are NO easy solutions ANYWHERE that I’ve found), except to state that it’s whatever works for and helps YOU!
In fact, you don’t even need to tell anybody you’re listening (that is, if you are)!
My main recommendation is a song of hers called, “You Say,” which is a cross-over pop song, that you may have already heard.
It isn’t the world’s best music, but it is a change of pace for some.
Plenty of people will not even care, nor will have ever heard of Lauren Daigle, so sharing her name is all I am doing here today.
Regardless of how and what you believe—her music may be worth a listen (if you’re so inclined)—makes no difference to me—except maybe on a discussion level.
Anyway, what kind of music inspires you? Seriously… with so many people loving music, I want to know what inspires YOU! No judgment… for I get inspiration from a plethora of artists and genres, that I’ve been known to listen to on “repeat” when the feeling hits!
No promises, but it’s a sad day; and, will I be able to stick to my guns?
I know this and if you’re reading my blog you know it too!
That it takes all kinds of people!
It also takes all kinds of circumstances and situations, and a plethora of things really!
Yes, I experience many symptoms of a severe mental illness.
WE KNOW THIS!
But, who TRULY cares?
Most people are happy you have the problems you have!
I don’t understand it, but that seems to be REALITY!
Thus, have I done much advocating for myself and others who have severe mental illness?
I think I’ve at least TRIED!
The problem, I have realized though, is that it’s all intertwined with politics!
In no particular order…
I am always going to be pro choice.
I am always going to be an ally of the LGBTQ community, plus I will always “defend” the marginalized (remembering that I am one of them)!
I will always a be a feminist, and an anti-capitalist (as capitalism stands today).
My vote will always be for progress, inclusion, and for doing the right thing in every instance (aka integrity)!
And, I will always stand against bullying, but stand for our Earth, honesty, and truth (although truth is highly subjective)!
Have I missed anything?!
If anything’s for sure NOW (aside from all of the above), I intend on engaging you, my readers, more, moving forward!
At this point, I’m not sure how, but I intend on hanging on to the blog for the duration… to offer something of value (I hope) for those who read it.
On some level, I am treatment resistant.
When I hear the tales of others being symptom free for a long time, in some cases, years… I am reminded that at least in my case, that is not the situation.
It’s okay though, right?
I mean, we all have something to deal with.
It’s just difficult having any chronic condition—especially one that isn’t being treated with a high degree of relief.
I think, for me, I sometimes employ high expectations of the people, places, and things in my life.
Because I am not asymptomatic. I have a plethora of mental health nuances, so I just have to deal—as does anyone else.
And, that is what I do.
Is being treatment resistant your reality? What’s the next step for medical technology? And, how do you reconcile your chronic conditions with the notion that some people do go a very long time and do quite well with their so-called chronic illnesses?
You must be logged in to post a comment.