Category / Catharsis

by Mentally Ill In America

I Went To The ER Last Night, For Pain That Needed To Be Addressed Right Away

Some tests were ran, I was diagnosed and given some medication, and I was told to come back if my condition worsened.

Long story very short, I was one of the lucky ones here in the U.S.

I did NOT have to stay parked outside, wondering if my credit was going to be ruined, or if bankruptcy was just around the corner. All because I couldn’t pay the outlandish bill!

I did NOT have to worry about substandard health care either.

My health care experience, as a whole, makes me a part of the minority of Americans these days.

I already know that a cat scan (which was required to diagnose my condition) costs about $5,000 USD, and that tonight’s treatment (and subsequent bill) will likely run close to $8,000 USD.

How would you have handled the situation where you live? What would it have been like for you? Whether you are insured or not, please walk me through your experience with going to the ER for pain that needed to be addressed right away!

by Mentally Ill In America

3 AM Thoughts

In my life, I’ve done a lot of questioning and I’ve come a long ways.

And, I’ve been uncomfortable A LOT.

My family is both uber religious and ultra conservative.

Among other things, they are self-righteous and care only about themselves.

Many of my friends are slightly less religious, but also quite conservative.

I live in the Midwestern United States, and here, that is the norm.

That being said, I’ve managed to travel in the opposite direction of everything I once knew!

I’m definitely different, the odd ball of my group.

I’ve worked on myself for the past 25 years. And, I have done the best that I could as often as I’ve been able.

And, it has been soul-crushing, trying to make sense of the senseless.

I haven’t been privy to ignoring so many of life’s atrocities, anymore than I can ignore the fact that many Americans think that the U.S. is the only country worth consideration in the world!

Yes, I struggle to love those who could care less. I grapple with loving the “shitty.”

So, as of late… I don’t.

If you didn’t come to your own (healthy) conclusions about religion and politics early on, based off of YOURS (and, others’ experiences)… you are probably following the religion and politics of your family.

An easy and automatic decision for many.

And, I get it. It’s uncomfortable for some people to think about others as their equals, and it’s easy to explain away others’ grief, especially when so many people haven’t “paid their dues.”

But, why must we do that? Think that way? Aren’t we more evolved than that? Don’t we see the shades of gray?

There are lots of choices in life. And, numerous reasons for choosing the (liberal) path that so many before us, have.

Racism. Social Justice. Equality. A woman’s right. To name four!

We are in a war of morals, of human decency. And anymore, I am creeped the fuck out!

But, I’ve also learned that one’s suffering can be the greatest of teachers.

And, I’ve come to learn that you are either practicing greater self-awareness or you are feeding your ego.

Please remember that.

I have found the above statement to be one of life’s ultimate truths!

You are either practicing greater self-awareness or you are feeding your ego.

Powerful thoughts for 3 AM.

by Mentally Ill In America

This Is Treatment Resistant Schizoaffective Disorder II

It’s quite likely that the medications I am taking for my psychosis are providing me with some protection, but not a great amount.

Right now, I am anxious and I want to die, but I know that you only get one life.

Thus, taking it away, even though I am struggling immensely, seems like a bad idea.

What needs to happen is that I need to get on a good medication regimen.

One of my problems is that I already weigh 400 lbs., so any additional medication changes need to be carefully thought out.

I have been on my current antipsychotic medication for around 15 years, give or take.

So, I guess it’s just time to find something new.

None of this is easy. My brain worsening is what is happening, and I don’t take that very lightly.

I am just frantic.

by Mentally Ill In America

This Is Treatment Resistant Schizoaffective Disorder I

I do not know where I’d be right now, if my depression wasn’t being medicated successfully. Also, my schizophrenia is NOT being medicated successfully.

Sometime in the past six months, give or take, I became quite worse on the main antipsychotic I am on.

I am not well.

You’ve heard this from me before, and the difference is, things are more dire than they were previously.

Right now, I am hallucinating pieces of conversations, and having severe delusions, oftentimes while in the process of talking to people.

This is schizoaffective disorder—the treatment resistant type.

For me, I am more aware in some ways than others who battle this illness, mainly because I am trying to “fix” the problem.

So, this affords me the opportunity to explain my issues in greater detail, right?

I suppose so, but what REALLY matters is that I get my medications straightened out.

I just want to get back to my version of “good” again!

Just gotta hold on!

by Mentally Ill In America

Hope With The Schizophrenia Disorders

I would like to streamline my life more.

I want to, but I can’t.

At least not now.

I try to make my life easier by napping when I need a rest, because that’s what feels good to me.

I know that’s not the advice that everyone here would give, but my symptoms become worse the harder I push myself.

I hate the position I am in.

I’d like to have a set schedule.

I’m at least trying to have a daily checklist.

I keep trying, because I want to be as good as I possibly can.

And, I am reminded that it’s the medications that aren’t all working, that make things way more difficult than what they need to be.

From what I hear… from what I’m told… there is hope with the schizophrenia disorders.

I believe that, and wish more progress for myself amidst this information.

How do you feel about getting along when the medication doesn’t quite work as it should? What kinds of standards have you set when your meds aren’t doing the job you’d like them to? What kinds of day to day standards have you set in general?

by Mentally Ill In America

More Transparency With My Condition

On some level, I am treatment resistant.

When I hear the tales of others being symptom free for a long time, in some cases, years… I am reminded that at least in my case, that is not the situation.

It’s okay though, right?

I mean, we all have something to deal with.

It’s just difficult having any chronic condition—especially one that isn’t being treated with a high degree of relief.

I think, for me, I sometimes employ high expectations of the people, places, and things in my life.

Because I am not asymptomatic. I have a plethora of mental health nuances, so I just have to deal—as does anyone else.

And, that is what I do.

Is being treatment resistant your reality? What’s the next step for medical technology? And, how do you reconcile your chronic conditions with the notion that some people do go a very long time and do quite well with their so-called chronic illnesses?

by Mentally Ill In America

I’m Struggling And Need A Kinder Routine, Some Relief

Gratefully, a new, supplemental antipsychotic medication is on the way!

Aside from that, I am stuck in my thoughts.

I try and find meaning into everything I think, and I no longer know how to relax very well.

Since I take my medications to ultimately avoid hospitalization, I am sometimes stuck with symptoms in a way that some other people might not be.

I’m not sure to tell you the truth.

I just know that no matter what, I do all I can to avoid the hospital.

There are drawbacks to my approach though, like for instance, my life, which is not going as well as I’d like it to be, is oftentimes in shambles. At least it has felt that way for quite awhile.

So, I will continue to take things a day at a time, as I try and restore some sanity with my meds and a kinder routine.

At the times you feel notably worse than others, what kinds of compassionate/routine-type things do you involve yourselves in?

by Mentally Ill In America

Another Update On My Mental Health

Recently, I wrote about how I am really struggling with my mental health.

Per my psychiatrist mainly, I’ve learned that the meds are not fully doing their job anymore.

I’ve also began really dissecting my thoughts, like never before.

And with all of this, I’ve come to realize, yes, I am doing better with medication; but, there is some resistance to treatment with regards to the efficacy of my meds.

This has been a long time coming.

So many people with severe mental illness struggle to be on meds that work.

I’m seeing that now more than ever before!

Thus, I know that the medication is why I am having such a difficult time overall.

What do I do? I mean, what can I really do?

As I’ve written previously, I am expecting to discuss my situation soon with my doctor and my wife.

My wife and I and other support people have already discussed this matter, so I have a lot to take to my psychiatrist in a few weeks.

I will keep you updated!

In the meantime, I will just say that I know the meds protect me quite a bit… but, they don’t clear up my instance of severe mental illness much at all.

I just want to feel better and I am afraid I’m going to continue to be stuck. For years possibly.

I hope I am wrong!

Have any of you ever felt stuck? What did you do to become unstuck?

by Mentally Ill In America

Who Has The Most To Benefit From Lying?

I was reading about recovery in schizophrenia. And, quite honestly, there is a lot that doesn’t add up.

One site on the subject says that 25% of first episode psychotic break, go on to recover.

On the same site, they say that another 25% go on to almost completely recover after a first episode psychotic break.

I’m sorry, but I feel like someone is lying!

No one with severe mental illness works harder to be more functional than me, and I do it with meds, I do it with a schedule, and I do it lacking a great amount of energy.

I just don’t feel like an almost full recovery can be accomplished in the majority of cases after a first psychotic break.

And, for those who don’t know, the other 50% do not recover in any marked way, according to these types of sites.

So, I ask myself, who has the most to benefit from lying?

And, the answer is simple.

The organizations that promote wellness and recovery have more to gain from touting around bad statistics than the individuals doing their best, living with these diseases, day in and day out.

If you have severe mental illness, I don’t suggest handing in the towel or quitting, but I will caution those who will listen… it takes a lot of work to get where even I am, and I am far from being recovered.

I hope this post is received in the spirit it was intended.

Have a nice day/eve!

by Mentally Ill In America

Living Day-To-Day With Severe And Chronic Mental Illness

I don’t think I’m too far off when I say, that there is a range of functioning capabilities among people who have schizophrenia.

And, that no matter the level of functioning, things do change (but not always in the best of ways).

We go from very bad to good (and, everywhere in between).

And, I am someone who has had this illness (schizoaffective disorder to be exact) for 20 years, and who has been able to learn over time, how to deal with it in the best manner (for me).

I am affected daily by my symptoms. And, I am reminded that, for some, they are able to “forge on through” despite being symptomatic.

I am able to do that to a degree, but certainly not always.

I have pushed myself (and, continue to push myself) to be able to do more than what I’ve traditionally been doing (since the time before my diagnosis).

And, what I’ve learned is that I may speak well/eloquently, but my functioning in terms of chores and responsibilities, is “not good!”

My functioning in terms of thwarting off the voices, escaping the delusions, and in keeping my anxiety and depression at bay are all “not good.”

I keep trying though! And, what I’ve found is that trying is something I’ll be doing for the rest of my life!

Things have never been great mind you! And, it steadily got to this point, in the three years (likely longer) leading up to my diagnosis.

So, I just make the best of my situation and don’t expect more than what I’ve learned I’m capable of!

How about you? What have you learned about your illnesses? What expectations have you set for them moving forward?