My Oldest Regret: That I Was Not As Good As Them Then

What do I mean?

I wish I wasn’t plagued with severe mental illness, and wish I had a lot more control over my day to day.

After my first series of psychotic breaks, I neglected to take medication for two plus years.

It was during that time that I was at university, and knew that I was different. Profoundly different… in retrospect.

I was walking around in the world and was actually quite ill. And, I was without meds.

My experience went unnoticed. If for no one else for sure, but me.

University is an interesting time for many, but I wasn’t able to make healthy connections for the life of me!

And, my performance at university was bad!

I graduated with the bare minimum GPA of 2.4.

My attempts at being social usually equated to self-medicated alcohol binges. And, a lot of embarrassment!

Today, I know my oldest regret was that I wasn’t as good as them back then.

I didn’t have to be like them. I did need to make my college experience more within the range of what “I” needed though.

I needed to make my college experience more about my future… a future that is now seriously fucked!

Yes. A lot of what I describe in this post may seem “normal” for that period of time in someone’s life… but I was and continue to be severely mentally ill.

Regrets? Yeah, I’ve had a few.

How about you and some of your regrets? Would you care to share a few?

Sometimes It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better

That’s been my experience.

I wrote yesterday about a particularly challenging time I’ve been having with my mental illness.

Yesterday was a prime example of how things got worse, and how they’re now a bit better.

But, what does better look like?

“Better“ is not wanting to call it quits.

“Better” is holding out hope that things will continue to improve.

And “better” is having gratitude for doing (and having done) the things that perpetuate a good health experience.

Because somewhere along the line, I made some choices.

Either through my own volition or through coercion—it doesn’t matter.

The important thing is that I made the decision to take my medications.

And, that means everything to having somewhat of a life.

In all fairness, I should be either dead or institutionalized.

Thus, my gratitude extends to my decision to be on my psychiatric medications.

Something In-Depth Regarding Schizophrenia I’ve Never Written About

I’ve been thinking about bringing up this subject for some time, and now it’s coming to fruition.

There are many people with a schizophrenia diagnosis who are stuck in a world of delusion/hallucination.

And, what I mean by that, is that they, through no fault of their own, experience an alternate reality—one that is different from the rest of us.

This has much to do with their not consistently taking an antipsychotic drug.

Antipsychotics help to keep one from going through this alternate reality I speak of.

If I were able to wave a magic wand and do so in a loving and helpful fashion, I would do so in the direction of those who both need a schizophrenia diagnosis and antipsychotic medication.

For whatever reason, my delusions/hallucinations do not exacerbate my reality, as much as many other people going through schizophrenia.

Thus, it is not all that unusual to be knee deep in this stuff, and not realize you’re hallucinating or experiencing a delusion.

Again, it is my sincere hope that someone, somewhere is able to get help to individuals who may need to be on some appropriate medication, for their symptoms.

It isn’t fun being in an alternate reality, and chances are pretty good people experiencing these types of symptoms, aren’t even aware of them… until they have an all-out psychotic break.

And even then, there is a strong lack of awareness aka a lot of denial going on.

3 AM Thoughts

There is no easy way to say it.

For me, life is tough.

Not life can be tough or life is sometimes tough.

Life is tough.

So, having established that, I ask myself, “how can I make my life easier?”

Because, to some degree, I have power over my life and my life’s choices.

Things that are in my control, is where I will focus.

And, per my example today, I can control the words I use.

Words have power!

They are influential.

Words can make all the difference in how you are treated!

Words, however, don’t guarantee that you will be heard, but they are important…

I try and be encouraging when I can, but there are times (like in this post category), where I say whatever I am feeling, and I do that with my words.

I have learned that I get more personal satisfaction out of being kind (in a general sense), and by saying things in an inviting way.

Inviting as in, people will oftentimes entertain what I have to say, if I am, above all else, kind.

Not everyone is going to care about what I am saying, though, and that is evident in the words others use back to me (or don’t use back to me).

Anyhow, this is just an important observation about using one’s words, and doing so positively – which (admittedly), I sometimes struggle doing.

Were You Ever Hospitalized And Feel You Didn’t Need To Be?

Many days, Ashley from mentalhealthathome.org, writes thought-provoking posts, and today was no exception.

The topic was on the presence and absence of violent thoughts in people with severe mental illness.

I found it fascinating to engage with others about what makes them (and me) think, what I call violent or “obtuse thoughts.”

The consensus was that these thoughts, when we have them, can be cathartic, and are NOT indicative of who we are as individuals.

In fact, no one can control their thoughts, which leads me to the point of THIS post.

As I think about the days when I needed admittance to inpatient (and it has been awhile since then), I am questioning just how bad was I?

Well, it would seem that I did have everything from racing thoughts, to psychotic thoughts, to suicidal ideations.

I even tried to leave a moving vehicle on a few occasions on the way to the hospital.

So, the point of my taking this trip down memory lane was in fact to see, were my loved ones correct, those times they took me to the ER?

And thankfully, I believe they were!

I also want to mention a statistic that has been proven over and again, that mentally ill people are no more violent than that of the general population.

That said, were you ever hospitalized and feel you didn’t need to be?

I Sometimes Take It Personally That There Are Crappy People Everywhere

First off, I overcompensate every day by having and honing decent social skills.

But, I am ill.

Secondly, my sleep is often disturbed, and I can’t get by most days, without one or two naps.

Again, I am ill.

Third, I dislike U.S. Capitalism, for it has hurt far more people than it has ever helped.

And, I’m doing better than many people in my shoes, from the standpoint that I understand the perils of U.S. Capitalism and how it destroys.

Do I like politics?

Emphatically, NO!

You have to dig deep, though, to understand how so many atrocities have come to be, in the name of U.S. Capitalism.

Unfortunately, I am not going to point most of those out to you.

But, I will say this:

This is not a black and white, one size fits all world, that we live in.

It is a global society though!

And, being transparent, present, and helpful in the ways that truly count, are very important!

Maturity is important.

Doing the right thing when no one is looking is important.

That said, success at aspects of one’s life is not a race.

We are not vying for some distant, ridiculous prize here.

This is about doing your best now, seeing the fruits of your labor as they present themselves now, and trying one more time any time you’re ready to quit.

Life is incredibly difficult, and a lot of people here on Earth are suffering. Things are not good in many ways.

What about you? Do you tell things like they are, for you and your situation? How do people respond to that?

Thinking A Lot About The Little Failures, Which Become The Big Failures

I regularly set, revise, and sometimes achieve, goals.

I’d like to think that more people are like that, than what there really are.

But, I know that goal setting is rare.

What’s even more rare, is goal achieving.

And, I know this first hand!

For instance, I drink and eat a lot of sugar.

And, I have an unbelievably difficult time flossing and brushing afterwords.

It’s so bad, that I oftentimes just do not floss or brush.

I hate that I can drink and eat all this bad stuff, and not have the ability to take care of my teeth afterwords.

I wonder, because I have such little energy in my day to day, why I can’t make these activities a priority!

Well, maybe that’s it right there. Such little energy.

But, I also wonder, how bad will things get before I do something about them? If I ever do?

Things and me are just so helpless (in this area) from where I sit.

Personal hygiene problems are indeed some of my biggest problems.

And, I don’t know how to do better with them!

I really do want to cry, but my antipsychotic and mood stabilizer won’t let me.

There Is One Thing More Disturbing Than Your Own Thoughts

The thoughts you perceive others to have.

I wish there were an easy fix to severe mental illness.

Because right now, I’m at a loss for words.

Because right now I feel terrible.

I don’t usually get down on myself all that much, but at present, I’m feeling that between my meds, my illness, and my upbringing, things are quite difficult!

When you have a thought disorder, enter me, the shit is real and the shit is tough!

I want to crawl under a rock, but I have better coping skills than that.

I want to just be told that things are going exactly the way they’re supposed to…

I had a psychiatrist that I saw for close to 15 years, and he was amazing!

I am giving my current psychiatrist every chance, but I have changed so much in the past four or five years, that I don’t think that A) the old doctor would completely know me; and B) the new doctor knows of where I’ve been.

And, the new doctor may very well know all of these things. It is possible.

One thing I’ve got going for me is that I am open, so if there’s a subject or subjects I want to broach with this new physician, I’m going to do it!

Do you have trouble speaking up to your mental health providers? What have the results been when you do?

P.S. I know that what other people think of me is none of my business, but try telling that to me when I’m not doing so well, which seems to be a lot as of late.

A Winter Mental Health Update

Every day is tough!

My psychiatrist is trying to re-build rapport with me, after my meds were notably ineffective during a major life event.

I appreciate his efforts, and we will “get there again,” I’m sure.

More on my difficulties…

I am anxious an awful lot! But, what I describe as anxiety is much more than that. It’s psychosis (as far as I can tell), but I am not a mental health professional.

The people in my life seem to be there because they want to be, and since none of them are causing any harm, they are all welcome!

It has taken me years to fully understand and appreciate a non-toxic life. And, this has included years of learning how to implement boundaries, and know the difference between what is healthy and unhealthy for me.

Interestingly enough, politics has helped in clarifying what I personally believe and what others do as well. This matters a lot when it comes to protecting my mental health.

So, while I don’t discard the people who aren’t causing any harm, I do adamantly disagree with my friends who follow Conservative politics.

But, just because we disagree, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t get along.

Some of my best friends and closest family members and I share different politics, and that’s okay!

As I spend every day, doing some kind of reading up on the state of our world, I do consider myself fairly well-informed.

But, that just means I’m not taking anyone’s crap!

Anyway, am I happier this way?

For being informed, yes. For what it is doing to me, probably not.

Are you informed and truly so? Do you consider yourself happy amid the world’s troubles?

Thanks for reading and I hope whatever holidays you celebrate or don’t celebrate, go well for you!

Sadly, Things Have Never Been Quite Right

I had a heck of a time growing up.

I never got along with other kids, and the few “friends” I had were just neighborhood kids, that were probably told to be nice to me.

I remember many, many times throughout K-12 being bullied and having to fight.

I was just very different from a lot of other kids.

Looking back, I can see that my parents were just as confused about various things in their own lives.

And, that led me to respect them and their journeys that much more!

It took me most of my 47 years to get to this point, but now I can say… I’m sorry mom/dad and I love you!

I only have one parent to say that too, but I also know that the other parent (who died some years back) would have understood (and did)!

My main desire for myself will probably never come to be, and that’s to remember life at a time when I wasn’t on meds.

While I am a big proponent of meds, I also know that they don’t fix everything. And in fact, they cause troubles with our day to day experiences. Especially anti-psychotic medications.

So, whatever you’ve been through, whatever your plight, please realize there have been thousands (if not millions of people) who have experienced what you’ve gone through, and ended up okay!

I am one of them! Even if I’d like for things to be different.