Today Is World Mental Health Day

I have access to mental health care and treatments.

I have good support systems.

I have a partner.

I have good financial resources.

But, I am in the minority of the schizophrenia population with these things.

Better efforts need to be made to help everyone!

Because even though I am comfortable in some ways, I deal with severe symptoms nearly every day.

The fight for better mental health care is only complete when there are better treatments with fewer side effects for all types of severe mental illness.

Alone With Myself And My Thoughts

NOTE: I thought about labeling this poetry, but I couldn’t decide.

All too often, I am alone with myself and my thoughts.

I can’t unload on friends and family every time.

I have to bear some of the load too!

But, I don’t do well unless I am sharing something with someone.

The pain becomes too bearable to handle otherwise.

Sometimes, I can distract myself with hobbies and with contacting a friend.

Other times, I would do good to leave the house.

But, I don’t. I stay put. Unless there’s an appointment of some kind.

How sad is that?

It’s not that I am afraid to go out, it’s that I don’t have the energy!

A song that’s sung all too often, I know…

Whatever it takes though, to get by in life, is what I will do!

It’s not over until I take my last breath. At which point it will be done.

Until then, it’s sharing my woes with all of you good people. And, trying to find better ways to cope.

What I’ve Realized About Suicidal Ideation And My Medication

Sometimes—a lot of times—I am down.

I have suicidal thoughts—with no plan—never really a plan—Just intrusive ideations!

I know, because I went some time without medication (while in the trenches), that even though I am treatment resistant, the meds keep me alive!

I repeat… the meds keep me alive!

Life is not necessarily great (there are moments though), but I do what I can, when I can, to make the most out of my life!

Oftentimes, making the most out of my life involves quite a bit of self-care.

And, even then, things are tough—very difficult to share/describe even.

I wish that I didn’t require all that I do to stay alive, and that my bad thoughts would just go away—Forever!

But, that’s not happening—So, I’ll take my life for what it is—and, do my best to make myself proud.

How do you relate to what I’ve written here? Do you care to share?

What To Do When You’re Treatment Resistant To Psychiatric Medications

In my experience, you take the medications anyway.

I am still very symptomatic, and life is quite a challenge for me.

I won’t get into a lot of detail regarding my symptoms, but I can tell you that many of my symptoms are classic schizophrenia symptoms.

There isn’t much left to the imagination where my mental health is concerned.

I only wish, that after trying a half dozen medications, I had greater relief.

And, while it’s true that I haven’t gone to a second line of defense medication (i.e. clozapine), I have been doing all I can at present, to make things manageable as they are.

What are some of your experiences with trying numerous psychiatric medications?

My Life’s A Mess

But, you know what?

I keep trying and doing my best.

My only concern is that it would be great to be more on-the-ball!

I feel sometimes I am going down the same dead-end paths.

What can I do though?

Aside from continuing to challenge myself, I don’t imagine much!

Do you feel as though you are making traction on your goals? Do you have a difficult time with consistency? What have you done to do better with being consistent?

This Is Mental Health Awareness Month

Being aware of your mental health is extremely important!

Being aware of how you handle your mental health is also extremely important!

I can say that having schizoaffective disorder, and asking a lot of questions to my providers, personally helps me to deal with it!

Sometimes I am even “good” at the kinds of questions I ask!

Asking better questions helps me to understand things on a deeper level!

What are you doing (or can you do) to make your life more manageable?

If you are struggling, you are not alone!

I came by this disorder honestly.

Not everyone does though.

And, that’s okay!

What matters the most is that we get the necessary help for “ourselves” and for our “loved ones.”

Life is not easy!

But, learning to take life a day at a time has only helped!

The Prospect Of Taking Clozapine

Earlier today, I wrote about possibly having treatment resistant schizoaffective disorder.

I already have schizoaffective disorder, but things seem to have taken a turn for the worse.

What’s getting at me a lot right now is a belief that I’ve held that I am doing “so well,” in spite of being severely mentally ill.

I feel my transparency is causing me mental anguish, in that I am educated, well-spoken, and a fucking delight most days!

And, this causes me problems believe it or not! 🙂

I’d likely do better to get out of my head more.

The only problem with that is that I don’t have enough close family history to try clozapine, which those with a psych background will understand.

With clozapine, you need to not die basically, which of course, is a good thing.

You’re monitored a LOT when you take clozapine!

And, since I don’t know my close family history well enough to say that my father who died suddenly (when he was fairly young), didn’t have a cardiac arrest while passing, I am scared.

I guess the next time my doctor and I meet up, we will weigh the pros and cons of being on the medication.

I really don’t want to die at 47.

Abilify has given me just enough get up and go to not feel totally stuck!

And now, that could all be changing, along with the potentiality of dropping dead.

I hope your life is going better. :/

This is not drama. This is real life and real pain.

And, while I’ll get through this stage of my life eventually… things are not the greatest right now.

Tell me something that’s going well for you if you will.

I Don’t Mind Being Wrong

In fact, I sometimes welcome it!

For me, it’s always been about the journey… about the search for truth!

This blog has done (and continues to do) wonders for me!

Early this morning, I got a call from my psychiatrist who I had recently seen.

He thinks right now, that I quite likely have treatment resistant schizoaffective disorder.

And, I don’t think he’s far off with that assertion.

As I’ve stated many times before, I enjoy working on myself!

And for today, I’ll leave things right there.

I hope everyone is well, and is getting through May alright!

Where Would You Be…?

Where do you suppose you would be, had you not become ill?

I think the question is interesting, because I really was heading downhill and quick like when I became full-blown ill.

What I know now is that had I been able to tolerate antipsychotics earlier on in the treatment process, I might be a bit better off.

While not complaining, I do take into account the experiences I would have likely missed out on, as I did manage to squeeze in a few things, that I probably wouldn’t have been able to, had I been on an antipsychotic regimen.

But, it may not be helpful to compare where I am today to where I was yesterday, except to note that I am much more stable than the times I “broke,” and as I’ve worked hard by “trying” for better experiences.

So yes, I am more stable today because I am taking all of my medication. And, I won’t mince words for that.

Do you ever think about the old you, and have some thoughts about that person?