Acceptance (A Poem)

I can get out of bed every day, which earns me a smiley face on my Sparkle app! 🙂

I can do a few chores (if I’m lucky).

Maybe get started on an activity (lately it’s been blogging).

And, I can drink some caffeine, all in the hopes of harnessing the energy. I just. don’t. have.

I can do all of these things and less! Always less (or so it seems) than what I am satisfied with!

What can everyone else do?

It’s more! Way more than the few things I grapple with! No doubt. 😦

Is this my life for the rest of my life?

I would gladly trade my life in, take a do over/reset, or align myself with whatever I can, to make things better!

I’ll choose the option that makes me more on par with the rest of society!

But, that option doesn’t exist for me, is not happening, nor will it happen “in good time” (if it happens at all) in my lifetime.

I want answers!

And, yet I fight!

I’m always fighting!

It’s like everything that’s happened in my life up until mental illness, was preparation for mental illness.

Fucking hell!

What Is An Empathetic Individual? (A Poem)

For me, an empathetic individual is someone who knows how to express empathy.

It’s someone who can put themselves in another’s shoes (or at least try to).

It’s someone who understands that life is rarely black and white.

It’s someone who feels things and knows that there is such a thing as “feelings.“

“Empathy simply wishes to comfort” is another way of describing what empathy is from my viewpoint.

You are either born with empathy or you are not!

I do not want to know a life without empathy.

What’s Left? (A Post + Poem)

NOTE: The poem is at the bottom of this post.

I am a truth seeker and truth teller and have schizoaffective disorder (which was caught early and I have been taking medication for it for 21 years). And, I am as much of an open book as is possible, without embellishing my lived experiences with chronic mental illness.

With that, I intend on keeping things real for my readers.

A little more about the nature of severe mental illness…

A lot of people with severe mental illness struggle with addiction. It’s commonplace actually.

In my early 20’s, I drank. No drugs. And no meds (although meds came at the age of 27 for me).

At 47, I live as much of a low-stress life as I can, and that is due to the toll severe mental illness takes on me.

Now, there are some bloggers on WordPress who have schizophrenia and are living a fulfilled life (that is their claim). And to them, I say… keep on!

There are also some people here with schizophrenia, who are battling addiction. And, I say to them… stay in the fight!

For me personally, I am somewhere in the middle in terms of what I am doing and what I am able to do.

I require a pretty high dosage of antipsychotic medications. And, every time I try to go down on any of my meds, it isn’t long before I have to return to high dosages.

And, I’m on good meds! They are preventing me from experiencing a high degree of psychosis/instability, which might otherwise land me in the hospital.

The downfall to the meds and this illness though, are that many people (if they even take the meds), have very little energy. Especially those individuals taking high dosages of the medication.

I don’t have the ability to be on the go like I did in my early 20’s, when I was self-medicating, which if you are predisposed to mental illness, only worsens your mental health.

So, while some people on WordPress claim persistence (in fighting schizophrenia) gets you a fulfilled life… that is true, but it also isn’t! And I’m left feeling like there’s more to the story!

Schizophrenia is not an illness whereby people are flourishing or (in some cases) even living a life that is completely devoid of alcohol and drugs.

Schizophrenia is a serious and debilitating disease, that if you’re doing the right things, you’ll get by. Maybe even (partially) make it! And, it’s entirely possible that many of your needs will go unmet as well!

It’s far from easy dealing with severe mental illness, and I for one, will not make it seem like it isn’t an every day battle!

In closing, the content below is a part of my worldview. So, if you want to dismiss it, you’re free to do that if you like.

What’s Left?

I am a liberal. I take issue with nationalism, capitalism, racism, and the war on women. Things in my country are not good. Nor are they going to get better soon.

When the masses embrace anti-intellectualism, and you have to search far and wide for some semblance of peace, health care, and sensibility within your country; then you know democracy is barely standing.

Even when everyone’s rights have been taken away, people will not see the value in science or education. They will never realize they voted for the wrong people.

Carving Out What I Believe In Relationship To Spiritual Role Models (A Poem)

Potential Trigger Warning: Religion (but, not toxic religion… some people will like it)!

Who’s to say what’s true and what isn’t, but I believe…

In the principles taught by Jesus Christ.

I believe in the kind of man Jesus was said to be.

I tend not to believe in the Christians or Christian churches representing him back then, on into today.

I subscribe to my interpretation of how matters were, in both the world and in other people’s hearts—then and now.

There are many similarities to things occurring back then/now, and quite a few differences as well!

The very nature of matters further addresses why no one can know what’s true and what isn’t.

In my view, the only right position for the truth seeker, is to find a model to believe in, and cautiously put their trust in them.

And, I find it easiest to do that with Jesus Christ—in the version I acknowledge him as being.

It’s a version that embraces work done by scientists, physicians, educators, and the like—not even by Christians necessarily.

Long live a Jesus Christ… just not in the toxic sense! 🙂

The Double Edged Sword Of Antipsychotics (A Poem)

They help, but they also stunt.
And, no one does more harm to me than what my illness does to me.
That being said, I know I need what the antipsychotic meds afford me.
I wish for more middle ground though.
I wish for more healing.
I wish for something other than what my life experience brings.
If I had the ability to pick up the pieces without harming myself any further,
That’s what I would do.
But, that isn’t going to happen.
And, that’s largely because of the antipsychotics and my illness.
So, I’m defeated now and ever since my life began.
Defeated on the one hand.
Triumphant on the other (or so I’m told).

Reflecting On My Goals (A Poem)

The hardest thing is wrestling with my thoughts.
The second hardest thing is dealing with my personal hygiene.
The third hardest thing is trying to stay awake.

It’s all very difficult to face, but these are my hierarchy of troubles.
And, I don’t have time to wait until things improve with age.
I have to start making things happen today.

For at some point, my teeth will rot out of my mouth.
And, my partner won’t want to come near me.

I must work on the difficult personal hygiene issues I face, now. And, every day moving forward.
This is what is right and this is what is necessary.

Because I haven’t been able to overcome my troubling thoughts (at least not at my present age), and I won’t all of a sudden not be tired.
But, I can have decent personal hygiene today.
And, I will do my best to do so starting now.

I Am Struck (A Poem)

I am struck.
I am struck by my feelings that life is difficult.
So very difficult!

And, what if you DON’T have a chronic illness?
How is life then?

Oh, I just want to be well!
The way I feel just sucks…

I only see managing.
Management of a mental illness.

So yes, I am forced to deal!
I am forced to accept…
And, the like.

I think I’ll just sleep!
Sleep makes everything a little better.