They help, but they also stunt.
And, no one does more harm to me than what my illness does to me.
That being said, I know I need what the antipsychotic meds afford me.
I wish for more middle ground though.
I wish for more healing.
I wish for something other than what my life experience brings.
If I had the ability to pick up the pieces without harming myself any further,
That’s what I would do.
But, that isn’t going to happen.
And, that’s largely because of the antipsychotics and my illness.
So, I’m defeated now and ever since my life began.
Defeated on the one hand.
Triumphant on the other (or so I’m told).
The hardest thing is wrestling with my thoughts.
The second hardest thing is dealing with my personal hygiene.
The third hardest thing is trying to stay awake.
It’s all very difficult to face, but these are my hierarchy of troubles.
And, I don’t have time to wait until things improve with age.
I have to start making things happen today.
For at some point, my teeth will rot out of my mouth.
And, my partner won’t want to come near me.
I must work on the difficult personal hygiene issues I face, now. And, every day moving forward.
This is what is right and this is what is necessary.
Because I haven’t been able to overcome my troubling thoughts (at least not at my present age), and I won’t all of a sudden not be tired.
But, I can have decent personal hygiene today.
And, I will do my best to do so starting now.
How do I achieve happiness?
I’ve been working hard at identifying my perfectionistic tendencies.
I’ve learned that I have quite a few of them.
I engage in a lifestyle that makes me think happiness is synonymous with perfection.
It may take time before things get better.
I choose to listen to music that helps my situation.
I have hobbies that help me to have a better life.
I have constant thoughts of death.
I am tired, but I will try again tomorrow.
Today and every day, I am loved.
I am struck.
I am struck by my feelings that life is difficult.
So very difficult!
And, what if you DON’T have a chronic illness?
How is life then?
Oh, I just want to be well!
The way I feel just sucks…
I only see managing.
Management of a mental illness.
So yes, I am forced to deal!
I am forced to accept…
And, the like.
I think I’ll just sleep!
Sleep makes everything a little better.
The person I was before medication, is lost.
I am no longer “hanging out” like I once did.
And, when I look around at examples of people I know
who do not take meds,
I think that I am better off today.
Surely, there are those individuals who
won’t come around to my way of thinking
And, I understand that.
But, I can’t help my time-to-time thinking of the old me.
I miss that man.
2021 has taught me
That some people with mental illness
Function fairly well on medication
I am “kind of” one of them, but not really
I am goal-directed
But, I am also struggling every day
The meds do help me to be hospital-free
They also assist me with certain thoughts
So, I do all I can with the resources I have
It’s one day at a time
And, while I may never beat schizophrenia
My symptoms could one day improve
I wanted to be on less medication.
And, I tried doing so for 5 weeks.
Is 5 weeks long enough to know?
It was for me.
And, some day, I will try scaling back again.
It is here,
The last day/night,
For a long time,
I can and will be triumphant!
And, is it just me, but no matter how difficult things are,
I know that life is a gift!
A blessing from somewhere or nowhere!
In any event, I’ll do my best to succeed,
At whatever “I” am able to succeed at!
I once saw a way.
I felt a path.
I knew of a potentiality.
It was a different sort of route.
One that made me see!
I couldn’t imagine life any other way!
I will share my thoughts.
My feelings are accessible.
I am ready to go there with you!
Too bad it took me so long!
Never mind that though.
Together, we will set each other free!
Every day is a new opportunity!
For you and for everyone involved.