I am struck.
I am struck by my feelings that life is difficult.
So very difficult!
And, what if you DON’T have a chronic illness?
How is life then?
Oh, I just want to be well!
The way I feel just sucks…
I only see managing.
Management of a mental illness.
So yes, I am forced to deal!
I am forced to accept…
And, the like.
I think I’ll just sleep!
Sleep makes everything a little better.
The person I was before medication, is lost.
I am no longer “hanging out” like I once did.
And, when I look around at examples of people I know
who do not take meds,
I think that I am better off today.
Surely, there are those individuals who
won’t come around to my way of thinking
And, I understand that.
But, I can’t help my time-to-time thinking of the old me.
I miss that man.
2021 has taught me
That some people with mental illness
Function fairly well on medication
I am “kind of” one of them, but not really
I am goal-directed
But, I am also struggling every day
The meds do help me to be hospital-free
They also assist me with certain thoughts
So, I do all I can with the resources I have
It’s one day at a time
And, while I may never beat schizophrenia
My symptoms could one day improve
I wanted to be on less medication.
And, I tried doing so for 5 weeks.
Is 5 weeks long enough to know?
It was for me.
And, some day, I will try scaling back again.
It is here,
The last day/night,
For a long time,
Maybe forever.
I can and will be triumphant!
And, is it just me, but no matter how difficult things are,
I know that life is a gift!
A blessing from somewhere or nowhere!
Who knows?
In any event, I’ll do my best to succeed,
At whatever “I” am able to succeed at!
I once saw a way.
I felt a path.
I knew of a potentiality.
For me.
It was a different sort of route.
One that made me see!
I couldn’t imagine life any other way!
I will share my thoughts.
My feelings are accessible.
I am ready to go there with you!
Too bad it took me so long!
Never mind that though.
Together, we will set each other free!
Every day is a new opportunity!
For you and for everyone involved.
For me, it matters that I try.
But, even trying will only get me so far!
I easily become tired.
I have very little energy to do things.
I guess this is my life!
This is the prize I’ve won!
Wonderful, right?
I’m the winner of a great life now!
And, I’ll let you in on a little secret.
It doesn’t get any better than this.
Whatever your personal THIS is!
That’s as good as it gets.
I must weather the storm.
Today and every day.
But, I will get through.
And, it will happen again.
I sometimes wonder why.
I am not one for self-pity.
But, I do feel a lot of anxiety right now!
I know I am not alone, yet there are moments in my mental illness experience, that are difficult to discuss!
Call it a real low-low.
That and I’ll get through!
I don’t want to justify… nope.
And, I don’t want to bullshit.
Myself or you!
I want to be straight with us both!
Always.
That’s why I get intimate.
Transparent even.
Sometimes breaking boundaries.
Sometimes holding fast to them.
l continue to work on things!
You continue to work on things!
Maybe one day it’ll all go away.
Maybe it won’t.
This is where I am at.
I want to have a better quality of life, while alive.
How do I do that?
“Do the work and still die,” is the best I have come up with.
And, this is quite my reality. It’s quite a lot of other people’s reality too!
It takes everything I have, just to recognize the patterns and behaviors that are painful, and that may be holding me back.
And, change?
That is an animal!
What I’ve come to recognize, is that I fight for a few hours of decent functioning every day!
A few “good” hours is all I get.
My mind deceives me, and it has no trouble showing me, just how bad off I currently am!
The energy it requires just to “breathe” amid a chronic illness, is a whole lot more than what “regular” people require.
I am not stuck, I am cursed.
I am cursed with bad genes. I am cursed with a bad life experience.
But, most of what I try is a band-aid. At best!
So, when I die, there will be no more suffering!
And, from day to day, a few “good” hours is all I get.
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