For me, it matters that I try.
But, even trying will only get me so far!
I easily become tired.
I have very little energy to do things.
I guess this is my life!
This is the prize I’ve won!
I’m the winner of a great life now!
And, I’ll let you in on a little secret.
It doesn’t get any better than this.
Whatever your personal THIS is!
That’s as good as it gets.
I must weather the storm.
Today and every day.
But, I will get through.
And, it will happen again.
I sometimes wonder why.
I am not one for self-pity.
But, I do feel a lot of anxiety right now!
I know I am not alone, yet there are moments in my mental illness experience, that are difficult to discuss!
Call it a real low-low.
That and I’ll get through!
I don’t want to justify… nope.
And, I don’t want to bullshit.
Myself or you!
I want to be straight with us both!
That’s why I get intimate.
Sometimes breaking boundaries.
Sometimes holding fast to them.
l continue to work on things!
You continue to work on things!
Maybe one day it’ll all go away.
Maybe it won’t.
This is where I am at.
I want to have a better quality of life, while alive.
How do I do that?
“Do the work and still die,” is the best I have come up with.
And, this is quite my reality. It’s quite a lot of other people’s reality too!
It takes everything I have, just to recognize the patterns and behaviors that are painful, and that may be holding me back.
That is an animal!
What I’ve come to recognize, is that I fight for a few hours of decent functioning every day!
A few “good” hours is all I get.
My mind deceives me, and it has no trouble showing me, just how bad off I currently am!
The energy it requires just to “breathe” amid a chronic illness, is a whole lot more than what “regular” people require.
I am not stuck, I am cursed.
I am cursed with bad genes. I am cursed with a bad life experience.
But, most of what I try is a band-aid. At best!
So, when I die, there will be no more suffering!
And, from day to day, a few “good” hours is all I get.
At the end of this tunnel.
Within my reach.
Spreading good vibes.
A life worth so much more than this!
How will I make it?
My chosen path!
I go at this somewhat alone.
Maintaining a sense of calm.
With a life.
That is dull but not empty.
With a life.
That is broken but not lost.
Preceded by a sense of happiness.
Which nobody can deny!
Faith is available!
When you are open to it (or seek it).
Unfortunately, faith is muddied!
For me, faith is not what mainstream people say it is.
It is highly personal and tailored to my own steadfast interpretation!
Few churches could ever get that right!
Especially when politics are infused with mainstream!
I grow by my own persistence.
Let the tears come.
Let them roll down my face.
I want to cry.
I want to let all the pain and struggle out!
Just for today!
Get it out.
Let it be done.
And, let me start all over!
With a fresh perspective perhaps!
One that will make this difficult life seem easier.
Just for today!
Let it all be better!
Something happened and now I am not living.
Not that I was living before. Well, I was. Sort of…
Which is what makes this hard!
As soon as medication was introduced into my life, everything changed.
And so, the long road to accepting a medication regimen began.
Today, I am accepting of my needs in this area!
But, did it have to come at the cost of whatever life I was involved with?
Apparently, it did. To at least some recognizable degree!
After all, I wasn’t carrying on like a successful person does!
There was what appeared to be progress, but I know different.
I was living a life that I was not prepared for!
I was stuck in a way of being that was not healthy or even sustainable!
My job today… Find some semblance of peace with my life in its entirety.
I will get there, if the past has taught me anything. I will!
But, I want to do more than try to live.
I just don’t know.
I once heard that reality is “just an agreement.”
But, as a society, we don’t agree on much!
That’s why community is so damn important!
And, within a community, you find those people who help you to see…
These are the people you click with!
You have similarities and you have differences.
And, while I don’t always know what is real and what isn’t…
I am hopeful that you are as real as I am!
I don’t want to worry about pathological liars…
Is it easier to stay home with a chronic illness?
Yes, in some cases.
Because I know I am “unable.”
So, I do THIS!
I have symptoms that disrupt my life…
As I know many of you do!
We’ll get through a lot of these situations together!
Just to know none of us are alone is good!
It’s real good…
One day at a time!
How many of you can relate?
I’ve all but seen people back away when I express myself.
Namely on social media.
What are they thinking?
I was fine when I appeared normal, no doubt!
But now… Now when I’m ill… look out!
Does it ever get better? The illness? The scrutiny? Life?
For me (as someone who is medicated), I’d like to think a lot of my good days are now behind me.
Whats done is done.
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“Here Until I’m Gone: 40 Poems About Trauma, Illness, And The Inevitability Of Death” is complimentary and is available now!