I’ve written about some of this before, adding more detail with each update.
My voices started when I was 24 (or at least that’s when I first started getting treatment for them).
After two psychotic breaks, they diagnosed me as having Psychosis NOS.
I enrolled in college that same year! I had just enough arrogance and tenacity to take the bull by the horns (and that’s what I did).
I was at university, attending classes, keeping it together until I was 26 (when I had yet another series of psychotic breaks).
This time, I was being urged to take the meds. They were awful and had horrendous side effects. I didn’t take them.
I then went back to school to finish. My arrogance and tenacity was waning.
I studied psychology and philosophy, and I didn’t know what to think, to believe, or to feel; and most days, I still don’t!
That my friends is grief, as well as severe mental illness.
I went from being an active and fit 24/25 year old to eating three to four times more than what I used to (or needed), by the time I was 26.
I mean, I never even ate fast food, except maybe twice a year! And, I didn’t drink pop either!
For me, this had less to do with vanity, and was my attempt to take care of myself amid some really shitty genetics.
So, everything about who I was, just completely changed in a matter of two years. Everything.
I graduated though! I walked out with the bare minimum GPA required for graduation.
What was I doing? But, more importantly, what was I thinking?
The experience of going to college and ultimately graduating, for me, was pure terror! I am the better for it, but that experience has hurt me in several ways. Even to this day!
Maybe that’s hard for some to understand, but looking at what I deal with every day, it’s not so difficult for me to understand.
Yes, I went from being someone who thought that they had everything under control, to realizing that I didn’t have much of anything under control. Especially my mental health!
And today, today all I really want to do is recapture some of who I was at 24/25.
Yes, I’ve had moments. Some of them even lasted for a little while, but nothing that gets me close to the old me.
I guess that’s par for the course, when you try and go to university with Psychosis NOS, and then, end up with schizoaffective disorder?
I surely don’t know where my mind was! Other than, I had a diminished capacity for understanding my situation.
In those days, I actually thought I could brute force my way to physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual well being. And, I tried real hard to do that!
Today, I do pretty good, compared to my peers, and for the meds I take. The meds are all at high dosages though!
The only real difference between me, then and now, is my insight and awareness. Insight into my condition and awareness of myself as someone independent of my condition.
For that, I have my personal development journey to thank! And, it has been quite a journey for sure!
No, it’s not all about the label, but it is about quality of life, which for me, is lacking in many ways.
I know I’m not alone in this. A lot of us are lacking in quality of life!
Let’s face it, all of us struggle and our lives pale in comparison to what they once were!
In general, I hope to, in this space, share with you more about how schizoaffective disorder affects me.
For now, let’s discuss my voices.
So distressing, so invasive, so real, and so powerful!
I’ve been trying to gather my thoughts on what my voices are like, so here goes:
The voices, for me, are active all the time. They’re either in the background or foreground. They are thoughts.
I sometimes find them to be pieces or remnants of conversations that l once had with myself and/or someone else.
They’re similar to the running dialogue that we all have, only the nature of my voices are extreme, chaotic.
I am plagued with a constant back and forth of dialogue that never ends. It’s usually disparaging dialogue too! And, I’m a pretty positive person!
Still, my voices are negative and oftentimes disgusting.
I hear things that fly in the face of what a person should be experiencing in their lives. 😦
For instance (and this is highly personal), I could be in conversation with a person, keeping it together outwardly, but holding nothing but hurtful and disparaging thoughts about that person inwardly.
Things that, if they could hear my thoughts, that would probably be the last time we spoke!
Now, imagine if this happened with every relationship you have in your life!
That’s precisely what I deal with every day.
I share all of this to open people’s minds about the devastation of schizophrenia and severe mental illness. Not to garner sympathy or attention.
While everyone’s situation is different/unique, this is (and has been) my experience!
None of what I go through is a walk in the park, nor is it for anyone who has severe mental illness and is symptomatic.
Thanks for reading!