I try every day to make a dent in my life, but remain attached to my antipsychotic meds (which I need).
Progress happens, but it’s slow… and I’m slow… and my energy levels are in the dirt.
Anyway, the message of hope is… hang in there… even if your life sucks.
I get it. A lot of us do.
Just be kind to yourself.
It can and will get better.
Not perfect, but better.
I regularly set, revise, and sometimes achieve, goals.
I’d like to think that more people are like that, than what there really are.
But, I know that goal setting is rare.
What’s even more rare, is goal achieving.
And, I know this first hand!
For instance, I drink and eat a lot of sugar.
And, I have an unbelievably difficult time flossing and brushing afterwords.
It’s so bad, that I oftentimes just do not floss or brush.
I hate that I can drink and eat all this bad stuff, and not have the ability to take care of my teeth afterwords.
I wonder, because I have such little energy in my day to day, why I can’t make these activities a priority!
Well, maybe that’s it right there. Such little energy.
But, I also wonder, how bad will things get before I do something about them? If I ever do?
Things and me are just so helpless (in this area) from where I sit.
Personal hygiene problems are indeed some of my biggest problems.
And, I don’t know how to do better with them!
I really do want to cry, but my antipsychotic and mood stabilizer won’t let me.
Where do I begin?
Seriously.
I have been thinking a lot about how I was at different ages of my life, with and without prescription antipsychotics.
And, I am curious about some things.
First off, I do believe my regular regimen of prescription antipsychotics are helping.
Secondly, I wanted to ask myself, were they even necessary to begin with?
I took to taking antipsychotics within six months of having a firm diagnosis that requires them.
And, I was able to see that something indeed needed to be done. Then and now.
I don’t believe that what started all of this was anything but psychosis.
Thankfully, the doctors knew what they were doing with me.
And thankfully, I adhered (and continue to adhere) to their recommendations.
I am still going to feel slighted. I am going to feel cheated. I am going to be upset… all at different intervals.
For I did have a life, all those years ago. It had its problems. But, I was able to do significantly more things in those days, than I could ever do today.
Now, the flip side to this is that I am alive. I get to experience some life, whereas some people don’t get that opportunity, or that opportunity is taken away from them too soon.
So, the only thing I really need to do for myself, with this information, is to note that we are all going to die, but only some of us do get to live.
It’s not a perfect reminder, but Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody, all of a sudden makes sense.
Anyhow, if I had one wish, it would be to see the bulk of my symptoms go into remission.
I have gotten to experience bits and pieces of a good day though.
And, I’m not 100% where I’d like to be, and have to prepare myself, that I may never be.
But, neither will most people, independent of chronic illness even.
That said, I know my illness will continue to improve… if for no other reasons, than time and my very own self-effort.
Not long ago, I shared a generic daily checklist with you, here on my blog.
It was something I put a great amount of effort into, but at the end of the day, it held too many options.
Sure, it was nice seeing all of the daily possibilities in one place, but I have nowhere near the energy it takes to fill up that checklist!
So, I started looking more into the Spoon Theory, that Ashley from Mental Health @ Home has shared with all of us.
Turns out, not only was I basically reinventing the wheel with my daily checklist, I was being ineffective in getting the most important things done!
The Spoon Theory isolates those things that are most important and gives them a ranking system, allowing for you to choose where you spend your energy, day in and day out.
It just keeps things simple, which I like very much.
The originator of the Spoon Theory created it for herself some time ago, to share with friends and family, how she deals with lupus.
She once said, that the Spoon Theory is for anyone battling an illness, and severe mental illness would definitely fit into that category.
In the spirit of sharing more of my day to day with my readers, I am including a snapshot of my spoons.
Thus, I hope others can find inspiration on the Spoon Theory. And, a quick google search regarding Spoon Theory will tell you all you need to know to get started.
For reference purposes, I have been trying to allot myself 15 spoons every day. And, many days I work with that or a little bit less.
I am interested to know. Who all out there is practicing the Spoon Theory (or any variation of such)? And, what have you found is a good number of spoons to deal with, for your situation?
NOTE: I thought about labeling this poetry, but I couldn’t decide.
All too often, I am alone with myself and my thoughts.
I can’t unload on friends and family every time.
I have to bear some of the load too!
But, I don’t do well unless I am sharing something with someone.
The pain becomes too bearable to handle otherwise.
Sometimes, I can distract myself with hobbies and with contacting a friend.
Other times, I would do good to leave the house.
But, I don’t. I stay put. Unless there’s an appointment of some kind.
How sad is that?
It’s not that I am afraid to go out, it’s that I don’t have the energy!
A song that’s sung all too often, I know…
Whatever it takes though, to get by in life, is what I will do!
It’s not over until I take my last breath. At which point it will be done.
Until then, it’s sharing my woes with all of you good people. And, trying to find better ways to cope.
No promises, but it’s a sad day; and, will I be able to stick to my guns?
I know this and if you’re reading my blog you know it too!
That it takes all kinds of people!
It also takes all kinds of circumstances and situations, and a plethora of things really!
Yes, I experience many symptoms of a severe mental illness.
WE KNOW THIS!
But, who TRULY cares?
Most people are happy you have the problems you have!
I don’t understand it, but that seems to be REALITY!
Thus, have I done much advocating for myself and others who have severe mental illness?
I think I’ve at least TRIED!
The problem, I have realized though, is that it’s all intertwined with politics!
In no particular order…
I am always going to be pro choice.
I am always going to be an ally of the LGBTQ community, plus I will always “defend” the marginalized (remembering that I am one of them)!
I will always a be a feminist, and an anti-capitalist (as capitalism stands today).
My vote will always be for progress, inclusion, and for doing the right thing in every instance (aka integrity)!
And, I will always stand against bullying, but stand for our Earth, honesty, and truth (although truth is highly subjective)!
Have I missed anything?!
If anything’s for sure NOW (aside from all of the above), I intend on engaging you, my readers, more, moving forward!
At this point, I’m not sure how, but I intend on hanging on to the blog for the duration… to offer something of value (I hope) for those who read it.
On some level, I am treatment resistant.
When I hear the tales of others being symptom free for a long time, in some cases, years… I am reminded that at least in my case, that is not the situation.
It’s okay though, right?
I mean, we all have something to deal with.
It’s just difficult having any chronic condition—especially one that isn’t being treated with a high degree of relief.
I think, for me, I sometimes employ high expectations of the people, places, and things in my life.
Because I am not asymptomatic. I have a plethora of mental health nuances, so I just have to deal—as does anyone else.
And, that is what I do.
Is being treatment resistant your reality? What’s the next step for medical technology? And, how do you reconcile your chronic conditions with the notion that some people do go a very long time and do quite well with their so-called chronic illnesses?
Mentally Ill In America 
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