The Double Edged Sword Of Antipsychotics (A Poem)

They help, but they also stunt.
And, no one does more harm to me than what my illness does to me.
That being said, I know I need what the antipsychotic meds afford me.
I wish for more middle ground though.
I wish for more healing.
I wish for something other than what my life experience brings.
If I had the ability to pick up the pieces without harming myself any further,
That’s what I would do.
But, that isn’t going to happen.
And, that’s largely because of the antipsychotics and my illness.
So, I’m defeated now and ever since my life began.
Defeated on the one hand.
Triumphant on the other (or so I’m told).

Reflecting On My Goals (A Poem)

The hardest thing is wrestling with my thoughts.
The second hardest thing is dealing with my personal hygiene.
The third hardest thing is trying to stay awake.

It’s all very difficult to face, but these are my hierarchy of troubles.
And, I don’t have time to wait until things improve with age.
I have to start making things happen today.

For at some point, my teeth will rot out of my mouth.
And, my partner won’t want to come near me.

I must work on the difficult personal hygiene issues I face, now. And, every day moving forward.
This is what is right and this is what is necessary.

Because I haven’t been able to overcome my troubling thoughts (at least not at my present age), and I won’t all of a sudden not be tired.
But, I can have decent personal hygiene today.
And, I will do my best to do so starting now.

A Winter Mental Health Update

Every day is tough!

My psychiatrist is trying to re-build rapport with me, after my meds were notably ineffective during a major life event.

I appreciate his efforts, and we will “get there again,” I’m sure.

More on my difficulties…

I am anxious an awful lot! But, what I describe as anxiety is much more than that. It’s psychosis (as far as I can tell), but I am not a mental health professional.

The people in my life seem to be there because they want to be, and since none of them are causing any harm, they are all welcome!

It has taken me years to fully understand and appreciate a non-toxic life. And, this has included years of learning how to implement boundaries, and know the difference between what is healthy and unhealthy for me.

Interestingly enough, politics has helped in clarifying what I personally believe and what others do as well. This matters a lot when it comes to protecting my mental health.

So, while I don’t discard the people who aren’t causing any harm, I do adamantly disagree with my friends who follow Conservative politics.

But, just because we disagree, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t get along.

Some of my best friends and closest family members and I share different politics, and that’s okay!

As I spend every day, doing some kind of reading up on the state of our world, I do consider myself fairly well-informed.

But, that just means I’m not taking anyone’s crap!

Anyway, am I happier this way?

For being informed, yes. For what it is doing to me, probably not.

Are you informed and truly so? Do you consider yourself happy amid the world’s troubles?

Thanks for reading and I hope whatever holidays you celebrate or don’t celebrate, go well for you!

Sadly, Things Have Never Been Quite Right

I had a heck of a time growing up.

I never got along with other kids, and the few “friends” I had were just neighborhood kids, that were probably told to be nice to me.

I remember many, many times throughout K-12 being bullied and having to fight.

I was just very different from a lot of other kids.

Looking back, I can see that my parents were just as confused about various things in their own lives.

And, that led me to respect them and their journeys that much more!

It took me most of my 47 years to get to this point, but now I can say… I’m sorry mom/dad and I love you!

I only have one parent to say that too, but I also know that the other parent (who died some years back) would have understood (and did)!

My main desire for myself will probably never come to be, and that’s to remember life at a time when I wasn’t on meds.

While I am a big proponent of meds, I also know that they don’t fix everything. And in fact, they cause troubles with our day to day experiences. Especially anti-psychotic medications.

So, whatever you’ve been through, whatever your plight, please realize there have been thousands (if not millions of people) who have experienced what you’ve gone through, and ended up okay!

I am one of them! Even if I’d like for things to be different.

Thoughts On ‘Trying’

First off, I am a pessimist, for now and likely forever. And, I’ve gotten here from educating myself on things and seeing how the world works. Especially things in the United States.

So, for me, getting organized in different places on my phone, online, and at home, has made a big difference!


Perhaps the most important thing to curtail my confusion though, has been this attitude, that, “it will get better if I just hang in there.”


Well, I’ve been hanging in there for quite some time (20+ years)! And, I am happy to say, that today, I challenge most everything!


If something doesn’t sit right with me, I question it! And, this has helped me while on the path of self-development…


So, self-development for a moment…


It has negative connotations, but again (for me), it just means I will try in spite of everything! In spite of every crummy, crappy, shitty, and difficult thing I go through (and there are many), I will try!


It is my hope that for those struggling, that you know A) I am barely holding on myself; but that B) I keep doing what I can to have a better life!


I see it like this… for years, I’ve been spinning my wheels, but I’m still alive! And, it takes me infinitely longer to do many things that some people can complete in an hour or two. And, I accept all of this!


However, I have a hope, that we can all get there. One day at a time… not necessarily to a place that doesn’t exist, but rather, to a place of greater understanding!

How have you reconciled change in your life? What have you done to make things better? What kinds of changes have you made that stand out for you?

How My Self-Recorded Reminders Are Helping Me

“Music has healing power. It has the ability to take people out of themselves for a few hours.”

And, you know what?

That’s just the type of thing I want to remind myself of where my schizoaffective disorder is concerned.

As the case is, I ruminate over some of the same things again and again, many days of the week.

So, I made a recording that addresses these issues once and for all!

You could alternatively name it, “Combatting The Voices.”

So, for anyone who wants to try helping themselves with some of their repetitive thoughts, I can recommend some great tools that will help with that!

For the mac or pc (even Linux)… Download and install Audacity (it’s free)!

If you want to record anything, Audacity is as good as it gets, and rivals the best paid-for applications on the web.

It’s safe, and it will do the job of taking your voice and making a copy of it to refer to in the future.

Optionally… if you want a microphone, you can pick up a USB mic, that will work with the mac, the pc, and (again) Linux.

Of course, you don’t need an external microphone, as many computers have built in mics!

Recording myself addressing the things I most need to be reminded of, is presently making an impact, and is steering me away from some of my suicidal thinking.

Whatever helps, right?

Exactly! And, who would have thought that recording affirmations/reminders for 20 years would help lay the foundation for when I found greater direction for my days?

How do you handle learning and self-improvement? What self-help techniques, aside from taking meds or going to therapy, are in your toolbox?

I Am Struck (A Poem)

I am struck.
I am struck by my feelings that life is difficult.
So very difficult!

And, what if you DON’T have a chronic illness?
How is life then?

Oh, I just want to be well!
The way I feel just sucks…

I only see managing.
Management of a mental illness.

So yes, I am forced to deal!
I am forced to accept…
And, the like.

I think I’ll just sleep!
Sleep makes everything a little better.