NOTE: I sometimes deal with the following angst, as a result of my psychosis. And, having high anxiety doesn’t help matters.
I have to tell you…
I am stressed about the election.
And, I don’t trust my government as things stand…
There is lots going on with me!
I wonder where my country is headed.
I know things are not good!
We are not going to do well…
I purposely haven’t said a whole lot about politics on this blog!
But, less than a month ago, the leader of the free world, walked out of a 60-minutes interview saying, “I’m the President and you’re not!”
I can no longer scream, “What is going on, America!?” I just have to assume people are dumb!
First off, I am interested in reducing a certain amount of “comfortability,” so that I may grow more. I.e. Expand my limitations a bit.
More to come on this in another post! 🙂
Secondly, I guess what I am really wanting to talk about, is that the world is “breaking” a little more every day, and that when the dust clears, I will have “broken” a little more as well!
I don’t want that and these are my delusions! Paranoia is my biggest delusion.
So, I am doing my best to “get through” and move forward (that’s all any of us can do)!
And, that said…
What sorts of ongoing concerns/fears do you have, that you find to be disruptive to your life?
In this three part series, I’ve been sharing instances of “when my mind plays tricks on me.”
Now, I’d like to share with you (as I’ve done before on this blog), just how difficult it is to keep the blog up and running.
My diagnosis is schizoaffective disorder (depressive type), and it is incredibly challenging to not obsess over the kinds of things, that other bloggers, don’t think about (and probably take for granted).
I’m not complaining, but when I say that I want to let America and the rest of the world know how bad the suffering associated with my diagnosis (and other severe mental illnesses) is, I’m sharing with you just the “facts.”
On the one hand, I feel good having started this blog. And, on the other, I have people who support it (and want to hear from me).
So, you might be thinking—what’s the problem?
And, the answer is that I am ill, and I am doing my best to manage my illness.
All of these things are prime examples of the paranoia and delusions I experience. Not to mention the auditory hallucinations that reiterate just how bad of an idea it is to have this blog (or any of the dozen or so blogs, I’ve ultimately gotten rid of).
NOTE: I am not planning on getting rid of this blog anytime soon.
In the last post, I shared some of the things, that I’ve been through in my life.
Delusions and hallucinations.
And, even though I’ve worked through these beliefs of mine, I am oftentimes reminded of the ever so slight hold they have on me yet today.
For instance, I doubt that anyone is going to run me off the road and kill me. But, I am concerned about crossing many bridges, as I drive from point to point.
And, while I don’t necessarily believe that the military is going to drop down, out of the sky to “get me,” I do think about this delusion in times of increased stress.
All in all (and as an example), I will sometimes side with the Beatles in the most adverse of situations, with their song: “I Feel Fine.”
Just as an example. 🙂
I had my first psychotic break in the late 1990’s. Shortly after 2000, I regularly began taking my medications.
It has been (and continues to be) a long and arduous journey—not only to get here, but to carve out where I am going as well.
I have worked hard managing life (where my illness is concerned), and I feel compelled to share some of my triumphs with you.
Picture some of the things I’ve been through (in no particular order):
1. Believing, on numerous occasions (while driving), that I would be run off the road, and either left for dead, or murdered wherever it is I lay.
2. Often having this feeling that I might lose control of my vehicle, while passing over a bridge of some sort—and, not understanding how other people aren’t experiencing the same thing.
3. Once spending the better part of two weeks, stuck in delusions, day in and day out, believing that the military was going to drop down, out of the sky and beat down my front door.
I used to keep a journal of some of these types of beliefs, many of which I’ve worked through.
In the next part of this three part series, I will share more insights into my situation.
There is nothing more disconcerting for me than my delusions and hallucinations.
They occur every day.
When my wife is available, I will oftentimes get a “reality check,” which definitely helps.
I don’t share any of the things I share with you, under the notion that you should in some way, feel sorry for me. I just want you to better understand me.
So, my schizophrenia symptoms happen when I write, too.
They happen all throughout the day.
I often question whether I am in a simulation, or whether I am just living a life that all-out sucks.
I question the existence of a higher power when I see evidence (a whole lot of evidence sometimes) to the contrary.
I guess oftentimes, I just don’t know what is real.
This is schizophrenia.
Also, the more information I get out on the blog, the more I feel as though I am being watched, and I feel persecuted for telling the things I tell.
Schizophrenia is my Achilles heel. I did not ask for this, I would not wish this upon any of my enemies (of which I do dislike a few people).
My condition is not a death sentence, but it is some real deal bullshit.