When Your Depression Looks Different Than What It Used To

Schizoaffective disorder is my official diagnosis.

A lot of times, my depression looks different, because I’ve become dependable and I don’t feel bad about myself (i.e. I don’t have poor self-esteem)!

Not that everyone who’s depressed, has poor self-esteem btw…

But, what symptoms do I have exactly?

Maybe this is a good discussion for my doctor!

But yeah, I have a lot of schizophrenia symptoms going on, and that is troubling too!

It’s been 20 years since I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder.

And, I hope that one day, I won’t need my meds!

Although, I know deep down, that that is an impossibility!

Something That Must Be Said

I have a not-so-common mental illness (schizophrenia), and the people I’ve known my entire life are resentful of me, because I am on disability, and they are not! It’s a sad situation! My family doesn’t need the support. They are not Ill in any way. So, I am all out of fucks to give for these toxic pieces of shit!

We Are The Marginalized

Are we? Or is that term outdated? Does it need updating?

I am hesitant to post a title like this, because I don’t believe I am a victim!

But, in my mind, many of us here in the blogosphere, are the 50% of people who actually give a damn!

That’s never to say we are victims, but our situations are oftentimes more fragile than other people’s.

Because of this, we must advocate for ourselves when we are able, and leave the rest to our friends in battle!

There are so many examples of the marginalized (people who, for one reason or another, experience difficulty in modern day society), that I just want to build us all up!

We each deserve some amount of contentment, happiness, and the like.

And, when we are able… we must fight for it!

Like, the fact that I always write about my troubles. Maybe I could switch it up some, because I have so many good days (not)!?

I write about my difficulties usually, because I want you to know of the challenges that people with severe mental illness deal with.

And, all of this is not to say that we deserve some kind of special consideration, but I tend to have a problem with individuals who lump everyone together and say, “we all have problems.”

Aside from blogging, how are you fighting for better days? Do you have a philosophy on how much of your struggle you share, and how many of your good days you talk about?

And, what about people, making statements such as, “we all have problems?” Is that even fair to those suffering from chronic health issues?

I have a lot of questions in this post. Please answer as many as you can!

Thank you…

Update On My Blogging

So, I really am not doing “good.” I go in phases of being “so-so” to really having a lot of “mental anguish.”

And, I want to be as transparent as I can with this. Especially as I recently met with my doctor.

In a nutshell, I was told that I am doing “better than I was when they first met me,” and that to “be positive.”

This is my doctor, and it’s just a little disconcerting that an M.D. would tell me to just “be positive.”

It is possible, that because I am depressed, that I am taking some of their message and getting it twisted. But, I seem to remember them mentioning the need for positivity.

Anyhow, I will keep you updated on things, with no promises of anything regarding my activity in the blogosphere now (except that I will not harm myself).

I hope all of you are well.

Thanks again for reading.

I Saw A Snippet Of Something That Really Struck Me

It was on social media, and it was Brad Pitt saying something at one of the movie awards shows.

He said something to the effect that he’s “not one to look back.”

And, that struck me.

Because I remember a few of his good performances over the years.

And, for him to be “not one to look back” was just revealing to me.

Maybe there’s a lesson in there for all of us! 🙂

Trying Not To Be Mad At The Rest Of The World Right Now

There is a feeling that I am experiencing, and I must admit, it’s been awhile since I’ve felt it.

It is my being extremely upset at the world at large, the people (if you will) that are not depressed, not psychotic, not mentally ill…

It’s the type of feeling that separates me from the masses, a position that I am used to anyhow, but now I am feeling it a little differently (and pretty hardcore).

I suppose it has something to do with COVID-19, but not everything.

I suppose if people did what is expected of them, and practiced social isolation, I might not be feeling like humanity just all out sucks. And, badly!

Hell, just watch “Tiger King” on repeat. But, please do what’s right!

Yes, I cannot be too sure that it is COVID-19 that is the full culprit, because I am also upset at other facets of humanity.

It has to get easier, because I cannot handle feeling like shit for all of next week.

What’s got your goat? Is COVID-19 stirring feelings inside of you that may (or may not) be socially acceptable to talk about?

When A Person Like Me Remarks That Something Is “Sad”

When I say that something is “sad,” it usually is.

I get the notion to express compassion from both my personal integrity, and from my conditioned response to do so.

Since I’ve experienced a lot of difficult times with mental illness, I am well-equipped to say that something (anything illness related), is sad.

I hope that I can continue having compassion (although I don’t think that that will be a problem), and I hope that things will get better for people in my situation. Including me.

But, I am not so hopeful when it comes down to it…

I do not believe in a “cure.”

While some are holding onto hope for that as an answer, I just don’t feel the same way.

I’ll hedge my bets on trying to be compassionate towards everyone though. Even if they believe a cure is coming.

After all, what matters most, in my view, is how you treat others. Especially those who can do nothing for you.

I Know I Need To Get Moving More But I Can’t

I am not talking about exercise, although that’s a nice thought.

I am talking about getting out of the house in general.

I left this weekend, which is great.

Maybe all I am able to do right now is blog.

It sure seems that way!

I am going through something.

I recently met with my psychiatrist, so I don’t know if I’ll contact him again.

I may have to.

I need to hear a guiding voice that says, “Do this. Do that.”

It doesn’t mean I can/will do those things right now, but knowing that someone has my back, is immensely helpful.

Of course, I appreciate the support here too.

I just wish I were stronger in this moment.

I do!

Sleep It Off: A Way Out Of The Funk?

I don’t know how to get out of this funk I am in.

The last time I felt this bad, I called my doctor, who I couldn’t reach!

Sometimes you just want the pain, all of it, to end… No matter what it takes!

I am not one to do anything foolish, but I am one to share my thought process during a difficult time.

And, right now my thought process is, “this sucks.”

Sure, I will continue to sleep it off. But, there is so much confusion associated with where I am at this moment, that I “just don’t know.”

I don’t drink or do street drugs. I just take my medication twice every day.

It’s got to get better and I know it will.

Thanks for reading.