Alone With Myself And My Thoughts

NOTE: I thought about labeling this poetry, but I couldn’t decide.

All too often, I am alone with myself and my thoughts.

I can’t unload on friends and family every time.

I have to bear some of the load too!

But, I don’t do well unless I am sharing something with someone.

The pain becomes too bearable to handle otherwise.

Sometimes, I can distract myself with hobbies and with contacting a friend.

Other times, I would do good to leave the house.

But, I don’t. I stay put. Unless there’s an appointment of some kind.

How sad is that?

It’s not that I am afraid to go out, it’s that I don’t have the energy!

A song that’s sung all too often, I know…

Whatever it takes though, to get by in life, is what I will do!

It’s not over until I take my last breath. At which point it will be done.

Until then, it’s sharing my woes with all of you good people. And, trying to find better ways to cope.

Follow Up And Follow Through: The Impact Childhood Suffering Can Have On Adults (Part Of A Series Of Essays)

I have no official qualifications, other than “empathy,” and a BA in Psychology; and, while those things are “something,” they’re not nearly enough to speak with authority.

What I want to state though, in this essay, is that, we, as a society, due to a variety of reasons, don’t follow up and follow through effectively and efficiently, with our children who are suffering.

I’m not even convinced that if the resources were widely available, that we’d even know how to get results!

This essay comes at a time in my life, when I am realizing the impact that childhood neglect and general suffering have had on me!

As of late, I have found myself believing that my psychosis was possibly caused by my high childhood (and adulthood) anxiety.

But, I was never treated for mental health issues, until I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder!

No, I don’t believe anxiety is solely to blame; but, I do think it has played a role in the mental health symptoms I experience today!

So, more to the point…

What can be done about abuse, neglect, and all the issues surrounding these two phenomena?

My belief… not much.

Not much?

Yes, sadly… not much!

Until you’re an adult that is, which at that point, means you’ve automatically been entered into a “healing” journey.

Occasionally, strides are made during one’s childhood, but not nearly enough is done!

It is so incredibly sad (and painful) to think that I, as a child, experienced neglect with the added touch of food insecurity.

I was always fed, but two days outside of grocery day, all snacks were rummaged through and gone, out of the house!

We’d always siphon through them, until they were caput.

Two days.

There are actually much worse stories involving neglect and abuse. This, I am quite aware of!

But, I cannot begin to write about them, because I don’t know enough about them on an “intimate” level.

All I am familiar with are my personal experiences.

Presently, I am obese and in need of more than a temporary fix for my eating issues.

I have come to believe I am a food addict.

So, at some point, I’ll either have this food addiction thing figured out (and, maybe get some more time on Earth)… or I’ll simply die!

And, I’d be foolish to think that I couldn’t get a myriad of other ailments that might easily take my life before that happens.

Thus, I am making note of the fact that none of us know when our time has come.

We are given today only.

And, wouldn’t I love to do “more” with my today’s?

Yes, I would!

But, my chronic illness has no let up.

I face symptoms every day, that could have, quite possibly, gotten their start in childhood.

With anxiety, depression, and neglect.

Whose to say much of this couldn’t have been avoided?

All I can do is surmise that an Andrew Yang or a Bernie Sanders couldn’t have made a real impact on me (or my family)?

They couldn’t, right?

So, if someone tells you to buck up out there in the blogosphere (or in real life)… you might want to suggest that they get an encyclopedia. And, while they’re at it, change zip codes… Lol.

So you’ll no longer have to deal dumb people!

But, I am sure you know… dump people are everywhere!

Faith And Cognitive Dissonance

How many of my readers, struggle with the notion of faith and cognitive dissonance? Or __________ and cognitive dissonance?

I know that I do and I would love to hear from others who do as well!

I waver in my life, a certain amount, so for me to feel this way is not totally unusual!

For instance, one day I’ll feel totally removed from any sort of ideas of “faith,” and on another day, I am firmly rooted in my ideas of “faith.”

This is torture! But, this is also a part of my illness (I believe)!

What is your experience with faith and cognitive dissonance? Is this experience, similar to other patterns in your life that you deal with regarding the notion of cognitive dissonance?

Why You’ll Think Of Me As Being Symptomatic Right Now (Part Of A Series Of Essays)

NOTE: This essay was written awhile ago. I am more stable at this time.

I have chronic schizoaffective disorder (depressive type), and I believe in this very moment, that the government is out to get me.

I truly do!

Some things that have popped up in recent days are: strange requests for my book (keep the requests coming, no worries), a memory of that time when one of our POTUS’ associates pm’ed me on a social media platform (it happened on Reddit with every indication that this person is who their 10-year old username says they are), and various other reasons why I ask my wife about this or that or the other thing.

Yes, I am having delusions right now, and I am also hearing voices.

A lot of the problem lies in how people with my diagnosis see themselves amid people and situations that attempt to “talk us down.”

The default, “No one is watching you. You’re not that important.” works much of the time, but now, I need a little help!

I realize that I am high-functioning, and that this post may turn a lot of people off.

It may even scare a few.

But, I want to be completely transparent with you, my readers.

So, here goes:

I am afraid.

And, I am becoming more and more fearful due to the stress involved with the cornoa virus.

But, no one can make life easier for me right now.

No one can stop what I am feeling.

It’s sad to think that, while definitely not the last days of humanity, we are certainly in turbulent times!

This post was written a week and a half ago (on April 1, 2020 for perspective), when the U.S. had 140,640 corona virus cases.

So, there you have it!

The right amount of events have triggered more of my psychosis, and what sucks is, I am not certain that I am completely wrong about some of the things I write about!

This, of course, is typical for me when having these types of troubles.

I hate it though, because I know it is furthering damage to my brain.

‘F’ you corona virus and ‘F’ you to all that doesn’t make sense in my world, due to my being ill.

This completely and totally sucks.

P.S. There is a decent chance that I accidentally missed 0-2 doses of my mood stabilizer medication in the past 48 hours, but I cannot remember whether I took them. Each potentially missed dose accounts for 2/3 of my daily requirement, so it’s a big mishap even missing 1 dose.

Insight Is The Name Of The Game, The Name Of The Game Is Insight (Part Of A Series Of Essays)

How and where does someone with schizophrenia (or schizoaffective disorder), learn better insight?

Sure, you may pick up a few tips in the counselor’s office, or by visiting with your psychiatrist 15-minutes, three times a year.

But, for me, I now take more extreme measures.

I google, read, write, blog… learn… more about the world and my place in it.

You’ve heard me remark on my “humble beginnings” in life, in both my book and in a recent blog post.

And, quite frankly, the way that I grew up has set a spark for me, the way that nothing else has.

In wanting a better, more purpose-filled life!

I will tell you that there were times in my life before my first psychotic break, that I was losing it, clearly losing it… but, I kept on, which I think, can make the situation worse when things finally do unravel.

In any event, I recall these little notebooks that I kept, full of philosophical writings, that unfortunately, I no longer have.

So, as things were beginning to get bad for me, those “mini” journal entries (if you will), became the only bits of wisdom that I was able to hold onto.

And then, the first break.

Man, it is so challenging telling you all how that felt!

I vividly remember going from working full-time, taking a college class, working part-time, and dating; and that was about the size of my goings on, friends.

I was doing too much at once! Way too much.

To the end that I could have taken it easy, I didn’t.

In fact, I was largely incapable of taking life easy in those days.

Today is a little different.

It’s been awhile since any breaks, and the main thing I am seemingly doing these days is writing (blogging) about my life.

Not all bad.

In fact, it is far from bad, considering what I am dealing with.

If I can help someone, anyone, feel a sense of hope (or cure a sense of frustration)… whatever I am able to do… then, I feel successful!

And, no one can take that away from me.

No one.

The Exploration Of Happiness (A Poem)

Happiness is anything but simple.
And, sometimes human beings forget this.
Happiness is fleeting.
It visits for a little while and then it’s leaves again.
I wonder how our ancestors dealt with happiness.
What do you suppose happiness meant for them?
Surely, happiness was somewhat universal back then.
Today, happiness can mean a lot of different things.
For instance, I am happy when I am creating.
Other people may be happy after a long day’s work.
Happiness means different things to different people.