How Personal Development Has Been “Forced” On Me

NOTE: When I say “forced,” I mean that I elected this path of personal development, which has much to do with how I process the world around me.

Personal development has been something I’ve been doing for 25 years, with varying degrees of success!

What I am beginning to figure out is that much of my progress is not only “slow,” but the process (for me) serves as more “motivational” than anything else.

Since I’ve learned that motivation doesn’t last… a lot of what I am hearing from listening to personal development audios, is not really helping!

Again, I get the benefit of being motivated… for a little while… maybe a day at most…

And, these are my observations!

Now, how has personal development been “forced” on me?

From my earliest days of getting doused with motivation (at 20/21), things were not “right” with me!

I didn’t know it at the time… but, for much of my life up until and after this period of personal development dousing, I was highly anxious!

My entire life, in fact (and in retrospect), I had a lot of anxiety… A lot!

I can remember being questioned about my life “privately” in elementary school, by social workers.

They asked me questions about my home life, and accepted the answers I gave them. At face value even!

If I were a school social worker, and I was questioning kids about their home life… I’d probably have done my homework prior to speaking to them!

Anyhow, I know about budget constraints and about kids falling through the cracks… plus, this was in the early 80’s!

In other words, I was likely doomed from the get-go…

So, personal development was my earliest “go-to” for anything I needed to understand (and, “explain” this mad life to me)!

What are some important ways in which you’ve grown, through having mental illness?

Reliability And Symptom Reporting

I don’t know about you, but I am not always reliable with my accounts of things.

I do my best, to the point, that I think I know what I am saying… but, clearly all of us are wrong from time to time, and I’m no exception!

I am sure this happens with symptom reporting too!

Also, I am talking with my doctor more regarding my medication concerns, which is good.

As always, I start with “one day at a time,” and go from there…

How are you at reliability as it pertains to symptom reporting?

BTW Merry Christmas to those who celebrate it.

Blogging Helps Me, Even When I Can’t Help Myself

I like to think about the items I can do to make my road easier.

And, I am still confused about the processes of many things.

For instance, I now know that a checklist helps me.

…When I have the energy to follow one!

In one way or another, I am convinced of my checklist’s effectiveness.

Again, when I’m following it.

What are some things you do that are helpful, but that you can’t always follow through on?

Much Of The Social Media Positivity Out There Is BS

As someone who has worked on themselves for 25 years, I can tell you that, a lot of this social media positivity, is bullshit.

I am better at spotting it than I used to be.

I am better at following things that do matter.

One day at a time and I try to have some semblance of peace, of happiness.

It’s not easy, but I persist nonetheless.

Something that helps to keep me going is that I know I’ll die anyway someday. And, I may as well do all I can while I am here!

What keeps you going in life?

Four Ideas That I Find Helpful, Part Two

Music.

Everything is music to me!

Whether it be a tune or just something that is music to my ears!

Music. Music. Music.

Or, sound actually…

Let’s make a beautiful sound and get the band back together!

Why not? 🙂

So, everyone’s taste in music is different no doubt!

But, if you like popular music, I am going to share a list with you of some of my favorite songs!

As with anything, take what you want and leave the rest…

I made a playlist of some songs from my collection of music.

Do you like any of the sounds on the following list? Which ones? 🙂

Million Years Ago (Adele)
Sweet Emotion (Aerosmith)
When The Party’s Over (Billie Eilish)
Human Touch (Bruce Springsteen )
Clocks (Coldplay)
Rebel Rebel (David Bowie)
Personal Jesus (Depeche Mode)
Strange Days (Doors)
Come Undone (Duran Duran)
Society (Eddie Vedder)
Everywhere (Fleetwood Mac)
Come Alive (Foo Fighters)
Hold on My Heart (Genesis)
Til I Hear It From You (Gin Blossoms)
Better Days (Goo Goo Dolls)
Wake Me When September Ends (Green Day)
Perfect World (Huey Lewis & The News)
Whatever It Takes (Imagine Dragons)
Gravity (John Mayer)
Get A Leg Up (John Mellencamp)
Lights (Journey)
Roar (Katy Perry )
Because Of You (Kelly Clarkson)
Telephone (Lady Gaga)
We Deal In Dreams (Live)
Make It Happen (Mariah Carey)
Daylight (Maroon 5)
3 am (Matchbox Twenty)
Said I Loved You… But I Lied (Michael Bolton)
In This World (Moby)
Part of the Process (Morcheeba)
When We Stand Together (Nickelback)
Lithium (Nirvana)
Hella Good (No Doubt)
Gone Away (Offspring)
I Am So Ordinary (Paula Cole)
Just Breathe (Pearl Jam)
Sour Times (Portishead )
Californication (Red Hot Chili Peppers)
Everybody Hurts (R.E.M.)
Streetcorner Symphony (Rob Thomas)
World On Fire (Sarah McLachlan)
Love’s Divine (Seal)
Strong Enough (Sheryl Crow)
Fields Of Gold (Sting)
Lounge Fly (Stone Temple Pilots)
Blow Up The Outside World (Soundgarden)
Someday (Sugar Ray)
Jumper (Third Eye Blind)
Drops of Jupiter (Train)
Beautiful Day (U2)
One Headlight (Wallflowers)
Stand By Me (Weezer)
The Hardest Button to Button (White Stripes)
The Good Old Days (Yes Man Soundtrack)

I Think A Lot About How I Function

I don’t do that well!

The difference between now and at any point in my life before I was diagnosed, is significant!

I just want to be able to be more consistent in my day to day life!

I have a schedule… one that I’ve been working on for quite some time.

And, I am experimenting with the number of hours I sleep every night.

I really don’t see an end in sight to my suffering though…

I’d like to be transparent with you!

Mental illness has robbed me of a lot!

That said, I have a lot too!

A wife, her family, my mom, a dog, this community…

How cool is that?

All of it!

It’s all great!

I am seriously grateful for the people (and dog) I count on, to help brighten my day!

I just would have liked my life to turn out differently.

I would have liked to have been a therapist.

But, I don’t function all that well with what I am dealing with, and there is zero let up of persistent symptoms.

FYI There aren’t many people with schizophrenia leading therapy groups.

Peer groups, perhaps…

But, not all out therapy sessions!

Oh well…

These are just my thoughts!

And, I have accepted my situation for what it is…

I recognize that many people are not doing what they would have enjoyed doing, if given the chance.

As for me… this is what I can do!

So, I am doing it!

I Am Reminded That There Is Good In People

I am sad at the moment.

I feel like I am somewhat lost amid my beliefs.

Part of the problem is that I am looking for a label for them.

And, I haven’t quite found the right one.

Oh well, it will come… I hope.

My beliefs:

Christian belief in Jesus and the Resurrection.

My non-belief:

Evangelicalism.

And, for the record, I don’t think that anyone gets through life unscathed!

So, I wanted to mention that, and say too, that I am extremely grateful for the good!

The good in people namely!

As, I believe it does exist…

I want to believe in it anyhow…

It has to be somewhere, right?

What do you think? Is there good in people? What kinds of examples do you see?

Keeping Good Boundaries: When People Perceive My Being Kind For My Being Well

I recently reconnected with someone from my past, who knew a different version of myself. Not that my being different in the past matters really, but our knowing each other, took place just before (and during) my becoming full-blown ill.

We caught up pretty quickly, and one of her last questions to me during the process of us getting reacquainted, was… “Are you working?”

I immediately went into “defense” mode, but not overtly.

After all, she knew me when I first became full-blown ill (I was a student at the time), and as I am often paranoid… I was indeed bothered by her question!

I felt that I was very kind during our communication, but somehow (and maybe this is on her), I also felt that I was inevitably being judged for my answer.

“No, I blog. I have a site actually, and I am told that it sometimes helps people.”

While I didn’t feel bad for making this revelation, I did feel bad because she asked me the question at all!

And, this is where it gets tricky…

I was working early on, while attending school. But, there was some definite distance between my working and my completing my degree.

My point… I was basically left with the idea, that it’s always going to be the question that people, in general, ask.

And, it doesn’t matter who asks it. The question will always be a variation of, “What do you do for work?”

“ARE YOU WORKING?”

No, I am not. Put simply… I cannot!

If all disabled people could work, I am certain many more of us would be!

I know I would!

What do you think? Is this a “me” issue (in other words, is this “me” having a bad attitude), or do people basically, lack depth and/or common sense? What are your experiences with this type of thing? Is some of it a “boundaries” problem?

I Took A Long, Hard Look At Yesterday’s Post (And, The Responses I Got)

As I was re-reading the post (several times), I caught onto what my reader’s were saying…

I didn’t realize that I was coming off as so “discouraging…” and, I want to apologize!

Especially as I’ve personally had a notable improvement with one of my symptoms in the last short while…

For us, the word “Can’t” is an unfair one to utter (to say the least)!!!

And, I wanted to bring attention, to the fact that I am better today at managing one very troubling aspect of my psychosis.

I have two posts in cue, where I’ve written about this improvement I’ve personally experienced!

I used to “connect the dots” a lot over the past few decades, and recently realized that I’ve been doing less of that – which is amazing!

Once again, I am sorry for the tone I took yesterday…

Thanks to my readers, for taking me to task (so to speak) with my language… that helps me to grow!

How Not To Be A Victim Of Mental Illness, Addiction, And/Or Trauma

I have issues in all of the above areas, but I am not a victim!

Yes, issues suck! And, they suck BIG time…

But, I am trying to defeat the demons that come along with each of mine!

There is a problem, though… defeating one’s demons and healing is not cut and dry…

We just have to do our best at recognizing the issues, triggers, and what it’s going to take to manage them…

I actually feel as though, I will be managing mental illness, addiction, and trauma for the rest of my life!

In other words, I don’t feel like I can overcome all of the above!

But, I could be wrong!

I’ve read that you know when you’ve overcome trauma (for instance), when you can tell your story and you don’t cry!

Again, I can manage these phenomena right now… but, “relapse” is a part of life and that must be acknowledged!

There’s no shame in relapsing…

None…

And, that’s my take…

I would love to hear yours!