What I’ve Realized About Suicidal Ideation And My Medication

Sometimes—a lot of times—I am down.

I have suicidal thoughts—with no plan—never really a plan—Just intrusive ideations!

I know, because I went some time without medication (while in the trenches), that even though I am treatment resistant, the meds keep me alive!

I repeat… the meds keep me alive!

Life is not necessarily great (there are moments though), but I do what I can, when I can, to make the most out of my life!

Oftentimes, making the most out of my life involves quite a bit of self-care.

And, even then, things are tough—very difficult to share/describe even.

I wish that I didn’t require all that I do to stay alive, and that my bad thoughts would just go away—Forever!

But, that’s not happening—So, I’ll take my life for what it is—and, do my best to make myself proud.

How do you relate to what I’ve written here? Do you care to share?

3 AM Thoughts

In my life, I’ve done a lot of questioning and I’ve come a long ways.

And, I’ve been uncomfortable A LOT.

My family is both uber religious and ultra conservative.

Among other things, they are self-righteous and care only about themselves.

Many of my friends are slightly less religious, but also quite conservative.

I live in the Midwestern United States, and here, that is the norm.

That being said, I’ve managed to travel in the opposite direction of everything I once knew!

I’m definitely different, the odd ball of my group.

I’ve worked on myself for the past 25 years. And, I have done the best that I could as often as I’ve been able.

And, it has been soul-crushing, trying to make sense of the senseless.

I haven’t been privy to ignoring so many of life’s atrocities, anymore than I can ignore the fact that many Americans think that the U.S. is the only country worth consideration in the world!

Yes, I struggle to love those who could care less. I grapple with loving the “shitty.”

So, as of late… I don’t.

If you didn’t come to your own (healthy) conclusions about religion and politics early on, based off of YOURS (and, others’ experiences)… you are probably following the religion and politics of your family.

An easy and automatic decision for many.

And, I get it. It’s uncomfortable for some people to think about others as their equals, and it’s easy to explain away others’ grief, especially when so many people haven’t “paid their dues.”

But, why must we do that? Think that way? Aren’t we more evolved than that? Don’t we see the shades of gray?

There are lots of choices in life. And, numerous reasons for choosing the (liberal) path that so many before us, have.

Racism. Social Justice. Equality. A woman’s right. To name four!

We are in a war of morals, of human decency. And anymore, I am creeped the fuck out!

But, I’ve also learned that one’s suffering can be the greatest of teachers.

And, I’ve come to learn that you are either practicing greater self-awareness or you are feeding your ego.

Please remember that.

I have found the above statement to be one of life’s ultimate truths!

You are either practicing greater self-awareness or you are feeding your ego.

Powerful thoughts for 3 AM.

How I Overcame Agnosia To Become “Mostly” Aware Today

In the world of brick and mortar business, it’s “Location. Location. Location.”

It’s not much different with severe mental illness, in particular, schizophrenia, except that it’s “Education. Education. Education.”

I am one of those geeks, that cares about my well-being, and who wants to be the best I can be.

That being said, I go through periods of time (i.e. years), that I don’t have the ability to work through my core symptoms.

Maybe I’m under/over medicated, maybe it’s the side effects, maybe it’s because I’m treatment resistant, or maybe it’s a combination of all the above!

Whatever your individual situation, your doctor and you know “you” best. So, I highly recommend seeking out (or continuing to seek out) opportunities to learn more about your condition with your doctor.

Wanting to be educated is generally how I have been for much of my adult life, and having mental illness hasn’t changed that.

If anything, for me, being ill makes me want to learn that much more. To again… be the best I can be!

Aside from blogging (and, all that that entails), what sorts of opportunities have you found yourself getting involved with, in order to raise your awareness of various aspects of your condition?

Medication For The Fight (A Poem)

2021 has taught me
That some people with mental illness
Function fairly well on medication
I am “kind of” one of them, but not really

I am goal-directed
But, I am also struggling every day
The meds do help me to be hospital-free
They also assist me with certain thoughts

So, I do all I can with the resources I have
It’s one day at a time
And, while I may never beat schizophrenia
My symptoms could one day improve

In General, Are My Comments Showing Up As Spam, Or Are People Deleting Them?

I am not talking about the occasional comment where I am upset (and the blogger removes my comment), I am referring to the comments that just aren’t showing up. At all.

If it’s a situation whereby you don’t want my comments on your blog, please stop commenting on mine.

If it’s that my comments are showing up as spam, then please check your spam folder.

I am not a spammer.

Have a wonderful day!

More Transparency With My Condition

On some level, I am treatment resistant.

When I hear the tales of others being symptom free for a long time, in some cases, years… I am reminded that at least in my case, that is not the situation.

It’s okay though, right?

I mean, we all have something to deal with.

It’s just difficult having any chronic condition—especially one that isn’t being treated with a high degree of relief.

I think, for me, I sometimes employ high expectations of the people, places, and things in my life.

Because I am not asymptomatic. I have a plethora of mental health nuances, so I just have to deal—as does anyone else.

And, that is what I do.

Is being treatment resistant your reality? What’s the next step for medical technology? And, how do you reconcile your chronic conditions with the notion that some people do go a very long time and do quite well with their so-called chronic illnesses?

How I’ve Kept Friends Amidst This Volatile Political Climate

Many of my friends think differently than I do—vastly differently in the majority of cases.

And, navigating the rough waters of relationships with these individuals has been tough!

It required a lot of trial and error, to include more than a few disgruntled fights.

The very mentioning of politics today by anyone other than my partner pains me!

What did I do to make things easier on me?

I put up boundaries with my friends.

I said, “I don’t want to discuss politics.”

And, I have been known to cite my illness as the reason for it!

I have definitely been quite adamant about this as being my standing policy.

I’ve also learned that you can gauge someone’s respect for you by how well they honor your wishes!

I do have a few friends who still bring up politics – but, they know my policy and (usually) do their best to adhere to it.

It’s just a messed up situation all the way around!

Because politicians want us fighting each other. That is their goal!

Anyway, I don’t do that any longer. And, appreciate what friends I have kept for what they bring to the table, and not which side of the table they sit on.

What’s been of great help too, is A) Knowing the issues. But, B) No longer following politics except perhaps during an election.

I’ve had to do this for my own mental health.

What is going on with politics where your friends are concerned ? Have you done something similar? Something different?

Doing One’s Best And Being Symptomatic

I used to believe I was doing my best by holding my thoughts captive.

And, now I believe this philosophical approach is not so good for me.

But, how do you change the very thing that made you who you are?

In terms of my personality, I’ve always been “deep.”

From adolescence to present day, I’ve always been a “thinker.”

But, now I’m tired of “thinking…”

I’m just tired of mental illness to be straight!

I’m bothered by some of my behaviors, which I’ve began viewing as symptoms of the illness (rather than my being witty, intelligent, or clever).

During the half dozen or so times I was inpatient, I can recall a range of these behaviors:

From not talking to talking, from being polite to being belligerent.

Simple, yet revealing (at least to me)!

This was and is my illness. And, it’s still the pattern I’m involved in today (although I’m not belligerent anymore).

I’d love to end this post by asking some witty, intelligent, or clever questions… but, my tolerance level for my own bullshit has pegged the V/U meter.

That, or as I’ve already said, I’m just tired!

The “Horrors” Of Pre-Psychosis

As a teenager, I watched horror movies.

I used to enjoy them. And, I think I thought parts of them were real!

As an adult, I confessed that in some of those movies, I actually believed there were actors who lost their lives (during the filming process).

I know it’s silly to think that! But, that’s what I thought for quite some time!

I no longer watch horror movies anymore (I barely watch movies at all, and only some television)!

I think so much time spent watching strange movies and tv shows when I was younger, had a definite impact on me.

At least, that’s what it felt like in retrospect!

I know I was (and probably still am) impressionable!

So, “turning off the tube” is how I do business today.

Do you watch a lot of movies and tv shows? Was there ever been a period of time where you did? What are your favorite genres?

What Are You Good At?

I am unusual for someone who deals with schizophrenia, in that in many instances, I am good with people.

It hasn’t always been this way, and things were a lot tougher, when I had next to no awareness that the way I dealt with people was a strength.

In the past, I’d attract all sorts of people, and many of them, I didn’t want as friends.

People were drawn to me, and what I often thought was, “hey, I made a friend!”

After years of working to be more assertive and create boundaries, I can now safely say, that I am no longer a pushover.

It continues to remain difficult, however, to maintain relationships due to the volatile environment of today’s society, and also due to my having trouble communicating (even though it is oftentimes a strength).

I don’t know if that all made sense, but my issues with communication have everything to do with my mental illness.

And with that, please tell me more about what you’re good at.