Earlier today, I wrote about possibly having treatment resistant schizoaffective disorder.
I already have schizoaffective disorder, but things seem to have taken a turn for the worse.
What’s getting at me a lot right now is a belief that I’ve held that I am doing “so well,” in spite of being severely mentally ill.
I feel my transparency is causing me mental anguish, in that I am educated, well-spoken, and a fucking delight most days!
And, this causes me problems believe it or not! 🙂
I’d likely do better to get out of my head more.
The only problem with that is that I don’t have enough close family history to try clozapine, which those with a psych background will understand.
With clozapine, you need to not die basically, which of course, is a good thing.
You’re monitored a LOT when you take clozapine!
And, since I don’t know my close family history well enough to say that my father who died suddenly (when he was fairly young), didn’t have a cardiac arrest while passing, I am scared.
I guess the next time my doctor and I meet up, we will weigh the pros and cons of being on the medication.
I really don’t want to die at 47.
Abilify has given me just enough get up and go to not feel totally stuck!
And now, that could all be changing, along with the potentiality of dropping dead.
I hope your life is going better.
This is not drama. This is real life and real pain.
And, while I’ll get through this stage of my life eventually… things are not the greatest right now.
Tell me something that’s going well for you if you will.