My Frustration With Not Having Enough Energy

My not having enough energy to do basic tasks is difficult for me.

There was a time when I had energy, but that time has passed.

It’s a lot to handle to be honest.

I have a lot of suicidal ideations, but have no plan to do anything about them.

I just endure. Endure. Endure.

That is life with chronic mental illness.

I also recognize that chronic illness in general is tough!

Thus, it’s difficult to know where to turn some days!

Lately, I’ve been putting my efforts into discovering new music.

Billie Eilish and Adele each have new music I am listening to!

I love female artists!

Just when will women rule the world?

I think they’re on their way! 🙂

How One Person With Mental Illness Does Self-Care

Confusion is a real thing for me (as mentioned in the previous post), but I do self-care primarily through suggestions/reminders/affirmations.

In fact, “Words of Affirmation” is my love language—for those who subscribe to that sort of thing.

I make recordings!

Anything about the stuff I want to reinforce in my life, within the scope of illness management and change.

I think the sort of thing I do with my recordings is rare and “quite different.”

So much so that many people often disregard it out of the gate!

But, if you’re the type of person bent on growth, you’ll give it some thought, before excusing it along with the person with mental illness, suggesting it!

(Actually, one’s mental health may or may not factor in to your decision to give this a try.)

My recordings are personal to me, and while I could share snippets, that defeats the purpose of you using your own creativity and imagination to get the job done!

What do I do with my recordings exactly?

I am being my own best friend, by talking to myself and recording my voice for playback.

And, that’s my present reminder/self-care strategy.

You’re reinforcing the pertinent things and even making an album of your thoughts.

They can go in the direction of anything that is positive, helpful, and soothing.

If you would talk to your friend in a way that compliments them or captures something special about who they are, you can do that through reminders and self-care affirmations, for yourself as well.

Things are okay today (one day at a time), and I owe that to my self-care suggestions/reminders/affirmations.

Have any of you ever tried recording your own voice, saying something positive or uplifting? I’m excited to know!

And, if you have made some recordings, what did you say to yourself? 🙂

To Be Human Is To Be Alive

I suppose there is some truth to this title, since deceased humans can’t really weigh-in. :/

What is your feeling about the other part of life (I.e. having a zest for life)?

With all the confusion I experience, there is little to no “zest for life.”

Rather, there is a desire (at this time) to be here, and some gratitude for being alive.

This can all change in a moment, if I were to have compounded medical problems.

My hope is that more medical issues wouldn’t change things, but they certainly could.

Thus, I do what I do each day, these days, to try and create an atmosphere, where I want to and am able to get some sort of nutrition and exercise (among other wants).

And, I do this by recording and playing back my very own affirmations, beliefs, quotes, sayings, and (ideal) experiences.

And, for the record, having made these recordings and playing them back, is a lot better than listening to anyone else definitively telling you what you should think! 🙂

By now, I am doing alright with creating simplistic background music too, which helps to keep me focused on the words I am speaking.

I get a bit of a thrill listening to my voice, telling me what I should think and feel—with options no less!

Options are important!

So yes, it helps to reinforce these things, and it takes a lot of time to figure many of them out!

As someone battling severe mental illness, I can only hope that I continue down this non-delusional path of personal growth, and in a way that helps rather than hurts.

Thanks for reading, and if you would, please share some things that you do ritualistically, that serve to help you with your days!

I Am Working On Another Booklet!

And, I plan to make this one into an MP3 audio (with some of my original background music) as well as a PDF.

The goal is to use it for myself when I need a pick me up, and if it helps others, then I know I’ve got a winner!

This one is going to incorporate some of the knowledge I’ve accumulated, since I was first hospitalized nearly 24 years ago.

The project will be of interest to some, but I am unsure at this time, as to when and how it will be shared.

Stay tuned!

One Might Think It Would Be Easier: My New Rules For Caffeine Consumption

Many times when I’m on the verge of discovering something i.e. having a breakthrough, I have this series of moments, whereby I think to myself, wow… I can see this or I can see that… and, I can feel how difficult it was to get here… but, why is it so difficult to begin with?

I am grateful to overcome challenges when I do, but each time I make strides, it is often followed up with… “yep… that could have been easier!”

And, it’s not easy… for anyone… but more difficult for the chronically mentally ill.

In my experience, in order for things to get easier, you have to plug into your self-awareness, and experiment, experiment, experiment.

It works, and that is one reason why I remain open minded (especially in the sense that we are all human beings, each of us trying to make and find our way, etc).

In case you are wondering, the epiphany I had today was that caffeine helps me, and that for me personally, I need to have it. And, a lot of it.

And so, I am drinking diet soda vs. regular soda, in an effort to keep my teeth from rotting out and my sugar intake to a minimum.

This may all sound weird, but I basically decided to make caffeine available to me most hours of the day.

Yes, I get anxious… but, anxiety is something I am generally willing to deal with, to (hopefully) feel more alive!

Will see if this is the ticket or not, to feeling “decent” for more than two days in a row, which I’ve never really been able to do (that I can recall).

So yes, I would appreciate feeling more alive/energetic, and believe that relying on caffeine is going to have to be the ticket to my getting there.

That said, what is your relationship with caffeine? And, what are your “rules” surrounding it?

This Is Treatment Resistant Schizoaffective Disorder I

I do not know where I’d be right now, if my depression wasn’t being medicated successfully. Also, my schizophrenia is NOT being medicated successfully.

Sometime in the past six months, give or take, I became quite worse on the main antipsychotic I am on.

I am not well.

You’ve heard this from me before, and the difference is, things are more dire than they were previously.

Right now, I am hallucinating pieces of conversations, and having severe delusions, oftentimes while in the process of talking to people.

This is schizoaffective disorder—the treatment resistant type.

For me, I am more aware in some ways than others who battle this illness, mainly because I am trying to “fix” the problem.

So, this affords me the opportunity to explain my issues in greater detail, right?

I suppose so, but what REALLY matters is that I get my medications straightened out.

I just want to get back to my version of “good” again!

Just gotta hold on!

The Gift And The Fight

I try and I try and I try… and, I do get some satisfaction in life. 🙂

It mainly comes from knowing that my life (and life in general) is a gift!

There is a lot of difficulty that comes with living, but I work hard personally to be able to participate in those little things that make me smile.

I shouldn’t be able to laugh and joke around, but it’s something that I must do if I want to enjoy the gift.

I think my life really started to make the most sense around the time I met my now wife.

I work very hard and put myself out there, and I found someone with whom I am compatible with.

It’s not easy, it’s never easy, but it’s worth the fight!

We all have to fight for ourselves and the things we deem important.

What are your currently fighting for?

What Are You Good At?

I am unusual for someone who deals with schizophrenia, in that in many instances, I am good with people.

It hasn’t always been this way, and things were a lot tougher, when I had next to no awareness that the way I dealt with people was a strength.

In the past, I’d attract all sorts of people, and many of them, I didn’t want as friends.

People were drawn to me, and what I often thought was, “hey, I made a friend!”

After years of working to be more assertive and create boundaries, I can now safely say, that I am no longer a pushover.

It continues to remain difficult, however, to maintain relationships due to the volatile environment of today’s society, and also due to my having trouble communicating (even though it is oftentimes a strength).

I don’t know if that all made sense, but my issues with communication have everything to do with my mental illness.

And with that, please tell me more about what you’re good at.

My Favorite Blogging Theme Has Been Retired

I got the message yesterday morning, but I didn’t see it until late evening. My favorite blogging theme is now retired.

So, I set out to find something with (hopefully) a bit more longevity.

I settled on Intergalactic, as I’ve seen it around for a few years.

Any how, I think my site looks nice on my phone!

I have yet to look at it on my computer, so I will see how it looks there soon.

It should be good though!

Thanks for reading and have a nice day/eve! 🙂

Why I Keep Getting Back In The Ring (So To Speak)

So, the “ring,” for me, is waking up every day and “trying” as best as I can to follow a checklist, which includes self-care items and a few chores.

More often than not, I do poorly.

I call it failure, because I can sometimes learn from it, which makes it a “fail.” For me.

If it were a “success,” I feel as though I would learn little.

That said, I am beginning to see that the latter is not always the case!

Also, while I’m at it…

It is one of the bravest and most difficult things a person can do, is battle a chronic illness!

And, when I have an hour or two of happiness in my day… I relish in that!

What makes me do it all over again tomorrow?

I have a mother whom I love, a wife whom I love and adore, my wife’s family who I am still getting to know – but that I also love and greatly appreciate… Oh, and a dog that’s pretty wonderful!

What makes you get back in the “ring” (so to speak)?