This Is Treatment Resistant Schizoaffective Disorder I

I do not know where I’d be right now, if my depression wasn’t being medicated successfully. Also, my schizophrenia is NOT being medicated successfully.

Sometime in the past six months, give or take, I became quite worse on the main antipsychotic I am on.

I am not well.

You’ve heard this from me before, and the difference is, things are more dire than they were previously.

Right now, I am hallucinating pieces of conversations, and having severe delusions, oftentimes while in the process of talking to people.

This is schizoaffective disorder—the treatment resistant type.

For me, I am more aware in some ways than others who battle this illness, mainly because I am trying to “fix” the problem.

So, this affords me the opportunity to explain my issues in greater detail, right?

I suppose so, but what REALLY matters is that I get my medications straightened out.

I just want to get back to my version of “good” again!

Just gotta hold on!

The Gift And The Fight

I try and I try and I try… and, I do get some satisfaction in life. 🙂

It mainly comes from knowing that my life (and life in general) is a gift!

There is a lot of difficulty that comes with living, but I work hard personally to be able to participate in those little things that make me smile.

I shouldn’t be able to laugh and joke around, but it’s something that I must do if I want to enjoy the gift.

I think my life really started to make the most sense around the time I met my now wife.

I work very hard and put myself out there, and I found someone with whom I am compatible with.

It’s not easy, it’s never easy, but it’s worth the fight!

We all have to fight for ourselves and the things we deem important.

What are your currently fighting for?

What Are You Good At?

I am unusual for someone who deals with schizophrenia, in that in many instances, I am good with people.

It hasn’t always been this way, and things were a lot tougher, when I had next to no awareness that the way I dealt with people was a strength.

In the past, I’d attract all sorts of people, and many of them, I didn’t want as friends.

People were drawn to me, and what I often thought was, “hey, I made a friend!”

After years of working to be more assertive and create boundaries, I can now safely say, that I am no longer a pushover.

It continues to remain difficult, however, to maintain relationships due to the volatile environment of today’s society, and also due to my having trouble communicating (even though it is oftentimes a strength).

I don’t know if that all made sense, but my issues with communication have everything to do with my mental illness.

And with that, please tell me more about what you’re good at.

My Favorite Blogging Theme Has Been Retired

I got the message yesterday morning, but I didn’t see it until late evening. My favorite blogging theme is now retired.

So, I set out to find something with (hopefully) a bit more longevity.

I settled on Intergalactic, as I’ve seen it around for a few years.

Any how, I think my site looks nice on my phone!

I have yet to look at it on my computer, so I will see how it looks there soon.

It should be good though!

Thanks for reading and have a nice day/eve! 🙂

Why I Keep Getting Back In The Ring (So To Speak)

So, the “ring,” for me, is waking up every day and “trying” as best as I can to follow a checklist, which includes self-care items and a few chores.

More often than not, I do poorly.

I call it failure, because I can sometimes learn from it, which makes it a “fail.” For me.

If it were a “success,” I feel as though I would learn little.

That said, I am beginning to see that the latter is not always the case!

Also, while I’m at it…

It is one of the bravest and most difficult things a person can do, is battle a chronic illness!

And, when I have an hour or two of happiness in my day… I relish in that!

What makes me do it all over again tomorrow?

I have a mother whom I love, a wife whom I love and adore, my wife’s family who I am still getting to know – but that I also love and greatly appreciate… Oh, and a dog that’s pretty wonderful!

What makes you get back in the “ring” (so to speak)?

I Started Out An Empath And Ended Up Empathic

The difference is I’ve hardened up a bit!

By having poor boundaries (not knowing better early on), I was highly susceptible to being taken advantage of!

And, I was… several times…

Today, though… after many run-ins with toxic people and a few narcissists, I now know better!

That’s not a challenge, blogosphere… it’s just a statement that I am learning, along the way in life, which is the way life’s supposed to work! 🙂

How Personal Development Has Been “Forced” On Me

NOTE: When I say “forced,” I mean that I elected this path of personal development, which has much to do with how I process the world around me.

Personal development has been something I’ve been doing for 25 years, with varying degrees of success!

What I am beginning to figure out is that much of my progress is not only “slow,” but the process (for me) serves as more “motivational” than anything else.

Since I’ve learned that motivation doesn’t last… a lot of what I am hearing from listening to personal development audios, is not really helping!

Again, I get the benefit of being motivated… for a little while… maybe a day at most…

And, these are my observations!

Now, how has personal development been “forced” on me?

From my earliest days of getting doused with motivation (at 20/21), things were not “right” with me!

I didn’t know it at the time… but, for much of my life up until and after this period of personal development dousing, I was highly anxious!

My entire life, in fact (and in retrospect), I had a lot of anxiety… A lot!

I can remember being questioned about my life “privately” in elementary school, by social workers.

They asked me questions about my home life, and accepted the answers I gave them. At face value even!

If I were a school social worker, and I was questioning kids about their home life… I’d probably have done my homework prior to speaking to them!

Anyhow, I know about budget constraints and about kids falling through the cracks… plus, this was in the early 80’s!

In other words, I was likely doomed from the get-go…

So, personal development was my earliest “go-to” for anything I needed to understand (and, “explain” this mad life to me)!

What are some important ways in which you’ve grown, through having mental illness?

When And How To Be Vulnerable

1. First and foremost, being (or not being) vulnerable is a boundaries issue!

2. You can choose to be vulnerable with people who have (and are) proving themselves, worthy of this intimate form of sharing.

3. There is an exception for some in their sharing: When you are wanting to be anonymous (like on the blogosphere, where some individuals prefer anonymity).

4. Be vulnerable systematically and reciprocally! Again, only with those who have and are proving themselves to be worthy of intimate sharing.

Thanks for reading!

The above list was compiled, based on my experiences.

Perhaps you have similar experiences in this realm that you wish to share? If so, what are they?

I Took A Long, Hard Look At Yesterday’s Post (And, The Responses I Got)

As I was re-reading the post (several times), I caught onto what my reader’s were saying…

I didn’t realize that I was coming off as so “discouraging…” and, I want to apologize!

Especially as I’ve personally had a notable improvement with one of my symptoms in the last short while…

For us, the word “Can’t” is an unfair one to utter (to say the least)!!!

And, I wanted to bring attention, to the fact that I am better today at managing one very troubling aspect of my psychosis.

I have two posts in cue, where I’ve written about this improvement I’ve personally experienced!

I used to “connect the dots” a lot over the past few decades, and recently realized that I’ve been doing less of that – which is amazing!

Once again, I am sorry for the tone I took yesterday…

Thanks to my readers, for taking me to task (so to speak) with my language… that helps me to grow!

31 Things That Have Either Helped Me Or That Have Not

Helpful:

Community.

Boundaries.

Suffering.

The push-pull of perfectionism.

To always make the effort!

Being polite and conversational.

Being industrious.

Learning to better trust myself amid schizoaffective disorder.

Learning to “adjust” over time.

Being organized in most ways.

Listening to music.

Having a variety of hobbies.

Giving back via this blog.

Having a healthy, primary relationship.

Making good food choices.

Exercise.

True self-care.

Being vulnerable with trustworthy people.

Having an open mind.

8 hours of nightly, restful sleep.

Character development / Personal development.

Medication.

Journaling.

Facing my fears.

Not Helpful:

Overthinking… The cause of more than a few of my ails. “Just stop it!” is good advice for those who think too much. If only it were that easy!

Graphic TV and movies… TV and movies in general, have not been the most helpful for me. I have a difficult time sitting through movies, but watching a TV program is doable.

Relationships that are one sided… To be healthy, relationships need time to grow. They are two people giving of each other selflessly and healthily. Generosity on both sides, has been a foundational component in many of my relationships as well.

Therapy… Maybe it’s just me, but everyone seems to have an agenda! For me, my agenda is clear. I want to articulate all the things that I go through, and that have helped me to manage schizoaffective disorder.

My symptoms (to include worry)… My mind is oftentimes unsettled. And, my symptoms are difficult to deal with and do not go away!

My medication side effects… Medication is important, but it does have quite a few side effects, that exacerbate my being regimented or performing activities in a consistent fashion.

Arrogant, self-centered, toxic people… Although, they have provided me with a greater understanding of life and people in general.

What can you relate to on this list? And, if this were your list, what might you personally add to it?