Reflecting On My Goals (A Poem)

The hardest thing is wrestling with my thoughts.
The second hardest thing is dealing with my personal hygiene.
The third hardest thing is trying to stay awake.

It’s all very difficult to face, but these are my hierarchy of troubles.
And, I don’t have time to wait until things improve with age.
I have to start making things happen today.

For at some point, my teeth will rot out of my mouth.
And, my partner won’t want to come near me.

I must work on the difficult personal hygiene issues I face, now. And, every day moving forward.
This is what is right and this is what is necessary.

Because I haven’t been able to overcome my troubling thoughts (at least not at my present age), and I won’t all of a sudden not be tired.
But, I can have decent personal hygiene today.
And, I will do my best to do so starting now.

Happiness (A Poem)

How do I achieve happiness?

I’ve been working hard at identifying my perfectionistic tendencies.

I’ve learned that I have quite a few of them.

I engage in a lifestyle that makes me think happiness is synonymous with perfection.

It may take time before things get better.

Thoughts On ‘Trying’

First off, I am a pessimist, for now and likely forever. And, I’ve gotten here from educating myself on things and seeing how the world works. Especially things in the United States.

So, for me, getting organized in different places on my phone, online, and at home, has made a big difference!


Perhaps the most important thing to curtail my confusion though, has been this attitude, that, “it will get better if I just hang in there.”


Well, I’ve been hanging in there for quite some time (20+ years)! And, I am happy to say, that today, I challenge most everything!


If something doesn’t sit right with me, I question it! And, this has helped me while on the path of self-development…


So, self-development for a moment…


It has negative connotations, but again (for me), it just means I will try in spite of everything! In spite of every crummy, crappy, shitty, and difficult thing I go through (and there are many), I will try!


It is my hope that for those struggling, that you know A) I am barely holding on myself; but that B) I keep doing what I can to have a better life!


I see it like this… for years, I’ve been spinning my wheels, but I’m still alive! And, it takes me infinitely longer to do many things that some people can complete in an hour or two. And, I accept all of this!


However, I have a hope, that we can all get there. One day at a time… not necessarily to a place that doesn’t exist, but rather, to a place of greater understanding!

How have you reconciled change in your life? What have you done to make things better? What kinds of changes have you made that stand out for you?

A Bit About The Spoon Theory (And How I’m Practicing It)

Not long ago, I shared a generic daily checklist with you, here on my blog.

It was something I put a great amount of effort into, but at the end of the day, it held too many options.

Sure, it was nice seeing all of the daily possibilities in one place, but I have nowhere near the energy it takes to fill up that checklist!

So, I started looking more into the Spoon Theory, that Ashley from Mental Health @ Home has shared with all of us.

Turns out, not only was I basically reinventing the wheel with my daily checklist, I was being ineffective in getting the most important things done!

The Spoon Theory isolates those things that are most important and gives them a ranking system, allowing for you to choose where you spend your energy, day in and day out.

It just keeps things simple, which I like very much.

The originator of the Spoon Theory created it for herself some time ago, to share with friends and family, how she deals with lupus.

She once said, that the Spoon Theory is for anyone battling an illness, and severe mental illness would definitely fit into that category.

In the spirit of sharing more of my day to day with my readers, I am including a snapshot of my spoons.

Thus, I hope others can find inspiration on the Spoon Theory. And, a quick google search regarding Spoon Theory will tell you all you need to know to get started.

For reference purposes, I have been trying to allot myself 15 spoons every day. And, many days I work with that or a little bit less.

I am interested to know. Who all out there is practicing the Spoon Theory (or any variation of such)? And, what have you found is a good number of spoons to deal with, for your situation?

I Am Struck (A Poem)

I am struck.
I am struck by my feelings that life is difficult.
So very difficult!

And, what if you DON’T have a chronic illness?
How is life then?

Oh, I just want to be well!
The way I feel just sucks…

I only see managing.
Management of a mental illness.

So yes, I am forced to deal!
I am forced to accept…
And, the like.

I think I’ll just sleep!
Sleep makes everything a little better.

Life Before Medication (A Poem)

The person I was before medication, is lost.
I am no longer “hanging out” like I once did.
And, when I look around at examples of people I know
who do not take meds,
I think that I am better off today.

Surely, there are those individuals who
won’t come around to my way of thinking
And, I understand that.
But, I can’t help my time-to-time thinking of the old me.
I miss that man.

Medication For The Fight (A Poem)

2021 has taught me
That some people with mental illness
Function fairly well on medication
I am “kind of” one of them, but not really

I am goal-directed
But, I am also struggling every day
The meds do help me to be hospital-free
They also assist me with certain thoughts

So, I do all I can with the resources I have
It’s one day at a time
And, while I may never beat schizophrenia
My symptoms could one day improve

Birds Of A Feather Flock Together

Many of my friends have mental illness, but not all mental illness is created equal!

And, how/why do I have so many friends?

Before I became full-blown ill, I maintained some connections with people, that stood by me.

And over time, is how I learned that some of these friends have some form of mental illness, and can go for periods of time when the extent of their suffering is hidden.

And, some friends’ suffering never gets mentioned. Ever.

So, behind all of this is the “spectrum” of mental illness, some of which debilitates.

At the risk of saying Dale isn’t all that bad, I will defer you to what Dale deals with.

Dale thinks he has bipolar disorder, and I am his only friend.

(I know, never self-diagnose.)

Of course, Dale doesn’t take meds, but he does work at a job, and is responsible with his money. He also tends to quit his jobs every time the throes of his “bipolar disorder” are in full-effect.

Mark deals with whatever troubles he has, and has been able to maintain employment throughout. Mark has never been diagnosed with anything to my knowledge either.

He does have a close relative with schizophrenia though, and he and I’s friendship is often strained because of one thing or another. And since I am not a doctor, I can’t tell you why that is.

Not all of my friends have mental illness, and some of them are only seasonally depressed.

The idea of my companions in life being depressed gets discussed privately (among a few of us), but again, there are those who don’t ever discuss having troubles.

As I am an open person (at times, too open), I do talk about what I experience mental health-wise.

But, the reason for this post is mainly my friend, Dale.

As I mentioned, I am his only friend and he is not being treated for his “bipolar disorder.”

And, it took me the better part of 25 years to see that he and I are a lot alike!

What I, being fairly educated in mental health, failed to properly see, are some of our similarities, revealed in different ways.

So, Dale confided in me and said, “I have manic depression.”

But, was it the first time he said this?

I can be pretty self-involved, and quite frankly, hard on some of my friends.

And, that is a tough pill for me to swallow, as I admit that here with you.

So, Dale and I were just chatting and having fun, when he shared this information with me.

Does it matter, though, when I treat Dale like I want to be treated?

I don’t think so ultimately.

And, does having mental illness mean that we are all the same fundamentally?

Not really. As I’ve said here today, mental health is a “spectrum,” and this spectrum varies widely.

Dale maintains a job with only one friend and has virtually no socialization.

Thus, what I want to do more than anything is honor Dale’s character. Because, to me, that counts more than how someone’s brain is working (or not working).

The two of us are good friends because we have things in common (aside from having mental health troubles), and I treasure those things and Dale.

Do you have in-person friends who struggle with their mental health? What are your thoughts about mental health and these friends?