They help, but they also stunt.
And, no one does more harm to me than what my illness does to me.
That being said, I know I need what the antipsychotic meds afford me.
I wish for more middle ground though.
I wish for more healing.
I wish for something other than what my life experience brings.
If I had the ability to pick up the pieces without harming myself any further,
That’s what I would do.
But, that isn’t going to happen.
And, that’s largely because of the antipsychotics and my illness.
So, I’m defeated now and ever since my life began.
Defeated on the one hand.
Triumphant on the other (or so I’m told).
I choose to listen to music that helps my situation.
I have hobbies that help me to have a better life.
I have constant thoughts of death.
I am tired, but I will try again tomorrow.
Today and every day, I am loved.
I am struck.
I am struck by my feelings that life is difficult.
So very difficult!
And, what if you DON’T have a chronic illness?
How is life then?
Oh, I just want to be well!
The way I feel just sucks…
I only see managing.
Management of a mental illness.
So yes, I am forced to deal!
I am forced to accept…
And, the like.
I think I’ll just sleep!
Sleep makes everything a little better.
The person I was before medication, is lost.
I am no longer “hanging out” like I once did.
And, when I look around at examples of people I know
who do not take meds,
I think that I am better off today.
Surely, there are those individuals who
won’t come around to my way of thinking
And, I understand that.
But, I can’t help my time-to-time thinking of the old me.
I miss that man.
2021 has taught me
That some people with mental illness
Function fairly well on medication
I am “kind of” one of them, but not really
I am goal-directed
But, I am also struggling every day
The meds do help me to be hospital-free
They also assist me with certain thoughts
So, I do all I can with the resources I have
It’s one day at a time
And, while I may never beat schizophrenia
My symptoms could one day improve
I wanted to be on less medication.
And, I tried doing so for 5 weeks.
Is 5 weeks long enough to know?
It was for me.
And, some day, I will try scaling back again.
It is here,
The last day/night,
For a long time,
I can and will be triumphant!
And, is it just me, but no matter how difficult things are,
I know that life is a gift!
A blessing from somewhere or nowhere!
In any event, I’ll do my best to succeed,
At whatever “I” am able to succeed at!
I once saw a way.
I felt a path.
I knew of a potentiality.
It was a different sort of route.
One that made me see!
I couldn’t imagine life any other way!
I will share my thoughts.
My feelings are accessible.
I am ready to go there with you!
Too bad it took me so long!
Never mind that though.
Together, we will set each other free!
Every day is a new opportunity!
For you and for everyone involved.
For me, it matters that I try.
But, even trying will only get me so far!
I easily become tired.
I have very little energy to do things.
I guess this is my life!
This is the prize I’ve won!
I’m the winner of a great life now!
And, I’ll let you in on a little secret.
It doesn’t get any better than this.
Whatever your personal THIS is!
That’s as good as it gets.
I must weather the storm.
Today and every day.
But, I will get through.
And, it will happen again.
I sometimes wonder why.
I am not one for self-pity.
But, I do feel a lot of anxiety right now!
I know I am not alone, yet there are moments in my mental illness experience, that are difficult to discuss!
Call it a real low-low.
That and I’ll get through!