2021 has taught me
That some people with mental illness
Function fairly well on medication
I am “kind of” one of them, but not really
I am goal-directed
But, I am also struggling every day
The meds do help me to be hospital-free
They also assist me with certain thoughts
So, I do all I can with the resources I have
It’s one day at a time
And, while I may never beat schizophrenia
My symptoms could one day improve
I wanted to be on less medication.
And, I tried doing so for 5 weeks.
Is 5 weeks long enough to know?
It was for me.
And, some day, I will try scaling back again.
It is here,
The last day/night,
For a long time,
Maybe forever.
I can and will be triumphant!
And, is it just me, but no matter how difficult things are,
I know that life is a gift!
A blessing from somewhere or nowhere!
Who knows?
In any event, I’ll do my best to succeed,
At whatever “I” am able to succeed at!
I once saw a way.
I felt a path.
I knew of a potentiality.
For me.
It was a different sort of route.
One that made me see!
I couldn’t imagine life any other way!
I will share my thoughts.
My feelings are accessible.
I am ready to go there with you!
Too bad it took me so long!
Never mind that though.
Together, we will set each other free!
Every day is a new opportunity!
For you and for everyone involved.
For me, it matters that I try.
But, even trying will only get me so far!
I easily become tired.
I have very little energy to do things.
I guess this is my life!
This is the prize I’ve won!
Wonderful, right?
I’m the winner of a great life now!
And, I’ll let you in on a little secret.
It doesn’t get any better than this.
Whatever your personal THIS is!
That’s as good as it gets.
I must weather the storm.
Today and every day.
But, I will get through.
And, it will happen again.
I sometimes wonder why.
I am not one for self-pity.
But, I do feel a lot of anxiety right now!
I know I am not alone, yet there are moments in my mental illness experience, that are difficult to discuss!
Call it a real low-low.
That and I’ll get through!
I don’t want to justify… nope.
And, I don’t want to bullshit.
Myself or you!
I want to be straight with us both!
Always.
That’s why I get intimate.
Transparent even.
Sometimes breaking boundaries.
Sometimes holding fast to them.
l continue to work on things!
You continue to work on things!
Maybe one day it’ll all go away.
Maybe it won’t.
This is where I am at.
I want to have a better quality of life, while alive.
How do I do that?
“Do the work and still die,” is the best I have come up with.
And, this is quite my reality. It’s quite a lot of other people’s reality too!
It takes everything I have, just to recognize the patterns and behaviors that are painful, and that may be holding me back.
And, change?
That is an animal!
What I’ve come to recognize, is that I fight for a few hours of decent functioning every day!
A few “good” hours is all I get.
My mind deceives me, and it has no trouble showing me, just how bad off I currently am!
The energy it requires just to “breathe” amid a chronic illness, is a whole lot more than what “regular” people require.
I am not stuck, I am cursed.
I am cursed with bad genes. I am cursed with a bad life experience.
But, most of what I try is a band-aid. At best!
So, when I die, there will be no more suffering!
And, from day to day, a few “good” hours is all I get.
A light.
At the end of this tunnel.
Freedom.
Within my reach.
Spreading good vibes.
Everywhere.
A life worth so much more than this!
How will I make it?
My destiny!
My chosen path!
I go at this somewhat alone.
Maintaining a sense of calm.
With a life.
That is dull but not empty.
With a life.
That is broken but not lost.
Preceded by a sense of happiness.
Which nobody can deny!
Faith is available!
When you are open to it (or seek it).
Unfortunately, faith is muddied!
For me, faith is not what mainstream people say it is.
It is highly personal and tailored to my own steadfast interpretation!
Few churches could ever get that right!
Especially when politics are infused with mainstream!
I grow by my own persistence.
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