How I Overcame Agnosia To Become “Mostly” Aware Today

In the world of brick and mortar business, it’s “Location. Location. Location.”

It’s not much different with severe mental illness, in particular, schizophrenia, except that it’s “Education. Education. Education.”

I am one of those geeks, that cares about my well-being, and who wants to be the best I can be.

That being said, I go through periods of time (i.e. years), that I don’t have the ability to work through my core symptoms.

Maybe I’m under/over medicated, maybe it’s the side effects, maybe it’s because I’m treatment resistant, or maybe it’s a combination of all the above!

Whatever your individual situation, your doctor and you know “you” best. So, I highly recommend seeking out (or continuing to seek out) opportunities to learn more about your condition with your doctor.

Wanting to be educated is generally how I have been for much of my adult life, and having mental illness hasn’t changed that.

If anything, for me, being ill makes me want to learn that much more. To again… be the best I can be!

Aside from blogging (and, all that that entails), what sorts of opportunities have you found yourself getting involved with, in order to raise your awareness of various aspects of your condition?

This Is Treatment Resistant Schizoaffective Disorder I

I do not know where I’d be right now, if my depression wasn’t being medicated successfully. Also, my schizophrenia is NOT being medicated successfully.

Sometime in the past six months, give or take, I became quite worse on the main antipsychotic I am on.

I am not well.

You’ve heard this from me before, and the difference is, things are more dire than they were previously.

Right now, I am hallucinating pieces of conversations, and having severe delusions, oftentimes while in the process of talking to people.

This is schizoaffective disorder—the treatment resistant type.

For me, I am more aware in some ways than others who battle this illness, mainly because I am trying to “fix” the problem.

So, this affords me the opportunity to explain my issues in greater detail, right?

I suppose so, but what REALLY matters is that I get my medications straightened out.

I just want to get back to my version of “good” again!

Just gotta hold on!

How Do You Maintain Connection When You Have Mental Illness?

For me, I wasn’t able to maintain many relationships for the first several years of my illness.

And then, with time, I slowly began to “try.”

It is difficult having schizoaffective disorder without a doubt, and I am in my 24th year since my first psychotic break!

What that means is that I’ve had time to “figure” some things out, which has much to do with my engaging with my doctors.

But, every day (and I mean every day), I am symptomatic!

I am hoping to get on a medication that will augment my current regimen.

Will that happen?

I don’t know.

I may ultimately have to go to something stronger.

What I’ve learned is that I’m going to have good days and bad days.

But, as always, I try… and, take things one day at a time.

Have you learned to slow down to the point that you are now taking your fight with mental illness, one day at a time? What did that look like for you? How did you get to the one day at a time mentality?

The Prospect Of Taking Clozapine

Earlier today, I wrote about possibly having treatment resistant schizoaffective disorder.

I already have schizoaffective disorder, but things seem to have taken a turn for the worse.

What’s getting at me a lot right now is a belief that I’ve held that I am doing “so well,” in spite of being severely mentally ill.

I feel my transparency is causing me mental anguish, in that I am educated, well-spoken, and a fucking delight most days!

And, this causes me problems believe it or not! 🙂

I’d likely do better to get out of my head more.

The only problem with that is that I don’t have enough close family history to try clozapine, which those with a psych background will understand.

With clozapine, you need to not die basically, which of course, is a good thing.

You’re monitored a LOT when you take clozapine!

And, since I don’t know my close family history well enough to say that my father who died suddenly (when he was fairly young), didn’t have a cardiac arrest while passing, I am scared.

I guess the next time my doctor and I meet up, we will weigh the pros and cons of being on the medication.

I really don’t want to die at 47.

Abilify has given me just enough get up and go to not feel totally stuck!

And now, that could all be changing, along with the potentiality of dropping dead.

I hope your life is going better. :/

This is not drama. This is real life and real pain.

And, while I’ll get through this stage of my life eventually… things are not the greatest right now.

Tell me something that’s going well for you if you will.

My Favorite Blogging Theme Has Been Retired

I got the message yesterday morning, but I didn’t see it until late evening. My favorite blogging theme is now retired.

So, I set out to find something with (hopefully) a bit more longevity.

I settled on Intergalactic, as I’ve seen it around for a few years.

Any how, I think my site looks nice on my phone!

I have yet to look at it on my computer, so I will see how it looks there soon.

It should be good though!

Thanks for reading and have a nice day/eve! 🙂

The Medication Adjustment

What I strongly dislike about my situation:

I didn’t do anything to create it, I have to live with it, and it cannot be fixed!

Now, I am sure we all have things to bitch about… but, a mind that never heals? How does one remedy that?

It’s not the same as having a condition that gets better with time.

And, I am making progress. The so-called “getting better,” for me, takes a lot of self-effort. But, things are not anywhere near where I’d like them to be!

I know I just need to practice better patience.

Also, we all work pretty hard, don’t we?

I am going through a medication adjustment right now, and I suppose that makes my bitching a lot more pronounced!

What being on the proper dose of medication does for me:

It keeps me progressing (even if I am taking baby steps) and keeps me out of the hospital!

What I do best:

Contain the “crazy.”

Why Having Mental Illness Constantly Feels Like Being In Survival Mode

This is something that I started thinking about a few weeks ago.

Mental illness and the struggle that often accompanies it = Survival mode.

And, that sucks!

So, in the same time frame, I asked myself what can I do, to not feel like I’m barely getting by most days?

And, one of my suggestions was to reevaluate my medication regimen (and make any necessary changes), which I started doing a good month ago.

So, that is good!

Another suggestion was to lower my caffeine intake on a day to day basis.

And, that is proving to be quite difficult, but it’s a goal.

I do want to get there, where I’m sleeping well at night, and I’m drinking a lot less caffeine.

Thus, here’s to doing what I can to make that happen… and, for good!

Reliability And Symptom Reporting

I don’t know about you, but I am not always reliable with my accounts of things.

I do my best, to the point, that I think I know what I am saying… but, clearly all of us are wrong from time to time, and I’m no exception!

I am sure this happens with symptom reporting too!

Also, I am talking with my doctor more regarding my medication concerns, which is good.

As always, I start with “one day at a time,” and go from there…

How are you at reliability as it pertains to symptom reporting?

BTW Merry Christmas to those who celebrate it.

When And How To Be Vulnerable

1. First and foremost, being (or not being) vulnerable is a boundaries issue!

2. You can choose to be vulnerable with people who have (and are) proving themselves, worthy of this intimate form of sharing.

3. There is an exception for some in their sharing: When you are wanting to be anonymous (like on the blogosphere, where some individuals prefer anonymity).

4. Be vulnerable systematically and reciprocally! Again, only with those who have and are proving themselves to be worthy of intimate sharing.

Thanks for reading!

The above list was compiled, based on my experiences.

Perhaps you have similar experiences in this realm that you wish to share? If so, what are they?

Taking Care Of Your Mental Health: What Does It Mean?

Nathan from MBNB made a post recently, that got me thinking about taking care of my mental health, and what that looks like “in general.”

What exactly does it mean to take care of my mental health?

Well, for me, it has historically meant different things!

Yesterday, it equated to spending chunks of time with family and friends, as well as, taking my meds and attending appointments.

Today, it means spending the majority of my time with my wife, and making time for only a handful of friends, as well as, taking my meds and attending appointments.

It also means that today, I have better boundaries than I used to, which was a problem yesterday!

In-between, there is a constant struggle with my trying to be consistent.

And, you know what?

I’ve made some strides!

It’s just that there’s not a great deal of consistency with me or them…

So, philosophically speaking (and, in general)… I feel discouraged!

What behaviors are you inconsistent with, that you one day, hope to be more consistent with?