What I’ve Realized About Suicidal Ideation And My Medication

Sometimes—a lot of times—I am down.

I have suicidal thoughts—with no plan—never really a plan—Just intrusive ideations!

I know, because I went some time without medication (while in the trenches), that even though I am treatment resistant, the meds keep me alive!

I repeat… the meds keep me alive!

Life is not necessarily great (there are moments though), but I do what I can, when I can, to make the most out of my life!

Oftentimes, making the most out of my life involves quite a bit of self-care.

And, even then, things are tough—very difficult to share/describe even.

I wish that I didn’t require all that I do to stay alive, and that my bad thoughts would just go away—Forever!

But, that’s not happening—So, I’ll take my life for what it is—and, do my best to make myself proud.

How do you relate to what I’ve written here? Do you care to share?

Who Has The Most To Benefit From Lying?

I was reading about recovery in schizophrenia. And, quite honestly, there is a lot that doesn’t add up.

One site on the subject says that 25% of first episode psychotic break, go on to recover.

On the same site, they say that another 25% go on to almost completely recover after a first episode psychotic break.

I’m sorry, but I feel like someone is lying!

No one with severe mental illness works harder to be more functional than me, and I do it with meds, I do it with a schedule, and I do it lacking a great amount of energy.

I just don’t feel like an almost full recovery can be accomplished in the majority of cases after a first psychotic break.

And, for those who don’t know, the other 50% do not recover in any marked way, according to these types of sites.

So, I ask myself, who has the most to benefit from lying?

And, the answer is simple.

The organizations that promote wellness and recovery have more to gain from touting around bad statistics than the individuals doing their best, living with these diseases, day in and day out.

If you have severe mental illness, I don’t suggest handing in the towel or quitting, but I will caution those who will listen… it takes a lot of work to get where even I am, and I am far from being recovered.

I hope this post is received in the spirit it was intended.

Have a nice day/eve!

When You’re High Functioning, Your Problems Might Get Overlooked

I have schizoaffective disorder, and I am to a degree, high-functioning (whatever that means).

And, I can’t tell you how alone I feel with how I get along in the world today.

For years, family and friends have been all degrees of abusive towards me.

Granted, some of these individuals didn’t know they were being abusive, but I feel as though most of them did!

If you’re somehow jealous of someone with severe mental illness, you have you very own unique brand of stupid going on. And, I for one hope you get schooled.

But, the truth is, that you likely will not.

I have come to learn that there is not a whole lot of justice in the world today.

Some people believe in karma. I do not!

I will not waste a bit of my time, thinking that so and so will get theirs someday.

What’s the use?

If you were unaware of how bad you were being treated (as I was), when you woke up, how did you handle it?

Just Hold On: Thoughts About Support Systems

I am only beginning to come into my own again, where my support system is concerned.

The old system, meant that I had to endure a multitude of opinions about what matters or mattered (to my support people, rather than me), as the case was.

But, I can’t even begin to think of the old, old support system.

That was pretty much non-existent!

So, I think…

How would any of us get along without a support system intact?

I know, I didn’t. Not at all…

I just plain had breakdowns. And, they were awful!

So, always, always have yourself a support system… and, if it falls apart (like mine has these past several months), do your best to hold on!

The pieces may be coming together in a way that will only “help” you that much more!

Here is a link to the ways in which a support system helps.

With Love,


I Don’t Like To Look Back (Even Though I Do)

But, it “seems” that I was functioning better without any meds.

It’s difficult to wrap one’s brain around it, but I actually wasn’t doing all that well in those days—the days prior to my taking meds!

I was so close back then to having a break, that it was just a “perfect storm” of events, that kept that from happening.

I had a lot of “legal” fun for the two years before my second series of “breaks.”

Prior to the third year of attending classes, I had spent most of that summer in the psych hospital.

And, I was quite a mess before I graduated with my psych degree (of all degrees).

But, they say that a lot of people going into psych are trying to fix themselves, and that could have very well been the draw for me.

As I am someone who is into Personal Development, that theory makes the most sense, regardless of how “lost” I was.

In any event, those days are over!

And, even though I don’t like to look back, I invariably do!

You can read more about these and other stories in the book about my life, “Good Days and Bad Days: I Don’t Have To Like It, I Just Have To Live With It.”

ALL of my books are complimentary and are available upon request!

Please email your requests to chilloutmusicproducer (at) gmail (dot) com.

The Trade-Off Is Real: The Perils Of Pre-Illness To Full-Blown Illness

I recall feeling extremely different before the crux of my psychotic breaks.

I was a handsome young man, in school, on a mission.

I was working my way through university, and self-medicating (with alcohol) two to three times a week… wasn’t everyone?

Well, maybe not the self-medicating part. No.

But, life felt good to me! I was having fun and being ambitious.

That’s what I did. I had fun and was ambitious. Moreso back then than today. But, it’s all in there somewhere.

Life just flowed back then, and it felt better than what it feels like today, being medicated and full-blown ill.

To me, I’ve entered a trade-off agreement with life.

At the cost of everything I had and was before.

You know, I sometimes think.

While I didn’t forge many relationships in college, if some of the people who I casually knew were to pop into my life again, what would that be like?

It would be awkward. And, I sometimes have bad dreams about how awkward it would be.

The Three Keys To My Success With Mental Health

In no particular order, the first key to my success with mental health, was getting over my old self that thought I was the “baddest kid on the block,” and forging some close bonds.

After I realized I was no better than anyone else, and knowing that this belief had interestingly enough, had a hand in protecting me from a few “breaks,” things began to get better.

Also, many years later, I found someone to spend my life with.

The second key to my success with mental health was taking my meds. All of them (and as prescribed).

Each component I am writing about here has been so very important for my success with mental health, and this one is no exception.

The third key to my success with mental health was my establishing a belief in a higher power.

For me, this is Jesus and Christianity.

I don’t talk much about religion on this blog. I am just pointing out what has been helpful to me. Your mileage may vary.

I also want to note, that it took me almost two decades to fully gravitate back to any religion. Let alone the religion I was raised with.

With schizophrenia and psychosis in general, there are ample religious delusions/hallucinations during “breaks” and more acutely ill times.

(More on this in a future post.)

Note: None of the above three phenomena easily came to fruition.

They all followed a pattern of resistance. Resistance by me.

Resistance can be useful, but for me, I wanted to change!

And, while I still struggle every day, I am able to now “speak” about that struggle, hopefully helping others along the way, in their own personal journeys.

I Feel Very Alone Right Now

A lot of times I cannot sleep at night, so I get up.

Once awake, my mind goes to places I don’t want it to. Places I thought I had dealt with long ago.

I know this is relatable, because if I am doing these things, others are too!

Something in particular that is bothering me right now in a general sense, is that I came into this world alone, and I will go out of it alone as well.

What’s the use of this life? The purpose? The meaning behind everything?

I know. Some people are able to create meaning. And, that’s great!

But, no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I am here to be a beam of light to others, I sometimes will doubt it.

I doubt it, especially when I am awake in the middle of the night. This night. When I have things on my mind that are really bothering me.

What are they?

Well, for starters, I used to think I was really something.

I mean, what do you know in your 20’s?

I was a returning college student, who was careless in my approach to academics, to relationships, to everything I put my attention on.

And, that sucks!

It is the past, so I will just try and move on. Again.

I don’t think I hurt anyone all that bad, but what do I know?

Clearly, I was unstable. And, unstable people can create lots of problems for others.

Yes, one should consider the source. But, I am unsure as to whether a 21-year old college student has that ability.

Anyway, I am rambling.

At the end of the day, the thing I am troubled most by is my college graduation, where I was surrounded by three women who I had rejected romantically (one of whom I was there with).

That shouldn’t be a big deal, but the whole thing just seemed contrived! In other words, all of us were in one particular area after graduation, that felt more than coincidental.

No, I wasn’t a total jerk back then, but I didn’t really care who I might have hurt either.

If the truth be told, I didn’t feel much of anything during my years at university. I just wasn’t doing well.

I had had two psychotic breaks previously, and was determined to put them behind me.

But, I learned that that wasn’t going to happen. So, matters got worse and eventually I had more breaks, finally being diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder in my senior year.

And, there you have it! The truth about me and my relationships in my 20’s.