Why Accuracy In Mental Health Matters

I used to think (until very recently) that they caught my illness early.

After all, I had a psychiatrist once tell me they did.

But, what constitutes early?

My first break was in the Summer of 1998 and I began taking regular meds in the Fall of 2001.

To me, that is not early.

Maybe earlier than some, but certainly later than others.

In any event, I feel I went through a lot of needless suffering in that three year period.

And, a lot of it was my fault.

I was just so arrogant in those days, that I was difficult to reason with.

So, while that’s all in the past now, I no longer feel like I am doing as good as some others.

Maybe I am, but I am also learning to question a lot of what psychiatry tells me.

What about you? Are you the questioning type? What sorts of things do you need to inquire about, before you are satisfied with what you’ve been told?

Reflecting On My Goals (A Poem)

The hardest thing is wrestling with my thoughts.
The second hardest thing is dealing with my personal hygiene.
The third hardest thing is trying to stay awake.

It’s all very difficult to face, but these are my hierarchy of troubles.
And, I don’t have time to wait until things improve with age.
I have to start making things happen today.

For at some point, my teeth will rot out of my mouth.
And, my partner won’t want to come near me.

I must work on the difficult personal hygiene issues I face, now. And, every day moving forward.
This is what is right and this is what is necessary.

Because I haven’t been able to overcome my troubling thoughts (at least not at my present age), and I won’t all of a sudden not be tired.
But, I can have decent personal hygiene today.
And, I will do my best to do so starting now.

Doing One’s Best And Being Symptomatic

I used to believe I was doing my best by holding my thoughts captive.

And, now I believe this philosophical approach is not so good for me.

But, how do you change the very thing that made you who you are?

In terms of my personality, I’ve always been “deep.”

From adolescence to present day, I’ve always been a “thinker.”

But, now I’m tired of “thinking…”

I’m just tired of mental illness to be straight!

I’m bothered by some of my behaviors, which I’ve began viewing as symptoms of the illness (rather than my being witty, intelligent, or clever).

During the half dozen or so times I was inpatient, I can recall a range of these behaviors:

From not talking to talking, from being polite to being belligerent.

Simple, yet revealing (at least to me)!

This was and is my illness. And, it’s still the pattern I’m involved in today (although I’m not belligerent anymore).

I’d love to end this post by asking some witty, intelligent, or clever questions… but, my tolerance level for my own bullshit has pegged the V/U meter.

That, or as I’ve already said, I’m just tired!

The “Horrors” Of Pre-Psychosis

As a teenager, I watched horror movies.

I used to enjoy them. And, I think I thought parts of them were real!

As an adult, I confessed that in some of those movies, I actually believed there were actors who lost their lives (during the filming process).

I know it’s silly to think that! But, that’s what I thought for quite some time!

I no longer watch horror movies anymore (I barely watch movies at all, and only some television)!

I think so much time spent watching strange movies and tv shows when I was younger, had a definite impact on me.

At least, that’s what it felt like in retrospect!

I know I was (and probably still am) impressionable!

So, “turning off the tube” is how I do business today.

Do you watch a lot of movies and tv shows? Was there ever been a period of time where you did? What are your favorite genres?

Where Would You Be…?

Where do you suppose you would be, had you not become ill?

I think the question is interesting, because I really was heading downhill and quick like when I became full-blown ill.

What I know now is that had I been able to tolerate antipsychotics earlier on in the treatment process, I might be a bit better off.

While not complaining, I do take into account the experiences I would have likely missed out on, as I did manage to squeeze in a few things, that I probably wouldn’t have been able to, had I been on an antipsychotic regimen.

But, it may not be helpful to compare where I am today to where I was yesterday, except to note that I am much more stable than the times I “broke,” and as I’ve worked hard by “trying” for better experiences.

So yes, I am more stable today because I am taking all of my medication. And, I won’t mince words for that.

Do you ever think about the old you, and have some thoughts about that person?

You Are Who You Are

Recently, I was interacting with a post from a well known company on social media.

The post took a shot at persons with schizophrenia.

It was up for about 30 minutes (at the most), because I publicly called them out!

In that time, there were dozens of “shares,” plus a comment by someone who didn’t see anything “wrong” with the post, which had a laugh at persons living with schizophrenia.

It is ignorant and shitty for people to use schizophrenia in a way that demoralizes those who have the disease.

And, since many people who deal with schizophrenia (and other severe mental illnesses) are just “not in the right head space” to challenge these things properly, they often make it through unchecked!

Also, I read a post on the Mighty by someone who calls themselves a “schizophrenia entrepreneur!”

I am definitely not sure what that means, and I am quite certain that the author believes themselves to be doing well and on the recovery path.

Maybe the statement was just them being light-hearted about a serious subject, but people don’t generally name their mental illness in association with entrepreneurship, or do they?

Have you seen any examples anywhere lately, ranging from people dissing on mental illness to people who have mental illness doing their damndest to be well?

A Way (A Poem)

I once saw a way.
I felt a path.
I knew of a potentiality.
For me.
It was a different sort of route.
One that made me see!
I couldn’t imagine life any other way!
I will share my thoughts.
My feelings are accessible.
I am ready to go there with you!
Too bad it took me so long!
Never mind that though.
Together, we will set each other free!
Every day is a new opportunity!
For you and for everyone involved.

As Good As It Gets (A Poem)

For me, it matters that I try.
But, even trying will only get me so far!
I easily become tired.
I have very little energy to do things.
I guess this is my life!
This is the prize I’ve won!
Wonderful, right?
I’m the winner of a great life now!
And, I’ll let you in on a little secret.
It doesn’t get any better than this.
Whatever your personal THIS is!
That’s as good as it gets.

I Must Weather The Storm (A Poem)

I must weather the storm.
Today and every day.
But, I will get through.
And, it will happen again.
I sometimes wonder why.
I am not one for self-pity.
But, I do feel a lot of anxiety right now!
I know I am not alone, yet there are moments in my mental illness experience, that are difficult to discuss!
Call it a real low-low.
That and I’ll get through!