I Don’t Want To Justify, This Is Not My Bullshit (A Poem)

I don’t want to justify… nope.
And, I don’t want to bullshit.
Myself or you!
I want to be straight with us both!
That’s why I get intimate.
Transparent even.
Sometimes breaking boundaries.
Sometimes holding fast to them.
l continue to work on things!
You continue to work on things!
Maybe one day it’ll all go away.
Maybe it won’t.

A Few Good Hours (A Poem)

This is where I am at.
I want to have a better quality of life, while alive.
How do I do that?
“Do the work and still die,” is the best I have come up with.
And, this is quite my reality. It’s quite a lot of other people’s reality too!
It takes everything I have, just to recognize the patterns and behaviors that are painful, and that may be holding me back.
And, change?
That is an animal!
What I’ve come to recognize, is that I fight for a few hours of decent functioning every day!
A few “good” hours is all I get.
My mind deceives me, and it has no trouble showing me, just how bad off I currently am!
The energy it requires just to “breathe” amid a chronic illness, is a whole lot more than what “regular” people require.
I am not stuck, I am cursed.
I am cursed with bad genes. I am cursed with a bad life experience.
But, most of what I try is a band-aid. At best!
So, when I die, there will be no more suffering!
And, from day to day, a few “good” hours is all I get.

Nobody Can Deny (A Poem)

A light.
At the end of this tunnel.
Within my reach.
Spreading good vibes.
A life worth so much more than this!
How will I make it?
My destiny!
My chosen path!
I go at this somewhat alone.
Maintaining a sense of calm.
With a life.
That is dull but not empty.
With a life.
That is broken but not lost.
Preceded by a sense of happiness.
Which nobody can deny!

Try To Live (A Poem)

Something happened and now I am not living.
Not that I was living before. Well, I was. Sort of…
Which is what makes this hard!
As soon as medication was introduced into my life, everything changed.
And so, the long road to accepting a medication regimen began.
Today, I am accepting of my needs in this area!
But, did it have to come at the cost of whatever life I was involved with?
Apparently, it did. To at least some recognizable degree!
After all, I wasn’t carrying on like a successful person does!
There was what appeared to be progress, but I know different.
I was living a life that I was not prepared for!
I was stuck in a way of being that was not healthy or even sustainable!
My job today… Find some semblance of peace with my life in its entirety.
I will get there, if the past has taught me anything. I will!
But, I want to do more than try to live.

What Is Real And What Isn’t (A Poem)

I just don’t know.
I once heard that reality is “just an agreement.”
But, as a society, we don’t agree on much!
That’s why community is so damn important!
And, within a community, you find those people who help you to see…
These are the people you click with!
You have similarities and you have differences.
And, while I don’t always know what is real and what isn’t…
I am hopeful that you are as real as I am!
I don’t want to worry about pathological liars…
Is it easier to stay home with a chronic illness?
Yes, in some cases.
Because I know I am “unable.”
So, I do THIS!
I have symptoms that disrupt my life…
As I know many of you do!
We’ll get through a lot of these situations together!
Just to know none of us are alone is good!
It’s real good…
One day at a time!
Every time!

Most People Don’t Have A Problem With Mental Illness Until Someone With Mental Illness “Expresses Themselves” (A Poem)

How many of you can relate?

I’ve all but seen people back away when I express myself.

Namely on social media.

What are they thinking?

I was fine when I appeared normal, no doubt!

But now… Now when I’m ill… look out!

Does it ever get better? The illness? The scrutiny? Life?

For me (as someone who is medicated), I’d like to think a lot of my good days are now behind me.

Whats done is done.

Check out my poem book of all new poems!

Here Until I’m Gone: 40 Poems About Trauma, Illness, And The Inevitability Of Death” is complimentary and is available now!

How The Search For Truth Once Hurt Me, But No Longer Causes Me Emotional Pain

I seemed like the “normal” returning college student.

I was a bit on the nerdy side, I wanted to get my education, and I wanted to have fun!

Since I had Psychosis NOS, I tended to make some bad decisions regarding alcohol (primarily), which was really me self-medicating!

I drank one to three times a week, and did not have any psychiatric medication, nor a residing understanding that I wasn’t well!

Anyway, prior to my slipping back into psychosis, I said a lot of intelligent things in a variety of venues (after all, I studied Psychology and Philosophy).

I realize today, that my banter, which captured the attention of a lot of my family and some friends, was mainly psychobabble.

I learned this, through hearing stories of professors, lecturers, academic people in general, who held high achievements in academia.

So, this is all in retrospect, but my “going deeper” with my search for truth, has hurt me and has caused me a lot of emotional pain.

The hurt and pain has to do with my having endured a lot of Christian teachings, but also having been introduced to logic and reasoning as well!

Thus, in my case, a compromise was needed.

What I know…

Sometimes, I believe in a higher power and sometimes I don’t.

There is no proof of any god.

What I decided…

Since I am inclined to believe in my god, Jesus Christ, I do so, knowing that it may ultimately be untrue.

After all, I waver. Plus, there is no proof of any god, from Zeus to Jesus (and every god in-between).

I will avoid evangelicalism in my pursuit of “doing the right thing for me.”

So, again, my position is a compromise. And, I am satisfied operating from the belief that I will a) follow my religion’s teachings. But b) that I can never know whether any of them are actually true!

What are your conjectures regarding a god or the gods? How certain are you, that you are correct in your assertions?

Wrong, Selfish, And Neglectful (A Poem From “Here Until I’m Gone”)

Having kids and living life may be worth it,
Unless it’s as the title describes.
It’s terrible to think about their being neglect.
Not living?
Or, being put in a position of deep despair,
Of chronic illness?
Nothing can prepare the educated mind for a life of misery.
Nothing can make the person who just wants to live,
Do anything but!
It is profoundly sad!
And, life just drags on and on!
There is no legal remedy for my parent’s decision to procreate.
But, worse, there is no legal recourse for my parent’s neglect.

Check out my poem book of all new poems!

Here Until I’m Gone: 40 Poems About Trauma, Illness, And The Inevitability Of Death” is complimentary and is available now!