What I’ve Realized About Suicidal Ideation And My Medication

Sometimes—a lot of times—I am down.

I have suicidal thoughts—with no plan—never really a plan—Just intrusive ideations!

I know, because I went some time without medication (while in the trenches), that even though I am treatment resistant, the meds keep me alive!

I repeat… the meds keep me alive!

Life is not necessarily great (there are moments though), but I do what I can, when I can, to make the most out of my life!

Oftentimes, making the most out of my life involves quite a bit of self-care.

And, even then, things are tough—very difficult to share/describe even.

I wish that I didn’t require all that I do to stay alive, and that my bad thoughts would just go away—Forever!

But, that’s not happening—So, I’ll take my life for what it is—and, do my best to make myself proud.

How do you relate to what I’ve written here? Do you care to share?

This Is Treatment Resistant Schizoaffective Disorder II

It’s quite likely that the medications I am taking for my psychosis are providing me with some protection, but not a great amount.

Right now, I am anxious and I want to die, but I know that you only get one life.

Thus, taking it away, even though I am struggling immensely, seems like a bad idea.

What needs to happen is that I need to get on a good medication regimen.

One of my problems is that I already weigh 400 lbs., so any additional medication changes need to be carefully thought out.

I have been on my current antipsychotic medication for around 15 years, give or take.

So, I guess it’s just time to find something new.

None of this is easy. My brain worsening is what is happening, and I don’t take that very lightly.

I am just frantic.

This Is Treatment Resistant Schizoaffective Disorder I

I do not know where I’d be right now, if my depression wasn’t being medicated successfully. Also, my schizophrenia is NOT being medicated successfully.

Sometime in the past six months, give or take, I became quite worse on the main antipsychotic I am on.

I am not well.

You’ve heard this from me before, and the difference is, things are more dire than they were previously.

Right now, I am hallucinating pieces of conversations, and having severe delusions, oftentimes while in the process of talking to people.

This is schizoaffective disorder—the treatment resistant type.

For me, I am more aware in some ways than others who battle this illness, mainly because I am trying to “fix” the problem.

So, this affords me the opportunity to explain my issues in greater detail, right?

I suppose so, but what REALLY matters is that I get my medications straightened out.

I just want to get back to my version of “good” again!

Just gotta hold on!

I’m Struggling And Need A Kinder Routine, Some Relief

Gratefully, a new, supplemental antipsychotic medication is on the way!

Aside from that, I am stuck in my thoughts.

I try and find meaning into everything I think, and I no longer know how to relax very well.

Since I take my medications to ultimately avoid hospitalization, I am sometimes stuck with symptoms in a way that some other people might not be.

I’m not sure to tell you the truth.

I just know that no matter what, I do all I can to avoid the hospital.

There are drawbacks to my approach though, like for instance, my life, which is not going as well as I’d like it to be, is oftentimes in shambles. At least it has felt that way for quite awhile.

So, I will continue to take things a day at a time, as I try and restore some sanity with my meds and a kinder routine.

At the times you feel notably worse than others, what kinds of compassionate/routine-type things do you involve yourselves in?

Doing One’s Best And Being Symptomatic

I used to believe I was doing my best by holding my thoughts captive.

And, now I believe this philosophical approach is not so good for me.

But, how do you change the very thing that made you who you are?

In terms of my personality, I’ve always been “deep.”

From adolescence to present day, I’ve always been a “thinker.”

But, now I’m tired of “thinking…”

I’m just tired of mental illness to be straight!

I’m bothered by some of my behaviors, which I’ve began viewing as symptoms of the illness (rather than my being witty, intelligent, or clever).

During the half dozen or so times I was inpatient, I can recall a range of these behaviors:

From not talking to talking, from being polite to being belligerent.

Simple, yet revealing (at least to me)!

This was and is my illness. And, it’s still the pattern I’m involved in today (although I’m not belligerent anymore).

I’d love to end this post by asking some witty, intelligent, or clever questions… but, my tolerance level for my own bullshit has pegged the V/U meter.

That, or as I’ve already said, I’m just tired!

The Prospect Of Taking Clozapine

Earlier today, I wrote about possibly having treatment resistant schizoaffective disorder.

I already have schizoaffective disorder, but things seem to have taken a turn for the worse.

What’s getting at me a lot right now is a belief that I’ve held that I am doing “so well,” in spite of being severely mentally ill.

I feel my transparency is causing me mental anguish, in that I am educated, well-spoken, and a fucking delight most days!

And, this causes me problems believe it or not! 🙂

I’d likely do better to get out of my head more.

The only problem with that is that I don’t have enough close family history to try clozapine, which those with a psych background will understand.

With clozapine, you need to not die basically, which of course, is a good thing.

You’re monitored a LOT when you take clozapine!

And, since I don’t know my close family history well enough to say that my father who died suddenly (when he was fairly young), didn’t have a cardiac arrest while passing, I am scared.

I guess the next time my doctor and I meet up, we will weigh the pros and cons of being on the medication.

I really don’t want to die at 47.

Abilify has given me just enough get up and go to not feel totally stuck!

And now, that could all be changing, along with the potentiality of dropping dead.

I hope your life is going better. :/

This is not drama. This is real life and real pain.

And, while I’ll get through this stage of my life eventually… things are not the greatest right now.

Tell me something that’s going well for you if you will.

I Don’t Mind Being Wrong

In fact, I sometimes welcome it!

For me, it’s always been about the journey… about the search for truth!

This blog has done (and continues to do) wonders for me!

Early this morning, I got a call from my psychiatrist who I had recently seen.

He thinks right now, that I quite likely have treatment resistant schizoaffective disorder.

And, I don’t think he’s far off with that assertion.

As I’ve stated many times before, I enjoy working on myself!

And for today, I’ll leave things right there.

I hope everyone is well, and is getting through May alright!

Who Has The Most To Benefit From Lying?

I was reading about recovery in schizophrenia. And, quite honestly, there is a lot that doesn’t add up.

One site on the subject says that 25% of first episode psychotic break, go on to recover.

On the same site, they say that another 25% go on to almost completely recover after a first episode psychotic break.

I’m sorry, but I feel like someone is lying!

No one with severe mental illness works harder to be more functional than me, and I do it with meds, I do it with a schedule, and I do it lacking a great amount of energy.

I just don’t feel like an almost full recovery can be accomplished in the majority of cases after a first psychotic break.

And, for those who don’t know, the other 50% do not recover in any marked way, according to these types of sites.

So, I ask myself, who has the most to benefit from lying?

And, the answer is simple.

The organizations that promote wellness and recovery have more to gain from touting around bad statistics than the individuals doing their best, living with these diseases, day in and day out.

If you have severe mental illness, I don’t suggest handing in the towel or quitting, but I will caution those who will listen… it takes a lot of work to get where even I am, and I am far from being recovered.

I hope this post is received in the spirit it was intended.

Have a nice day/eve!

My Antipsychotic Reduction

I am going through a 1/3 strength reduction of my antipsychotic medication.

It’s been more of a challenge these past two months, and that is entirely due to the fact that I have less of this main medication in my system.

What it’s teaching me is that I have to learn new and better coping skills on lower dosages. And, that my worth is not tied to how much medication my system can tolerate.

My psychiatrist made it clear that within two months, I’d be recognizing the full change in effect.

And, now that two months have passed, my wife and I had a discussion about things, where we determined that I am going to have to go back to the old dose.

My symptoms (while I’ve been more aware of some of them), have caused me some issues. And, I think the issues are pronounced enough that I need the extra help.

I’ve tried med changes and reductions in the past, and it is pretty typical for me to have to reinstate old medications/old doses.

Oh well! I am grateful for my piping up and telling my doctor how I felt on the old regimen!

All I can do is try!

What are some of your medication failures and successes?

Living Day-To-Day With Severe And Chronic Mental Illness

I don’t think I’m too far off when I say, that there is a range of functioning capabilities among people who have schizophrenia.

And, that no matter the level of functioning, things do change (but not always in the best of ways).

We go from very bad to good (and, everywhere in between).

And, I am someone who has had this illness (schizoaffective disorder to be exact) for 20 years, and who has been able to learn over time, how to deal with it in the best manner (for me).

I am affected daily by my symptoms. And, I am reminded that, for some, they are able to “forge on through” despite being symptomatic.

I am able to do that to a degree, but certainly not always.

I have pushed myself (and, continue to push myself) to be able to do more than what I’ve traditionally been doing (since the time before my diagnosis).

And, what I’ve learned is that I may speak well/eloquently, but my functioning in terms of chores and responsibilities, is “not good!”

My functioning in terms of thwarting off the voices, escaping the delusions, and in keeping my anxiety and depression at bay are all “not good.”

I keep trying though! And, what I’ve found is that trying is something I’ll be doing for the rest of my life!

Things have never been great mind you! And, it steadily got to this point, in the three years (likely longer) leading up to my diagnosis.

So, I just make the best of my situation and don’t expect more than what I’ve learned I’m capable of!

How about you? What have you learned about your illnesses? What expectations have you set for them moving forward?