The Foundation For Happiness (A Poem)

I’ve found that there are no magic pills. No easy fixes.

It takes hard work to manage chronic mental illness.

I take psychiatric medications, because the science of taking them, is in my corner.

I’m all about the science – 80%!

The other 20% is where I make allowances for my own brand of spirituality!

Nothing is perfect with chronic mental illness.

There are dark times, false starts, fears, setbacks, emotional moments, and workarounds.

In a nutshell, taking my psychiatric medications is the foundation for what happiness means to me!

Happiness in the long-term.

Happiness in the moment.

Were You Ever Hospitalized And Feel You Didn’t Need To Be?

Many days, Ashley from mentalhealthathome.org, writes thought-provoking posts, and today was no exception.

The topic was on the presence and absence of violent thoughts in people with severe mental illness.

I found it fascinating to engage with others about what makes them (and me) think, what I call violent or “obtuse thoughts.”

The consensus was that these thoughts, when we have them, can be cathartic, and are NOT indicative of who we are as individuals.

In fact, no one can control their thoughts, which leads me to the point of THIS post.

As I think about the days when I needed admittance to inpatient (and it has been awhile since then), I am questioning just how bad was I?

Well, it would seem that I did have everything from racing thoughts, to psychotic thoughts, to suicidal ideations.

I even tried to leave a moving vehicle on a few occasions on the way to the hospital.

So, the point of my taking this trip down memory lane was in fact to see, were my loved ones correct, those times they took me to the ER?

And thankfully, I believe they were!

I also want to mention a statistic that has been proven over and again, that mentally ill people are no more violent than that of the general population.

That said, were you ever hospitalized and feel you didn’t need to be?

A Reflection On Time And Self-Effort, With Prescription Antipsychotics

Where do I begin?

Seriously.

I have been thinking a lot about how I was at different ages of my life, with and without prescription antipsychotics.

And, I am curious about some things.

First off, I do believe my regular regimen of prescription antipsychotics are helping.

Secondly, I wanted to ask myself, were they even necessary to begin with?

I took to taking antipsychotics within six months of having a firm diagnosis that requires them.

And, I was able to see that something indeed needed to be done. Then and now.

I don’t believe that what started all of this was anything but psychosis.

Thankfully, the doctors knew what they were doing with me.

And thankfully, I adhered (and continue to adhere) to their recommendations.

I am still going to feel slighted. I am going to feel cheated. I am going to be upset… all at different intervals.

For I did have a life, all those years ago. It had its problems. But, I was able to do significantly more things in those days, than I could ever do today.

Now, the flip side to this is that I am alive. I get to experience some life, whereas some people don’t get that opportunity, or that opportunity is taken away from them too soon.

So, the only thing I really need to do for myself, with this information, is to note that we are all going to die, but only some of us do get to live.

It’s not a perfect reminder, but Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody, all of a sudden makes sense.

Anyhow, if I had one wish, it would be to see the bulk of my symptoms go into remission.

I have gotten to experience bits and pieces of a good day though.

And, I’m not 100% where I’d like to be, and have to prepare myself, that I may never be.

But, neither will most people, independent of chronic illness even.

That said, I know my illness will continue to improve… if for no other reasons, than time and my very own self-effort.

The Double Edged Sword Of Antipsychotics (A Poem)

They help, but they also stunt.
And, no one does more harm to me than what my illness does to me.
That being said, I know I need what the antipsychotic meds afford me.
I wish for more middle ground though.
I wish for more healing.
I wish for something other than what my life experience brings.
If I had the ability to pick up the pieces without harming myself any further,
That’s what I would do.
But, that isn’t going to happen.
And, that’s largely because of the antipsychotics and my illness.
So, I’m defeated now and ever since my life began.
Defeated on the one hand.
Triumphant on the other (or so I’m told).

Hope With The Schizophrenia Disorders

I would like to streamline my life more.

I want to, but I can’t.

At least not now.

I try to make my life easier by napping when I need a rest, because that’s what feels good to me.

I know that’s not the advice that everyone here would give, but my symptoms become worse the harder I push myself.

I hate the position I am in.

I’d like to have a set schedule.

I’m at least trying to have a daily checklist.

I keep trying, because I want to be as good as I possibly can.

And, I am reminded that it’s the medications that aren’t all working, that make things way more difficult than what they need to be.

From what I hear… from what I’m told… there is hope with the schizophrenia disorders.

I believe that, and wish more progress for myself amidst this information.

How do you feel about getting along when the medication doesn’t quite work as it should? What kinds of standards have you set when your meds aren’t doing the job you’d like them to? What kinds of day to day standards have you set in general?

“Overcoming” Needs To Be Discussed More Frequently

There’s a lot of people who don’t feel what I feel day in and day out. Maybe 99.5% do not, according to the research.

And, it’s not like there’s a scale for schizophrenia!

Schizophrenia is an illness that you clearly have or you clearly don’t.

You either are (or have been symptomatic) or you’re not. You’ve had a psychotic episode or two or three etc., or you have not!

I guess I’m sharing this because I have come to meet people over the years who don’t deal with severe mental illness in the way that I do.

Oh well! Life definitely sucks more than I want it to!

Still, I choose to dwell on how much I’ve overcome along the way! That’s the only thing that gives me peace and/or satisfaction anymore.

I can’t do it all the time, but remembering my illness-related accomplishments does seem to help!

How about you? What kinds of things have you overcome while being ill?

Who Has The Most To Benefit From Lying?

I was reading about recovery in schizophrenia. And, quite honestly, there is a lot that doesn’t add up.

One site on the subject says that 25% of first episode psychotic break, go on to recover.

On the same site, they say that another 25% go on to almost completely recover after a first episode psychotic break.

I’m sorry, but I feel like someone is lying!

No one with severe mental illness works harder to be more functional than me, and I do it with meds, I do it with a schedule, and I do it lacking a great amount of energy.

I just don’t feel like an almost full recovery can be accomplished in the majority of cases after a first psychotic break.

And, for those who don’t know, the other 50% do not recover in any marked way, according to these types of sites.

So, I ask myself, who has the most to benefit from lying?

And, the answer is simple.

The organizations that promote wellness and recovery have more to gain from touting around bad statistics than the individuals doing their best, living with these diseases, day in and day out.

If you have severe mental illness, I don’t suggest handing in the towel or quitting, but I will caution those who will listen… it takes a lot of work to get where even I am, and I am far from being recovered.

I hope this post is received in the spirit it was intended.

Have a nice day/eve!

I’ve Been Getting Into A Few TV Shows Lately

The shows are great, but I am reminded (especially with the reality ones), at just how far and away I am from living!

I’ve written about the fact that I want to live, before.

It is difficult not living, and I don’t believe that I will ever get to a point where I am alive again!

For me, this is a sad thing to think about…

And, when I see these reality shows on TV, it just makes things worse!

Granted, I know that the shows’ contestants tend to be highly motivated individuals.

I get that.

But, aren’t I highly motivated?

It just looks different I guess.

What kinds of things bother you (whether on TV or in print)? Do you feel like you’ve somehow lost at life?

When Your Depression Looks Different Than What It Used To

Schizoaffective disorder is my official diagnosis.

A lot of times, my depression looks different, because I’ve become dependable and I don’t feel bad about myself (i.e. I don’t have poor self-esteem)!

Not that everyone who’s depressed, has poor self-esteem btw…

But, what symptoms do I have exactly?

Maybe this is a good discussion for my doctor!

But yeah, I have a lot of schizophrenia symptoms going on, and that is troubling too!

It’s been 20 years since I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder.

And, I hope that one day, I won’t need my meds!

Although, I know deep down, that that is an impossibility!

I Am Fearful

NOTE: I sometimes deal with the following angst, as a result of my psychosis. And, having high anxiety doesn’t help matters.


I have to tell you…

I am stressed about the election.

And, I don’t trust my government as things stand…

There is lots going on with me!

I wonder where my country is headed.

I know things are not good!

We are not going to do well…

I purposely haven’t said a whole lot about politics on this blog!

But, less than a month ago, the leader of the free world, walked out of a 60-minutes interview saying, “I’m the President and you’re not!”

I can no longer scream, “What is going on, America!?” I just have to assume people are dumb!