Confusion Is A Bigger Problem Than I Want To Admit

I am confused a lot.

I press on, because that’s what I need to do for me, but I am oftentimes, left trying to make sense of just about everything!

Admittedly, I am not “connecting the dots” like I used to. That was hell!

It’s still there, but it’s not as prevalent as it once was…

What’s more troubling now is the stress I am under every day!

To the onlooker, they wouldn’t understand, but to me, I know what my difficulties are and they rarely letup…

I try and sleep overnight (it is hard), so that I can at least make myself available to My Daily Checklist.

It gets tweaked fairly frequently, all in an effort to get a few extra boxes checked off daily!

In reality, I have way more boxes not being checked, but I am trying.

That’s all I can do. Really and truly. 🙂

Back to lists and schedules: What are your most effective strategies to working through them?

Waking Up Early – A Guest Post By Niraj Of niraj.home.blog

Niraj Of niraj.home.blog is making an appearance/guest post on my blog! I am grateful for his taking the time to write the following post. Thanks again, Niraj! 🙂


I have been told so many times how essential it is to get good night sleep. Feeling tired by not getting a good night’s sleep can impact your productivity for the next day. In particular, getting good sleep can have a positive impact on your mental health. However, I also think it is very important to wake up early. Waking up early impacts your life in so many ways, and in this article, I discuss the mental health benefits of waking up early. 

Waking up early helps with productivity. Imagine this situation where you have a train to catch to work at 8am. The first scenario is that you wake up at 6 am, and as a result, your first hour consists of having a healthy breakfast, completing your daily workout, and planning for the day ahead, whether that is at university or at work. You immediately feel good about yourself, as well as more relaxed, Now compare this to waking up at 7:45 am. You would have to frantically rush just to meet your train, and as a result you will already be stressed, not setting a good tone for the day ahead. Waking up early means that there is reduced rush at the start of the day. And more often than not, this can make you feel calmer and more positive for the day ahead, which normally leads to higher productivity. And higher productivity can help with your mental health.

Furthermore, waking up early helps with sustaining good eating habits in the morning. You may think that if you oversleep and miss breakfast as a result, then it isn’t a big deal. After all, you can always eat something later, and you can still sustain a healthy diet. But actually, there are more serious repercussions. When you sleep, your body partakes in a fast. Therefore, when you wake up and miss breakfast, your body is in starvation mode. If you miss breakfast, then you will be even more hungry. And when you are hungry, you typically crave more unhealthy foods. In summary, waking up early helps with eating well, which helps with your physical health, and good physical health goes a long way into ensuring good mental health.

Waking up early at a fixed time every day also helps with consistency, which is also really important for routine. From my experience, one thing that really helped me with my mental health was having a morning routine that would keep me organized. However, I could only maintain the morning routine if I woke up at the same time each day. And I had to wake up early every day so that I had time to complete my morning routine. If you can wake up early and at a similar time each day, it would help with building a consistent morning routine, which can really help with your mental health.

Waking up early is a habit that can take time to develop. In addition to sleeping relatively early when you can, it is also important to value your sleep more, and the time you sleep and wake up. We all have busy schedules and therefore our sleep may be in the last thing in our mind, therefore you may not think too much about the time you wake up. However, it’s important to remind ourselves of the benefits that it can have on our mental health, so waking up early is something that is worth putting effort into if you can.

I hope this blog post was helpful and gave you a good insight on why waking up early can be beneficial for your mental health. I know everyone’s situation is different and I appreciate that it may not be possible to wake up early all the time. But I hope there are some things that you can take away from this blog post that can help you with your mental health in the long run!

How My Life Changed With These Schizophrenia Symptoms

I’ve written about some of this before, adding more detail with each update.

My voices started when I was 24 (or at least that’s when I first started getting treatment for them).

After two psychotic breaks, they diagnosed me as having Psychosis NOS.

I enrolled in college that same year! I had just enough arrogance and tenacity to take the bull by the horns (and that’s what I did).

I was at university, attending classes, keeping it together until I was 26 (when I had yet another series of psychotic breaks).

This time, I was being urged to take the meds. They were awful and had horrendous side effects. I didn’t take them.

I then went back to school to finish. My arrogance and tenacity was waning.

I studied psychology and philosophy, and I didn’t know what to think, to believe, or to feel; and most days, I still don’t!

That my friends is grief, as well as severe mental illness.

I went from being an active and fit 24/25 year old to eating three to four times more than what I used to (or needed), by the time I was 26.

I mean, I never even ate fast food, except maybe twice a year! And, I didn’t drink pop either!

For me, this had less to do with vanity, and was my attempt to take care of myself amid some really shitty genetics.

So, everything about who I was, just completely changed in a matter of two years. Everything.

I graduated though! I walked out with the bare minimum GPA required for graduation.

What was I doing? But, more importantly, what was I thinking?

The experience of going to college and ultimately graduating, for me, was pure terror! I am the better for it, but that experience has hurt me in several ways. Even to this day!

Maybe that’s hard for some to understand, but looking at what I deal with every day, it’s not so difficult for me to understand.

Yes, I went from being someone who thought that they had everything under control, to realizing that I didn’t have much of anything under control. Especially my mental health!

And today, today all I really want to do is recapture some of who I was at 24/25.

Yes, I’ve had moments. Some of them even lasted for a little while, but nothing that gets me close to the old me.

I guess that’s par for the course, when you try and go to university with Psychosis NOS, and then, end up with schizoaffective disorder?

I surely don’t know where my mind was! Other than, I had a diminished capacity for understanding my situation.

In those days, I actually thought I could brute force my way to physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual well being. And, I tried real hard to do that!

Today, I do pretty good, compared to my peers, and for the meds I take. The meds are all at high dosages though! :/

The only real difference between me, then and now, is my insight and awareness. Insight into my condition and awareness of myself as someone independent of my condition.

For that, I have my personal development journey to thank! And, it has been quite a journey for sure!

No, it’s not all about the label, but it is about quality of life, which for me, is lacking in many ways.

I know I’m not alone in this. A lot of us are lacking in quality of life!

Let’s face it, all of us struggle and our lives pale in comparison to what they once were!

In general, I hope to, in this space, share with you more about how schizoaffective disorder affects me.

For now, let’s discuss my voices.

So distressing, so invasive, so real, and so powerful!

I’ve been trying to gather my thoughts on what my voices are like, so here goes:

The voices, for me, are active all the time. They’re either in the background or foreground. They are thoughts.

I sometimes find them to be pieces or remnants of conversations that l once had with myself and/or someone else.

They’re similar to the running dialogue that we all have, only the nature of my voices are extreme, chaotic.

I am plagued with a constant back and forth of dialogue that never ends. It’s usually disparaging dialogue too! And, I’m a pretty positive person!

Still, my voices are negative and oftentimes disgusting.

I hear things that fly in the face of what a person should be experiencing in their lives. 😦

For instance (and this is highly personal), I could be in conversation with a person, keeping it together outwardly, but holding nothing but hurtful and disparaging thoughts about that person inwardly.

Things that, if they could hear my thoughts, that would probably be the last time we spoke!

Now, imagine if this happened with every relationship you have in your life!

That’s precisely what I deal with every day.

I share all of this to open people’s minds about the devastation of schizophrenia and severe mental illness. Not to garner sympathy or attention.

While everyone’s situation is different/unique, this is (and has been) my experience!

None of what I go through is a walk in the park, nor is it for anyone who has severe mental illness and is symptomatic.

Thanks for reading!

Striving For That Next-Level Of Functioning

Improved functioning does not occur as easy and as often, as my ambitions of it doing so, are.

In fact, if improved functioning in general were consistent, then that’d be quite the game changer.

As it stands, I struggle to do even the smallest amount of chores every day. Primarily, washing the dishes.

Since I’ve been married, my wife and I have worked out that the one thing I could strive to accomplish every day, would be to do the dishes (this is independent of self-care, which I’ll get into in a bit).

Unfortunately, I don’t get to the dishes every day. I do get to them 3-5 times a week though, and that seems to be satisfactory.

Self-care is a problem too, and I know I’ve got to try there as well.

I aim for showering every three days, brushing my teeth gets done once a day, most days. And, all of this is an improvement over what I did before I was married.

When I look back over the past 20 years, getting both chores and self-care done, has been a big struggle for me.

I wish I could tell you it were easier, but it’s simply not.

Unfortunately, functioning as I do is not understandable by most people in society. That will change. In time. I hope.

Enter the whole reason behind this blog. To shed light on what many sufferers of mental illness, including schizophrenia and related disorders, go through.

Varying Degrees Of Stability

I feel as though, these days I am doing pretty well.

The last time I spoke with my psychiatrist, he told me that I am responding well to my medication.

And, that is a good thing!

The meds can only do so much though, and one has to work with the professionals.

So, while this is basic… I do believe that there is another element to psychiatric improvement.

And, that has to do with trying your absolute best to manage and overcome what you can, where you can.

For me, I may not be able to beat schizoaffective disorder fully, but I can manage it and look for the good in every day situations.

Having this illness is tough! And, I do many things correctly, but it’s still difficult.

I work for whatever stability I get!

My best advice for anyone dealing with chronic mental illness, is to try and get as regimented to what others are doing as you possibly can.

This has helped me, though I am far from being healed or “recovered” (another post for another day).

I am doing better, which counts for a whole lot!