The Gift And The Fight

I try and I try and I try… and, I do get some satisfaction in life. 🙂

It mainly comes from knowing that my life (and life in general) is a gift!

There is a lot of difficulty that comes with living, but I work hard personally to be able to participate in those little things that make me smile.

I shouldn’t be able to laugh and joke around, but it’s something that I must do if I want to enjoy the gift.

I think my life really started to make the most sense around the time I met my now wife.

I work very hard and put myself out there, and I found someone with whom I am compatible with.

It’s not easy, it’s never easy, but it’s worth the fight!

We all have to fight for ourselves and the things we deem important.

What are your currently fighting for?

What Are You Good At?

I am unusual for someone who deals with schizophrenia, in that in many instances, I am good with people.

It hasn’t always been this way, and things were a lot tougher, when I had next to no awareness that the way I dealt with people was a strength.

In the past, I’d attract all sorts of people, and many of them, I didn’t want as friends.

People were drawn to me, and what I often thought was, “hey, I made a friend!”

After years of working to be more assertive and create boundaries, I can now safely say, that I am no longer a pushover.

It continues to remain difficult, however, to maintain relationships due to the volatile environment of today’s society, and also due to my having trouble communicating (even though it is oftentimes a strength).

I don’t know if that all made sense, but my issues with communication have everything to do with my mental illness.

And with that, please tell me more about what you’re good at.

Why I Keep Getting Back In The Ring (So To Speak)

So, the “ring,” for me, is waking up every day and “trying” as best as I can to follow a checklist, which includes self-care items and a few chores.

More often than not, I do poorly.

I call it failure, because I can sometimes learn from it, which makes it a “fail.” For me.

If it were a “success,” I feel as though I would learn little.

That said, I am beginning to see that the latter is not always the case!

Also, while I’m at it…

It is one of the bravest and most difficult things a person can do, is battle a chronic illness!

And, when I have an hour or two of happiness in my day… I relish in that!

What makes me do it all over again tomorrow?

I have a mother whom I love, a wife whom I love and adore, my wife’s family who I am still getting to know – but that I also love and greatly appreciate… Oh, and a dog that’s pretty wonderful!

What makes you get back in the “ring” (so to speak)?

Symptoms That Trouble Me And How I Deal With Them

I am troubled by my delusions and hallucinations.

As someone who has chronic mental health issues, I absolutely hate getting “stuck” with, in many cases, having to ”connect the dots.”

Imagine if you will, that you have affixed your attention, on a person (or persons), and you all of a sudden, begin to think that they don’t like you, or are out to get you, or that they have ill-intentions where you are concerned.

It is tough, and it happens a lot for me!

It comes from out of nowhere seemingly, and unfortunately, sticks around for hours sometimes.

As a result, I am often forced to get a “reality check” from someone close to me.

All I can say is, this is exhausting!

I do what I can to be “talked down,” but I absolutely hate thinking ill of people who haven’t committed any atrocities towards me.

Until science does one better, my meds are all I’ve got.

And, they are far from perfect!

What are some of your core symptoms? And, in what ways do you deal with them?

What Do People Without Psychosis Think About?

Maybe I am asking the wrong group of people, as many of my readers are struggling with mental health conditions themselves.

But, I do wonder. I have wondered. And, I will continue to wonder.

I will never know what being “normal” is truly like, which is fine.

But, there is just so much shit going on in the world today, and I am trying to look at my future days as my best days!

I am also wanting to not look back, but I do—a lot.

I will get through this. Somehow, someway.

And, I am hoping to help others along the way!

A fun question: I know that a huge part of me doesn’t even want to be normal, but for the part of me that does, what do you think constitutes being normal?

Inside Suffering: A Look At Stability, Insight, And Statistics

NOTE: This was written awhile ago, but still applies to many of us.

It is desire, along with having decent stability, that helps with my having good insight.

And, I have just enough decent stability to make me have good insight, at various intervals, throughout my days.

But, my stability wavers, and my world ends up a bit darker the majority of days.

I usually end up going back and forth on a given day, with regards to being stable.

Such is the plight of someone with a severe mental illness—maybe even a psychotic mental illness?

Also, with regards to insight, I am realizing more and more, that so many people have problems with their mental health, that it is just awful to think about!

According to NAMI, 1 in 5 adults experience a mental illness each year.

What’s even worse is that 1 in 6 youth aged 6-17, experience a mental health disorder each year as well!

So, is it any wonder that 1 in 25 adults, end up experiencing a severe mental illness in their lifetime?

This is so sad! And, by and large, we are unequipped to adequately handle people like me here in the U.S.

There is also the part about people not being willing to go for treatment, and that too is unfortunate.

Is there any hope? I mean, what do you do?

I really hate to paint such a grim picture here, but the point of this post is that a lot of people suffer. And, I am rethinking a lot of things as a result of this awareness.

For instance, I now know with my wife working from home, that I am isolating way too much. And, I can see how isolation is affecting us both, since we are both isolating.

What is it like for people with mental health issues, living in your country? Are you finding ways to not isolate so much (if that is possible)? What are you doing?

Having Grace In The Worst Of Situations

NOTE: As with my no longer posting on politics, I am no longer planning to post on (new or old) family matters.

This is my final post in that arena, as I have learned that all of the above can be triggering for me.


Due to poverty, a lack of education, ignorance, and the way that all of our parents were raised, my cousins and I were/are severely messed up!

My dad and his siblings were so brainwashed by their parents, that my dad, missing church was more important than tending to my health (which I nearly died of a 107 degree fever at two years old).

Now today, I have schizoaffective disorder as a result of my dad’s negligence.

And, there were also numerous problems with how my cousins were raised as well!

Do I forgive all of these adults? Do my cousins forgive them?

I can’t speak for my cousins, but all of us are forever affected by all of these “decisions!”

But, yes, I forgive—for me (and no one else).

I just wouldn’t expect me to have “trust” for any of these people again.

I Can Figure This Out!

For the past several years, I’ve been working to figure many things out.

I have this attitude that I will get it figured out, and one way or another, I will shine!

It’s rather difficult at times though, because it isn’t always so easy working through things.

Like, for instance, my family situation.

It just plain sucks!

My mom is literally the only person I have any contact with in my entire family!

It’s so sad, yet I ask myself, “how did I get here?”

The answer: I’ve been working to figure out so many things, and this was just one of them!

I know it all sounds redundant, but I can no longer turn a blind eye to the poor treatment of others (including myself), which is why I am basically “done.”

Gratefully, I have my mom, my friends, my wife, and her family/friends.

Anything of value is better than nothing of significance!

Denzel Washington Quotes

When Denzel Washington won the Outstanding Actor In a Motion Picture Award in 2002 (I believe it was for Training Day through the Screen Actors Guild), he said the following things, which I find quite helpful to anyone who wants to be great in any endeavor:

“Fall Down Seven Times Get Up Eight.”

“Ease Is A Greater Threat To Progress Than Hardship.”

“Keep Moving, Keep Growing, Keep Learning, See You At Work.”

The above quotes are reminders to me that it takes hard work and discipline to achieve our goals!

Ambition And Chronic Mental Illness: A Special Kind Of Hell

I feel like shit today.

All told, I got seven hours of sleep last night. And, I still feel terrible.

Welcome to my life with chronic mental illness!

The trajectory can be better than this, but it depends a lot on one’s quality of sleep, which I have a difficult time with sleep.

That and I am ambitious, which hurts me amid chronic mental illness.

In fact, having ambition is a special kind of hell, when you are chronically ill.

Allow me to say just that!

The two together are much like torture (if I were to experience torture that is)!

How do you handle your ambition amid battling your mental illness?