Things I Feel I Must Come To Terms With

While I don’t really want to die, I think a lot about death.

And, because of the problems with current treatments for my schizoaffective disorder, I will likely die of an obesity-related illness.

I know. To some, this will sound defeatist.

But, no matter what I do, I can’t sleep consistently and I am not able to eat less with consistency either.

Both my weight and lack of a consistent sleep routine have caused me a great deal of pain, for at least 20-something years.

And, this isn’t about diet! It’s about how the medications I take affect my weight, sleep routine, and activity level. And, how I’d like to have a better plan of action moving forward.

I try so hard! And, currently, I have about three days a month, where I sleep eight to nine hours straight and feel rested.

Plus, I’ll still need one to three naps, even when I get that amount of sleep.

I do go to bed at the same time every night, but I oftentimes have difficulty staying asleep the whole night.

I guess I’m just writing all of this, because I am worn down and could use some advice.

Maybe this community has some suggestions? I’m open to hearing what you have to say.

Implementing long-lasting change will probably be up for grabs.

But, maybe not.

And, therapy is off the table.

I’m Struggling And Need A Kinder Routine, Some Relief

Gratefully, a new, supplemental antipsychotic medication is on the way!

Aside from that, I am stuck in my thoughts.

I try and find meaning into everything I think, and I no longer know how to relax very well.

Since I take my medications to ultimately avoid hospitalization, I am sometimes stuck with symptoms in a way that some other people might not be.

I’m not sure to tell you the truth.

I just know that no matter what, I do all I can to avoid the hospital.

There are drawbacks to my approach though, like for instance, my life, which is not going as well as I’d like it to be, is oftentimes in shambles. At least it has felt that way for quite awhile.

So, I will continue to take things a day at a time, as I try and restore some sanity with my meds and a kinder routine.

At the times you feel notably worse than others, what kinds of compassionate/routine-type things do you involve yourselves in?

My Antipsychotic Reduction

I am going through a 1/3 strength reduction of my antipsychotic medication.

It’s been more of a challenge these past two months, and that is entirely due to the fact that I have less of this main medication in my system.

What it’s teaching me is that I have to learn new and better coping skills on lower dosages. And, that my worth is not tied to how much medication my system can tolerate.

My psychiatrist made it clear that within two months, I’d be recognizing the full change in effect.

And, now that two months have passed, my wife and I had a discussion about things, where we determined that I am going to have to go back to the old dose.

My symptoms (while I’ve been more aware of some of them), have caused me some issues. And, I think the issues are pronounced enough that I need the extra help.

I’ve tried med changes and reductions in the past, and it is pretty typical for me to have to reinstate old medications/old doses.

Oh well! I am grateful for my piping up and telling my doctor how I felt on the old regimen!

All I can do is try!

What are some of your medication failures and successes?

Thoughts Of Death And Suicide

They are ever present right now. These thoughts.

They are here no matter what. It seems.

And, no matter what I try, they remain.

I get busy and they are there as the busyness subsides.

I stay involved, and they persist, when there’s a lull.

I don’t know when or how they’ll disappear, but they always have in the past.

This is the period where I wait them out.

It’ll get better, it will just take time.

Things are rough though, in the interim.

Suicide Awareness And Education

For the past few weeks, I have been living with suicidal thoughts. And, while I don’t intend on acting on this intrusive thinking, it is quite difficult to live this way.

Every day, there has been a significant amount of distress in my camp.

On top of battling schizoaffective disorder, which includes, for me, thwarting off suicidal thinking, I maintain this blog.

And, I want to use my voice to tell you that what I go through is not normal, it’s not the blues, and it’s anything but fun!

The suicidal thoughts come and go, but my illness as a whole is always there. Somewhere in the mix.

About Suicide Awareness…

If you know someone is having thoughts of suicide, try and engage them.

For all intents and purposes, it is the rare person who has suicidal thoughts, but has 0 intention on following through with them.

I am one, who, while I struggle, I do not plan to do anything to harm myself. People with the kinds of thoughts I have, definitely need to be in some kind of treatment though!

Of which, I am.

I hope everyone is safe and please be well!

The Things We Don’t (Or May Not) Share

Today, I talked about death to my wife.

I want to die.

But, do I really?

To me and for me, when I talk about death, it is an escape.

Not actually dying, but discussing the topic.

I wonder if just anyone can do this.

I wonder whether just anyone can openly share their feelings, when it may be considered suicidal ideation.

But, I can.

It’s something I’ve grown into.

And, it helps me.

Does talking about death or dying help you? In what way(s) can you comment?

Suicidal Thoughts Are Not The Same As Being Suicidal

Disclaimer: This Site is intended to provide general knowledge, and is not intended to serve as medical advice of any sort.  Changes in mental health treatment should never be made without consulting your health care provider.

There was a time that I struggled terribly, when the doctors didn’t know what my diagnosis was (when I was unable to be reasoned with), with regards to my having a severe mental illness.

Eventually, they diagnosed me as having schizoaffective disorder, which is in a nutshell, schizophrenia and major depressive disorder.

And, I have lived with this disease for 20 years now.

The thing I wish to bring attention to has to do with suicidal thoughts and suicidal attempts.

Many people have suicidal thoughts (or suicidal ideation), but are not suicidal, and wouldn’t attempt it (i.e. they haven’t got a plan).

I am one of those people.

And, as intrusive as these thoughts may be, they only occur during times of increased stress.

So, suicidal thoughts are not with me all the time is the point, but just having suicidal thoughts is scary, and very much needs to be reported to a mental health professional immediately.

For me (someone who has been in treatment for 20 years), it’s unfortunately, a part of the package.

That said, I am in close contact with my psychiatrist any time my condition is exacerbated by suicidal thoughts.

NOTE: I am safe and sound, in my home, with my loving wife.

Some Late-Night Mental Health Woes

As I sit here, locked away in this home day after day, it’s only natural to wonder if there’s anything “different” for me.

Rest assured, there’s not.

My suffering will begin and end with me and my “choices.”

You know, the ones that were bestowed upon me?

I told my wife tonight, “I want to die.”

She incorrectly assumed a few things based on that statement, which wasn’t a problem. So, I elaborated.

I want the pain and mental anguish of having schizoaffective disorder to end!

I don’t wish to rush death, I can be patient. Death will get me soon enough. It gets everyone soon enough.

And, that was our conversation just before bed.

I have a very supportive wife, who was once a mental health nurse, who works hard, and who “gets me” and my situation.

I am more stable with her, and am able to speak about the schizophrenia type disorders here, because of her.

Regardless of how these chips have fallen, I am blessed.

I Want To Die, But For Now, I Will See This Thing Through

Do you ever feel like you want to die?

I do.

When the stress piles on, I see just how unequipped I am for dealing with it.

I’ve come along way with my coping skills, but I still struggle a lot.

This is not the kind of struggle that I can just get over.

I haven’t given up, and I don’t plan to give up. Not anytime soon that is.

So, some of you may wonder what keeps me from giving up?

I have a goal, and no matter how unrealistic it seems some days, I am working on that goal.

But, if my health takes a deep dive (which it could), I might feel entirely different about sticking around.

So, for now, it’s one day at a time for me.