Thoughts Of Death And Suicide

They are ever present right now. These thoughts.

They are here no matter what. It seems.

And, no matter what I try, they remain.

I get busy and they are there as the busyness subsides.

I stay involved, and they persist, when there’s a lull.

I don’t know when or how they’ll disappear, but they always have in the past.

This is the period where I wait them out.

It’ll get better, it will just take time.

Things are rough though, in the interim.

The Things We Don’t (Or May Not) Share

Today, I talked about death to my wife.

I want to die.

But, do I really?

To me and for me, when I talk about death, it is an escape.

Not actually dying, but discussing the topic.

I wonder if just anyone can do this.

I wonder whether just anyone can openly share their feelings, when it may be considered suicidal ideation.

But, I can.

It’s something I’ve grown into.

And, it helps me.

Does talking about death or dying help you? In what way(s) can you comment?

Suicidal Thoughts Are Not The Same As Being Suicidal

Disclaimer: This Site is intended to provide general knowledge, and is not intended to serve as medical advice of any sort.  Changes in mental health treatment should never be made without consulting your health care provider.

There was a time that I struggled terribly, when the doctors didn’t know what my diagnosis was (when I was unable to be reasoned with), with regards to my having a severe mental illness.

Eventually, they diagnosed me as having schizoaffective disorder, which is in a nutshell, schizophrenia and major depressive disorder.

And, I have lived with this disease for 20 years now.

The thing I wish to bring attention to has to do with suicidal thoughts and suicidal attempts.

Many people have suicidal thoughts (or suicidal ideation), but are not suicidal, and wouldn’t attempt it (i.e. they haven’t got a plan).

I am one of those people.

And, as intrusive as these thoughts may be, they only occur during times of increased stress.

So, suicidal thoughts are not with me all the time is the point, but just having suicidal thoughts is scary, and very much needs to be reported to a mental health professional immediately.

For me (someone who has been in treatment for 20 years), it’s unfortunately, a part of the package.

That said, I am in close contact with my psychiatrist any time my condition is exacerbated by suicidal thoughts.

NOTE: I am safe and sound, in my home, with my loving wife.