My Frustration With Not Having Enough Energy

My not having enough energy to do basic tasks is difficult for me.

There was a time when I had energy, but that time has passed.

It’s a lot to handle to be honest.

I have a lot of suicidal ideations, but have no plan to do anything about them.

I just endure. Endure. Endure.

That is life with chronic mental illness.

I also recognize that chronic illness in general is tough!

Thus, it’s difficult to know where to turn some days!

Lately, I’ve been putting my efforts into discovering new music.

Billie Eilish and Adele each have new music I am listening to!

I love female artists!

Just when will women rule the world?

I think they’re on their way! 🙂

Friendships And More “Faking” Being Well

I’ve recently realized that the few people I call friends, have been such, in part by my “faking” being well.

I can’t imagine many of these people knowing how to handle me at my worst. And, while a few of them theoretically might have stuck around, the chances are slim that they’d all be here long-term!

They each know about my illness. They can see my nuances. And, what they get from me is, what a lot of people get, and that’s “fakery” in regards to my being well!

Consider, if you will, what it would be like to be friends with someone who always has problems. Who isn’t well. Who basically has “more going on” than the average person. And, how all of this might affect you!

I just accept that people have gotten used to this version of me, which is why I’ve (in one way or another) found myself being the one who reaches out the vast majority of the time!

My friends all lean on the opposite side, politically. And, while I don’t agree with that part about them, it’s not up to me to say who gets to believe what.

I often go with the flow, and that includes not discussing politics, even when I want to. And again, me doing most of the reaching out.

Without them, though, I’d be even more isolated. So, I have made it a point to work on my friendships.

What are your experiences in the friendship realm? Do you have many friends? Are you “faking” being well around them? Do you find yourself being the one who reaches out to everyone?

The Comfort That Meds Provide

I think part of my problem may lie in the comfort that the meds provide. A comfort that I need, but that also has a double edged sword. A lot of times anyway.

Take my mood stabilizer (please take my mood stabilizer ;). One of its functions is to keep you going steady, keep things even if you will (I am not a clinician, so…)

But, this mood stabilizer also keeps me from going through the gamut of emotions, that people without meds, sometimes experience.

On one hand, I want that! I want to be able to “feel!”

Choosing to be healthy is a compromise. And, I do the best I can by taking all of my meds, all of the time.

What resolve have you employed, where your meds (and their effects) are concerned?

Feeling Well And/Or Being On The “Recovery” Path

Please tell me the difference between feeling well and being on the “recovery” path.

Because I don’t know. Because I am not well. Therefore, I do not understand “recovery!”

I am ambitious. Always have been, which comes out in my writing. And (hopefully), always will be!

There were times, though, when I could barely get to an appointment. I could not think straight. And, I was too symptomatic to properly function!

Now, thinking is still an issue… obviously. And, it has been for 20+ years.

So, there are very few things in life that I know 100% for sure. And, this goes for recovery.

Your mileage may absolutely vary. But, I know from what I’m experiencing every day, that it’s different.

The depression appears to be being managed, but the schizophrenia is not.

What types of actions, would you say, place you on the “recovery” path?

The Three Keys To My Success With Mental Health

In no particular order, the first key to my success with mental health, was getting over my old self that thought I was the “baddest kid on the block,” and forging some close bonds.

After I realized I was no better than anyone else, and knowing that this belief had interestingly enough, had a hand in protecting me from a few “breaks,” things began to get better.

Also, many years later, I found someone to spend my life with.

The second key to my success with mental health was taking my meds. All of them (and as prescribed).

Each component I am writing about here has been so very important for my success with mental health, and this one is no exception.

The third key to my success with mental health was my establishing a belief in a higher power.

For me, this is Jesus and Christianity.

I don’t talk much about religion on this blog. I am just pointing out what has been helpful to me. Your mileage may vary.

I also want to note, that it took me almost two decades to fully gravitate back to any religion. Let alone the religion I was raised with.

With schizophrenia and psychosis in general, there are ample religious delusions/hallucinations during “breaks” and more acutely ill times.

(More on this in a future post.)

Note: None of the above three phenomena easily came to fruition.

They all followed a pattern of resistance. Resistance by me.

Resistance can be useful, but for me, I wanted to change!

And, while I still struggle every day, I am able to now “speak” about that struggle, hopefully helping others along the way, in their own personal journeys.