Why You’ll Think Of Me As Being Symptomatic Right Now (Part Of A Series Of Essays)

NOTE: This essay was written awhile ago. I am more stable at this time.

I have chronic schizoaffective disorder (depressive type), and I believe in this very moment, that the government is out to get me.

I truly do!

Some things that have popped up in recent days are: strange requests for my book (keep the requests coming, no worries), a memory of that time when one of our POTUS’ associates pm’ed me on a social media platform (it happened on Reddit with every indication that this person is who their 10-year old username says they are), and various other reasons why I ask my wife about this or that or the other thing.

Yes, I am having delusions right now, and I am also hearing voices.

A lot of the problem lies in how people with my diagnosis see themselves amid people and situations that attempt to “talk us down.”

The default, “No one is watching you. You’re not that important.” works much of the time, but now, I need a little help!

I realize that I am high-functioning, and that this post may turn a lot of people off.

It may even scare a few.

But, I want to be completely transparent with you, my readers.

So, here goes:

I am afraid.

And, I am becoming more and more fearful due to the stress involved with the cornoa virus.

But, no one can make life easier for me right now.

No one can stop what I am feeling.

It’s sad to think that, while definitely not the last days of humanity, we are certainly in turbulent times!

This post was written a week and a half ago (on April 1, 2020 for perspective), when the U.S. had 140,640 corona virus cases.

So, there you have it!

The right amount of events have triggered more of my psychosis, and what sucks is, I am not certain that I am completely wrong about some of the things I write about!

This, of course, is typical for me when having these types of troubles.

I hate it though, because I know it is furthering damage to my brain.

‘F’ you corona virus and ‘F’ you to all that doesn’t make sense in my world, due to my being ill.

This completely and totally sucks.

P.S. There is a decent chance that I accidentally missed 0-2 doses of my mood stabilizer medication in the past 48 hours, but I cannot remember whether I took them. Each potentially missed dose accounts for 2/3 of my daily requirement, so it’s a big mishap even missing 1 dose.

Insight Is The Name Of The Game, The Name Of The Game Is Insight (Part Of A Series Of Essays)

How and where does someone with schizophrenia (or schizoaffective disorder), learn better insight?

Sure, you may pick up a few tips in the counselor’s office, or by visiting with your psychiatrist 15-minutes, three times a year.

But, for me, I now take more extreme measures.

I google, read, write, blog… learn… more about the world and my place in it.

You’ve heard me remark on my “humble beginnings” in life, in both my book and in a recent blog post.

And, quite frankly, the way that I grew up has set a spark for me, the way that nothing else has.

In wanting a better, more purpose-filled life!

I will tell you that there were times in my life before my first psychotic break, that I was losing it, clearly losing it… but, I kept on, which I think, can make the situation worse when things finally do unravel.

In any event, I recall these little notebooks that I kept, full of philosophical writings, that unfortunately, I no longer have.

So, as things were beginning to get bad for me, those “mini” journal entries (if you will), became the only bits of wisdom that I was able to hold onto.

And then, the first break.

Man, it is so challenging telling you all how that felt!

I vividly remember going from working full-time, taking a college class, working part-time, and dating; and that was about the size of my goings on, friends.

I was doing too much at once! Way too much.

To the end that I could have taken it easy, I didn’t.

In fact, I was largely incapable of taking life easy in those days.

Today is a little different.

It’s been awhile since any breaks, and the main thing I am seemingly doing these days is writing (blogging) about my life.

Not all bad.

In fact, it is far from bad, considering what I am dealing with.

If I can help someone, anyone, feel a sense of hope (or cure a sense of frustration)… whatever I am able to do… then, I feel successful!

And, no one can take that away from me.

No one.